Thursday

18 posts1, 2
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6235
Reviews 2631
Earlier today, I chose a seat near the front of the bus and placed my bag beside me. Then I remembered that it was Thursday and there was no need to save a seat because Hannah doesn't start college until the afternoon. I left the bag there anyway. I always do.

The bus pulled away from Brayton and swayed through the various villages where it makes its stops. Preparing for the long journey, I took a book from my bag and began to read. A shadow passed over me and, without waiting for him to speak, I removed my belongings from the chair and he sat next to me.

I refer to him as 'he' because I don't know his name. He sits there every Thursday without fail. At first, I thought nothing of it; he wasn't the first to occupy the vacant seat. Not everyone minds sitting next to a girl who pays more attention to her book than you. The second time, I presumed that all the other seats were taken. I didn't waste the energy to turn around and look. The third time... well the bus was practically empty. Not only were there seats next to better looking, more sociable people but there were rows of empty seats. That's when I started to wonder.

Now many months have passed and his only words to me have been 'Can I sit here?'

I have made a few attempts to get to know him. I turn to face him sometimes and catch him looking at me. Then, in an embarrassed silence, the words upon my tongue will slip away and I will hastily look toward the window. From the corner of my eye, his impassive face shows no sign of unease. Sometimes the bus sways and he tumbles into me, his flesh brushing against my skin and I mumble an apology. He takes his time sitting back up and still his mask is in place. No words pass his lips, no flicker of emotion.

Other times I've steeled myself to talk to him. To ask him his name. I turn and find that his eyes stare forward. Is he ignoring me? Or does he not notice. Either way, the courage to speak evades me and I turn away once more.

Why does he sit there? I wish I knew.
Last edited by Rydia on Sat Nov 24, 2007 7:31 pm, edited 5 times in total.
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 115
This is awesome. Very easy to read, fluent. Not particularly important, but it still says I a lot. I loved it.
there are many problems in our times
but none of them are mine




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 35
I like it :) It is really easy to read and interesting.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 15961
Reviews 661
Brilliant.I loved it. It was really descriptive, and, as always, beautifully written. I'm useless at this kind of piece, so I'm completely awe-struck. Well done!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 47
it's fabulous. easy to read and very fluent. very descriptive too. a beautifully written piece.
'follow the notes upon a journey,
at first sight marks one's destiny.
when the voyage comes to an end,
return lies within hasty keys.'




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6235
Reviews 2631
Thanks so much for the comments everyone =)
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1990
Reviews 14
Very touching, but I'm just wondering : is the guy actually blind ? I understood it that way because of the very end : "I turn and find that his eyes stare forward."

That would explain everything, but maybe I'm just going too far in my interpretation ^^

Oh, and I also found this :

the various villages where it makes it's stops


Wouldn't it be "its stops" instead ?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6235
Reviews 2631
On the technical point, you're completely correct so my thanks for bringing that to my attention and as to if he's blind, I don't think he is but it's an interesting theory.
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1990
Reviews 14
You're welcome.

But isn't it wonderful ? You managed to write a story that can be taken in two different ways without even wanting to. Perhaps you should pretend you did that on purpose ? ^^




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6235
Reviews 2631
Lol. Perhaps I shall :wink:
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 240
Reviews 124
kitty15 wrote:Earlier today, I chose a seat near the front of the bus and placed my bag beside me. Then I remembered that it was Thursday and there was no need to save a seat because Hannah doesn't start college until the afternoon. I left the bag there anyway. I always do.

The bus pulled away from Brayton and swayed through the various villages where it makes its stops. Preparing for the long journey, I took my book from my bag and began to read. A shadow passed over me and, without waiting for him to speak, I took my bag from the chair and he sat next to me.

I refer to him as he because I don't know his name. He sits there every Thursday without fail. At first, I thought nothing of it; he wasn't the first to occupy the vacant seat, not everyone minds sitting next to a girl who pays more attention to her book than you. The second time, I presumed that all the other seats were taken. I didn't waste the energy to turn around and look. The third time... Well the bus was practically empty. Not only were there seats next to better looking, more sociable people but there were rows of empty seats. That's when I started to wonder.

Now many months have passed and his only words to me have been 'Can I sit here?'

I have made a few attempts to get to know him. I turn to face him sometimes and catch him looking at me. Then, in an [s]embarressed[/s] silence, the words upon my tongue will slip away and I will hastily look toward the window. From the corner of my eye, his impassive face shows no sign of unease. Sometimes the bus sways and he tumbles into me, his flesh brushing against my skin and I mumble an apology. He takes his time sitting back up and still his mask is in place. No words pass his lips, no flicker of emotion.

Other times I've steeled myself to talk to him. To ask him his name. I turn and find that his eyes stare forward. Is he ignoring me? Or does he not notice. Either way, the courage to speak evades me and I turn away once more.

Why does he sit there? I wish I knew.


Non-fiction huh? *smiles*

The description is awesome, I only found one misspelling ><

Everyone should have the courage to speak, but then again it can be a curse also. Everyone has a place that they like to sit on the bus 8)
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

~George Carlin

The Completely Evil Plan.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6235
Reviews 2631
Thanks for pointing that out Reyu and thanks for reading =)
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1162
Reviews 61
Its really good and I love the descriptions. The guy does seem mysterious and even to the end you dont no what he's thinking, or how it should be interupted.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 7241
Reviews 721
This is pretty good! As others have said, it's easy to read and flows very nicely. I think there could be a tad more description--of the boy, the bus, maybe even the scenery outside the window--but that's just my opinion, of course.

Also, where does this mystery boy get off the bus? That might be a good detail to add as well.

kitty15 wrote:Earlier today, I chose a seat near the front of the bus and placed my bag beside me. Then I remembered that it was Thursday and there was no need to save a seat because Hannah doesn't start college until the afternoon. I left the bag there anyway. I always do.

Hm... this is okay, but I think it needs to be more decisive, if you know what I mean. It just seems a little rambly. Maybe it's the "I always do" that threw me off. Oh well, now I'M rambling... :lol:

kitty15 wrote:Preparing for the long journey, I took my book from my bag and began to read.

I think this would flow better if you got rid of the repetition of 'my' and made it 'I took a book out of my bag.'

kitty15 wrote:I refer to him as he because I don't know his name.

I think you should put 'he' in quotes, single or double doesn't matter, but I think that quotes would make it flow better.

kitty15 wrote:At first, I thought nothing of it; he wasn't the first to occupy the vacant seat, not everyone minds sitting next to a girl who pays more attention to her book than you.

I think you should make the comma after 'seat' into a period.

kitty15 wrote:The third time... Well the bus was practically empty.

I'm not an expert on this, so please correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought that after an ellipses the first letter was supposed to be lower-case.
---------

Sorry, that was kind of nit-picky... but I hope it helps anyway. :D

See you around!
~Azila~




User avatar
Gender Non-binary
Points 1979
Reviews 1176
Really good! :D

There was hardly anything to pick out, as all the others have said and praised. :) There was only one thing:

I took my book from my bag and began to read. A shadow passed over me and, without waiting for him to speak, I took my bag from the chair and he sat next to me.


Fix that repetition, and it'll be flawless! :D
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir



There is a difference between being poor and being broke: broke is temporary; poor is eternal.
— Robert Kiyosaki