Lyla. Part 8.

Oh no, Tom! Why did you do that?

I have to be non-creative and just say that I agree with people on most things. Lyla seems to have gotten over that big shock and change very quickly, like she was only going to have a dog or something. Luckily, Tom's mother doesn't support the idea, otherwise this would get boring. But there could be someone non-supportive that's even closer to Lyla than Tom's mum.

I know this novel is already finished (right?) so there's not much effect on my reviews, but I'll keep reviewing nonetheless. I'm just so malicious about the fact I don't have to wait for six weeks!


See you around!
Demeter xx

Hey,

Dad was blatantly watching me from the kitchen window; however I had my back to him and refused to acknowledge him.

Some more irritating repetition. Maybe: "however I had my back to, and refused to acknowledge him."

They made me smile, [comma] [s]and[/s] for no reason at all.

The comma might just give it some identity.

A cloud drifted across the sky, it reminded me of last summer. I felt Tom’s shadow fall over me. He was stood behind me.

Again, sentence structure repetition just gets boring. It's fairly common but I often think they are good way to tell how the descriptions are getting along, be sure not to rely on just one idea.

I rolled back onto my back. “When do you go?”
“Tonight.”
“For how long?”
“Eighteen days; just over two weeks.”
I closed my eyes, wishing that he wasn’t really there, that I was imagining it.
“Tell her you’re not going,” I said stubbornly. “Say no.”
“I can’t. It’s all paid for and she’ll never let me stay. She says it’s for my own good.”
“Don’t you see?” I shouted, rising to my feet awkwardly. “Of course it’s for your own good! It gets you away from me!”
“Lyla!”

This bit felt like talking heads--I couldn't quite picture the moment. As soon as he tells Lyla he is going somewhere, she should be angry, and when he says 18 days she should be rubbing her head, contemplating in the descriptive narrative what's happening.

He opened his mouth to speak but I had stumped him.

This is quite weak. How about: "He opened his mouth to defend himself but from the sigh he gave me, I could tell I'd stumped him." Or whatever.

He looked at me fiercely. “You don’t understand,” he hissed, and left.

How did Lyla feel when he left? Betrayed? A little ill?

he may not want to loose her respect for good.

It's 'lose' and would she say that? How about: "he won't want to lose her respect entirely."

Great ending, by the way.

******

All things considered, some nice ideas in this chapter! I certainly loved the final part but I am still in consideration as to whether the descriptions are too limited--focus a little less on the environment, and try the feelings of the characters and their actions. I think we still need to focus a little more on the dad, but not bad at all.