Young Writers Society

yes im not sure where to fit this in so here you are.
erm its about a rather weird relationship, and how i felt when i was with this guy...
its odd, but any [constructive please!] comments would be nice, thanks!:D

red nights are the nights when i feel dead
all the troubles in my head
drowned out by the things he said
amplified by everything we're fed
red nights are the nights i dread
and dream for
maybe tomorrow
we'll all be sorry
for everything we've done
and we'll pray for the sun to come back
and make everything ok
because tomorrow is another day
for us to dream and fight
and maybe tomorrow will be alright
it was red tonight maybe tomorrow too
and i want it to be because im only red with you.

Well... First some general notes:

1. please, please, capitalize the pronoun I, and other things where capitalization is needed.

2. Punctuate. This will help you: Poetry & Punctuation

3. Either use a proper rhyme scheme, or don't rhyme at all.


The emotions in this were dull, and very, very hard to pick up on. I think you tried to use imagery? But it failed. I don't know what you mean by red nights.

Try reading some good emotional poems, reading poetry always helps. Oh, and I have another article you might want to look at here.

Best of luck.

To me this poem lacks emotion, and to me a poem that has death in the first line should evoke emotion. The word death by itself should be enough to evoke emotion. The emotion is there just work on pulling it out of the mists.

Silly-analogy time!

This poem was like tar cleverly diguised as licorice; I'm expecting a gummy treat, sticky at times maybe; but the kind of sticky that sticks to your teeth so you can enjoy it long after eating it; and the candy is well-worth that pleasant-sticky. Tar, however, doesn't make you feel good. It's challenging to chew, and certainly can't be digested. There was substance here, but not the kind that has nice things behind it.

You've got the structure, now work on the content.

Don't focus so much on the rhyme. Let your emotions come out and don't be afraid to write.

I think that it was good, but could be improved. For instance you could go into more detail about the red nights and why they're red or why they effect you in a particular way.

Also I felt that the rhyme worked really well at the beginning and then you started to leave some of your rhythm and flow.

I felt the last two lines particularly had a nice message to them, but you could probably rephrase them more eloquently so that they have more of an impact and are more readable.

Keep writing