Chance Chapter 1

The sun rose slowly and the light woke Maura from the little rest that she gets. She tossed and turned in her bed, not wanting to get up. Soon enough, she realized the light was preventing her to return to her rest. She pushed away the sheets and began to start her day.

She dressed in her camouflage cargo pants and her black belly shirt. She tied her messy black hair up with a spare black sash she found and put on her black hiking boots. She was ready.

Since most of her days now involve running through mud and dirt, she had to be prepared for anything to happen. After getting her machete, she was out the door and ready to meet Gabe, her partner.

Traveling through the city was not hard for Maura ; she knew where everything was, and how to get there. She needed to get to the market where she and Gabe were going to meet. She couldn't waste anytime at all. She dodged past people who were in her way and got to the market just in time to see Gabe about to leave. Maura almost panicked before he spotted her on his way out.

“It took you long enough,” he said with a wide smile. Maura just rolled her eyes and tried to confirm the plans for the whole day.

“Okay. So, we have to run out of the city,” Maura started.

“Mmm-hmm,” Gabe replied.

“Hopefully make it to the closest city without being attacked,” She babbled on.

“Mmm-hmm,” Gabe repeated, as he sat down, grabbed an apple, and started to toss it back and forth between his hands.

“Make camp in the closest woods, but we have to be far enough away from the city so that wanderers won’t find us. We took a huge risk staying at the inn this time, they could easily ask the inn-keeper who stayed there and when they checked out,” Maura said.

Gabe did not reply this time, which made Maura look back. Gabe was just gawking at her. The sounds of the busy market continued in the back round, but neither of them payed any mind. “You have gone mad over this,” he finally said interrupting the long moment of silence that overcame the conversation between the two of them.

“ I am not going mad,” she retorted, “I’m simply making sure we have a fool proof plan. Plus, it is always good to learn from your mistakes.”

“Nice come-back,” Gabe said, “We should get going. I don’t want to have to suffer any more of your continuous talking.” Maura elbowed Gabe in his ribs and he scolded her, as they returned to their life of constant worry and hiding away.

A few specific suggestions first and don't feel you have to use them...

The sun rose slowly and the light woke Maura from the little rest that she gets.

Soon enough, she realised that the bright light was effectively preventing her return to sleep.

Traveling through the city was not hard for Maura, [A dash or a semi colon would work better.] she knew where everything was, and how to get there.

She needed to get to the market to meet Gabe , and fast. [There should be no space before the comma and I'm not sure that this sentence sounds right. Perhaps 'With little time, she needed to hurry to the market where she had arranged to meet with Gabe.'

She dodged past people who were in her way and got to the market just in time to see Gabe about to leave.

Gabe repeated, as he sat down, grabbed an apple and started to toss it back and forth between his hands.

he finally said after staring at her for a solid minute. [Maybe use something a little more imaginative than finally said. How about 'He noted after an interval of silence in which he examined her worried, frowning features.'

_____________

Overall, I found it quite interesting. I certainly want to know what they've done that's so bad but I suggest you work on description a little. If you can improve that, I think you'll have a really enjoyable piece of writing. Pm me if you want the next part checking out,

Heather xx

Thank you for the advice, kitty. I changed the story up a bit, for the better, I hope. Oh well, I am sure you advice prevailed.
Thank You!!!!!!!!!

--Lucky_Duck

Hello there, Lucky Duck!

You have a nice start here - an idea with a lot of potential, and Maura is a neat name. So, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to give you some pointers and some specific examples of things you can work on in here, okay? Okay.

1. Characterization

If I am honest, this story seems very detached. Sure, Maura is a cool name, but there is very little intimate characterization of her. Yes, you tell us what she wears and what her life is like, but I don't see any of this. I see little of her attitude; there is next to no description of her body language and expressions. This stuff is essential to characterization, and when the reader doesn't know the character very well, the reader becomes quickly disinterested in the story.

Lucky_Duck wrote:The sun rose slowly and the light woke Maura from the little rest that she gets. She tossed and turned in her bed, not wanting to get up. Soon enough, she realized the light was effectively preventing her to return to her rest (awkward sentence... ). She thrashed (word choice?) away the sheets and began to start (awkward) her day.

Here's an example. In this paragraph, you relay the information of what Maura is doing to us, but in a very objective fashion. Yes, she tosses and turns, but that phrase is cliche and overused. Remember, this is your first impression. You need to catch the reader with your character, with her attitude, with her quirks. Is she scowling as she wakes up? Does she feel hot in the sunlight? Is it cold in her room? How does that affect her? Does she feel dizzy, disoriented? Is she happy the day is beginning? Are her movements sluggish? Does she feel nauseous? These are some questions to consider when writing this. Visualizing your character and her reactions will help with this a lot. These kind of details will suck the reader into your character. Describing expressions, feelings on occasion, body language - all these things characterize your protagonist beyond any telling or objective relaying of information.

To me, this seemed to be an issue overall, so, when editing this, try to include these details, these quirks which make your character real, unique and human.

2. Telling

Show, don't tell.

Sure, telling is okay sometimes, but not in this case. Let's go over the basics of telling. What is it? While it can take the form of an info dump, it often penetrates your story in more inconspicuous ways. Telling is when you tell the reader about your character, whether it be her attitude, characterization elements of her past, her specific feelings or aspects of personality. It's when you rob the reader of forming his or her own impression of the character. What does it do? It kills your story. Telling makes the reader detached from your characters. It makes them not care. And that will eventually keep readers away. It also causes your story to drag and robs you of the joy showing your character to the world. Pretty serious stuff, eh?

Some examples:

Lucky_Duck wrote:Since most of her days now involve running through mud and dirt, she had to be prepared for anything to happen. After getting her machete, she was out the door and ready to meet Gabe, her partner.

In the first sentence, you tell me about Maura's lifestyle. Problem is the reader has next to no clues into Maura's lifestyle at this point besides your telling. First, this sentence clutters the story. Second, it tells the reader something with no showing support, thus detaching the reader. Show us her lifestyle through her attitude, her body language, her actions and reactions to things, her thoughts on occasion. Don't tell us.

Lucky_Duck wrote:Traveling through the city was not hard for Maura ; she knew where everything was, and how to get there. She needed to get to the market where she and Gabe were going to meet. She couldn't waste anytime at all. She dodged past people who were in her way and got to the market just in time to see Gabe about to leave. Maura almost panicked before he spotted her on his way out. (uniform sentence structure)

First sentence again. Now you are telling us that travelling is not hard for Maura; however, this can be easily, easily shown, and you begin to show us in the following sentences. You don't need to tell us. Really. Ways you can show: she can be walking casually or be distracted and still find her way, help a passing traveler, avoid bad parts of town instinctively, not show any fear or panic while walking, laugh inwardly at lost travelers. I don't know if she would do any of that, but these things easily illustrate that she knows her way around town. See?

Thus, when rewriting this, remember to show and not tell. This kind of goes along with the first point, because when you show us her personality through her attitude, expressions, body language and such you will be eliminating telling and drawing the reader closer into the character. Show. Don't tell.

3. Present Tense

There were a few times where you lapsed into present tense, so watch out for those. They get confusing. Reading things aloud should help you spot those instances. Here are a few:

Lucky_Duck wrote:The sun rose slowly and the light woke Maura from the little rest that she gets.

Lucky_Duck wrote:Since most of her days now involve running through mud and dirt, she had to be prepared for anything to happen.

Watch for it.

4. Pace

This has a lot to do with the lack of characterization, but your pace was very, very rushed. In barely a page, we go from Maura waking up to she and Gabe returning to their life of running. This might be okay if it weren't for the glaring lack of characterization up to that point.

The reader needs to care, to want to know more about your characters before you can plunge into action and start travelling. Take your time. Let us get to know Maura and Gabe. Don't feel like you need action now, because you don't. If you characterize Maura and Gabe well and intrigue the reader, you can take your time on the action. The abruptness 1) confuses the reader 2) makes the lack of characterization glaringly obvious 3) makes it sound sloppy 4) hurts the overall pace of your story. If you begin rushed, it's easier to rush later on, so don't rush at all and your pace is more likely to be on track.

Therefore, slow down and characterize Maura and Gabe. Take your time, and then you can get into the action and travelling. The reader knows nothing about your land and is still getting to know your characters, so have mercy on our slow minds.

5. Detail and Description

Kitty mentioned that more description is needed, and I agree. However, I don't mean long, info-dumping paragraphs of description. Adding a few sentences describing your characters's body language or a few comments about the appearance of the city or the weather would give the reader an atmosphere to ease into.

As a reader, I feel lost in this story, partly because of pace and partly because I have little idea as to what kind of culture this is, what things look like and such. Creating an atmosphere, a setting is very important in a story, so take your time doing that too. Set things up. Describe what is happening in detail, and it will improve this. However, I warn you against inserting random adjectives, because adjectives are evil little fellows. Only use an adjective if you are sure it fits perfectly. Verbs are more powerful describers, so using more vivid verbs is better than a boatful of adjectives, okay?

I'm sorry if all these points are overwhelming to you. I don't mean to be harsh, but I feel like these things will help you a lot as you keep writing, so please at least consider them. In all, a pretty good story. Keep on writing, and I suggest lots of reading. Reading and observing how other authors and writers include the above elements in their writing will help you apply it to your own. Nice beginning and keep writing. PM me if you have any questions or need anything.