"Double Dad" chapter 10

I'm not too fond of this chapter, but other people think its ok. So I need some other opinions. Thanks

CHAPTER 10 ANDREWS HITCH HIKER

She was silent for ages. Since Bordertown. I gave up tryin' to talk to her. She was off in her own little world. We were at the outskirts of Adelaide when she finally spoke. I was startin' to think I was drivin' with a corpse.

"Take me to Semaphore Park," She said, still starin' out the window. "The Esplanade. Near the beach. A row of apartments. It's about half an hour from here. Take Military road, past the Fort Deli. I'll direct you."

I just nodded. I had no idea where the Fort Deli was, but Military road was probably the longest road in Adelaide. So I drove on.

The concept-
Very good, but since I haven't read the rest of it I have no clue about what's going on.

Grammer-

"Take me to Semaphore Park," She said,

She shouldn't be capitilized there.

I was starin'' to think

Two ' don't need two of those

She was silent for ages. Since Bordertown. I gave up tryin' to talk to her.

the middle sentence you could put a coma on either side of that, and simply saying

Since Bordertown.

is a fragment.

Word ordering-no problems there

Sentence ordering-

We were at the outskirts of Adelaide when she finally spoke. I was starin'' to think I was drivin' with a corpse.

Switch those two sentences around or find something new to do with them, the first sentence implies that you're going to immeadiatly say what she said, or you could add "Which was good because..." and then finish the thing.

Hope that helps~~

AJ

It did

I said and I quote

Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2007 5:59 am Post subject:

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The concept-
Very good, but since I haven't read the rest of it I have no clue about what's going on.

Grammer-

Quote:
"Take me to Semaphore Park," She said,


She shouldn't be capitilized there.

*mutters under breath about length but avoids Lucy's stare...*

Good stuff, if a little......dry. It's like I said in my last crit....I want more expansion.

Also, I'd like more thoughts from this guy. Isn't he worried that this girl/stranger could have been picked up by a nut case or peedo?? (sorry to be blunt.) Maybe he is worried about her? Or maybe there's more to him than meets the eye.....???

Keep writing,
All the best,
Alainna
xxxxxxxxx

It is a bit short, but I shouldn't say much, my chapter was super short also. You should add more thoughts and description, but other than that its great!

It was a bit short. Whatever though. everyone's chapters are different.

When the driver says he was starin' to think.

It should be startin' It can confuse the reader cause the slang for staring is starin'

Looks good.