Lol, this was awesome! I think the beginning could use a little more just because the rhyme seemed a little off at first but otherwise I really liked this. You are one crazy girl. *bites*
~Rieda
I love, love.
*This wonderful crit is brought to you by CCF!*
Nice one Claudette. I love how the tone contrasts with the theme. I think some of your rhythm is a little off, though. Try reading it aloud so that you can get a sense of how it should sound.
I'd try:
"The girl of his dreams smelled like fruit.
Did she taste like it too?
She came for a drink, and he
began to cook some stew.
"Fingers, an ear, a hunk of skin.
No one would miss her much.
Two eyes, her nose, everything else:
He soon finished his lunch."
Think that works slightly better...anyway, hope this helps! This piece was fun!
"Just like moons and like suns, With the certainty of tides, Just like hopes springing high, Still I'll rise." -Maya Angelou
Dark Humor Is Amazing. Anytime you write a darkly humorous piece, I'll critique it to death with as much amazement and amusement as possible, because love, I simply adore Dark Humor, and I haven't read such a good poem on here that was so darkly and inguinely humorous.
So, yeah. Incredible, beautiful job right over here. I love the last stanza... hilarious. And it rhymes wonderfully, too! I might just be a cannibal when I grow up after reading this poem.
"a hunk of skin" HAHAHA! Beautiful!
The rhythm of the first stanza was a key off, but otherwise, amazing. Innovative. Comic and genius. Excellent, excellent job!
Well, Suzanne dear, that was certainly interesting.
Honestly, as disturbing as it may have been, I liked it. My only suggestion is to, perhaps, fiddle with it a bit -- try to make it dramatic. I think this idea would make a good dramatic poem.
You know how to contact me if you have any questions!
*bites*
