Lunch Time

Okay, so, I got bored. I hadn't intended to write a poem like this, but it happened. So...Yeah. Enjoy!

Lunch Time

He liked to eat the ones he loved;
He liked to suffocate them.
If only for a little while,
he liked to try and date them.

The girl of his dreams smelled like fruit,
but did she taste like it too?
She came over for a drink, and
he started to cook some stew.

Fingers, an ear, a hunk of skin here.
No one would miss her much.
Two eyes, her nose, and everything else:
He soon finished his lunch.

o.0

Haha, but I read this before, on Messenger. On a note purely on topic... I have to say I think you've been listening to too much Mein Tiel. Or watching too much Hannibal. (Good God, or watching Hannibal with a redux nouveau Rammstein soundtrack. ^_~) But I like this poem because it has such a joking air - and fits creepily well with your custom text.

Now I'm disconcerted.

But before I run off casting uneasy glances over my shoulder, I would like to point one thing out, here:

He liked to eat the ones he loved.
He liked to suffocate them.
If only for a little while,
he liked to try and date them.

If one reads with the punctuation here, there is a very defined pause between 'He liked to eat the ones he loved' and 'He liked to suffocate them', which tends to contrast a bit with the flow of the next two lines. It's a very tiny point, but maybe you could eschew that period and replace it with something along the lines of a semi-colon or a comma? Something that would match the rythym of the next two lines, in any event.

And the title you picked is just hilarious. (Granted, in a very morbid sort of way. o.0') ^_^

...Claudette, this is not helping your claim that you are not a disturbed young lady.

You have a good rhythm going, and the rhyme helps the whimsy.

*laughs* There's really not much else I can say about this, except, "You cannibal!" XD

Claudette, dear, I think you need to cut down on the cannibalism.

It was a cute poem, nevertheless. The rhyming seemed a bit forced at times, but it was disturbing enough that I didn't mind.

hahaha

Hilarious. Disturbing, but hilarious, none the less.

the last verse works so much better now. Delightful peice. All I can say is 'cannibalism is bad, very bad... criminally bad!'

You know, I got halfway through the first stanza before I said to myself "Woah, wait a minute, what did that first line say?!"

I felt like the rhyming was a little bit stretched at times, but other than that, I think it's a good poem, albeit a tad distrubing.

^_^

I have to agree that the rhyming is a little off in places but this is a rather funny little poem. I certainly wasn't expecting it to be about cannibalism when I read the title... looking at what other people have said, I clearly don't know you too well.

Anyway, I'll not nit pick this one because it strikes me as a 'just for fun' poem and it works just fine for that.

What are you hiding, Clau?

I know nothing of poetry, just saw this on the front page. So yeah.

-St. Razorblade

*giggles*

Thanks guys.

I really would like to improve this though. Where does the rhyming seem forced? It might come off that way due to the rhythm. I do know the rhythm breaks pattern in the last stanza, which made me mad, but I couldn't find a way to fix it.

Okay then but this is just a suggestion...

Lunch Time

He liked to eat the ones he loved;
He liked to suffocate them.
If only for a little while,
he liked to try and date them. [I think this is a perfect beginning.]

The girl of his dreams, she smelled of fruit
but did she taste of it too? [I'd change like to of because it adds a nice ambiguity.]
She came over to have a drink and
he started to cook some stew.

Fingers, an ear, a hunk of skin here.
No one would miss her much.
Two eyes, her nose, and everything else:
He soon finished his lunch. [Much and lunch don't really rhyme. Perhaps you could change the second line and end it with much?]

Claudette wrote:The girl of his dreams smelled like fruit,
but did she taste like it too?
She came over for a drink, and
he started to cook some stew. It's this last line that made me question the rhyming, though maybe it is more rhythem because obviously "too" and "stew" rhyme. "Started" seemed to just have a lot of sound associated with it? And "some" just had an odd sound to it. I don't know. I think it's technically alright, but it just sounded a little off the first time I read it through.

Fingers, an ear, a hunk of skin here. I like the ear/here thing in this line; it had a nice sound.
No one would miss her much.
Two eyes, her nose, and everything else:
He soon finished his lunch.I'm not sure if "much" really rhymes with "lunch"; I think that the "n" throws something off, but that's just my reaction, not based on anything else.

PM me if I don't make any sense ^_^

xD I love it, Clau. It has the sing-songy feel of a nursery rhyme, only more morbid. I'm afraid to read it again- it's not something I want to have memorized.

I like how each stanza flows into the next, even though each is a slightly different subject. It's a perfect length, any more and I'd start feeling queasy, any less and it wouldn't be funny.

This line slowed it down for me: but did she taste like it too? It's the only question in the poem, so it seems out of place. Also, I think something might be off with the rhythm. The third lines of the other two stanzas have nine syllables, and this has seven.

Anyway. That's insane, in an awesome way. Like the corpse cake.

I much liked it, Clau, very nice rythem set, indeed. (i have trouble spelling that rythem word. grr...)

Anyway, I told you before, Clau: Cannibalism is bad for your health; don't do it!

Now, back to what I was going to do...

I noticed you said you had trouble with the final stanza. I could suggest some things, though I don't know how helpful my suggestions are when it's 1 in the morning. We'll give it a shot.

Fingers, an ear, a hunk of skin here.
No one would miss her much.
Two eyes, her nose, and everything else:
He soon finished his lunch.

How 'bout, in the first line of this stanza, you put "there" instead of "here". "Here" sounds so much like "ear" that it kind of throws people off.

Gramatically speaking, instead of a period at the end of the first line, I would put a semicolon (gasp!) or, two dashes (--)

I agree, "much" and "lunch" don't really rhyme, so that also throws the reader off. I can't make suggestions, cause i don't write poetry, but you could think about that.

How about instead of "her nose" you just put "a nose" in the third line.

Maybe these will help you think of improvements, if not improve it to your liking. I personally thought it was very good, though I'm not poet...and I know it

Remember! Cannibalism is not good for your health--don't do it!

Jabber, the One and Only!

I think the only way to classify your writings is "disturbed (disturbing?) whimsy." This certainly fits well enough.



Thanks for giving me something to giggle at during yet another mindless day at work. ^~

He liked to eat the ones he loved;
He liked to suffocate them.
If only for a little while,
he liked to try and date them.

The repetitive ending of "them" in L2 and L4 is awkward, reword possibly? I do like the tone, though.

The girl of his dreams smelled like fruit,
but did she taste like it too?
She came over for a drink, and
he started to cook some stew.

Move 'and' at the end of L3 to the beginning of L4. I think, for me, L1 and L2 need to be closer syllable-wise.

Fingers, an ear, a hunk of skin here.
No one would miss her much.
Two eyes, her nose, and everything else:
He soon finished his lunch.

'Much' and 'lunch' do not rhyme, haha. The last line threw me, the stanza is very nice through L3, but the last one needs rewording I think.


Fun poem! Just a little fine tuning

Happy Editing,
WM