Chapter 1-Untitled

Chapter 1

The night was cold, but beautiful. The dark night sky filled to capacity with stars, and the moon was shinning brighter than I can ever remember. My seven-teen year old sister, Joy, and I were home alone… again. Our parents where always out on business, we didn’t know what they did. It was the year they didn’t make it home for my birthday; I turned eleven that year. Our nanny took the night off, of course then, what is the point in a nanny? Joy and I went outside to play before it got dark. We played for hours, even after the sun went down. Her golden blond hair whipped through the air as she chased me around in circles. We were complete opposites, she had long blond hair, my hair was dark brown and up to my shoulders. She was tall and lean. I was short and not so lean. Up and down the hills around our house.

“Got ya,” She said laughing as she ran away.

She was always faster than me, but not that time. I was determined to beat her.

“I’m catching up to you this time!” I yelled to her.

I ran out of breath. She looked back at me then slowed at the sight of me struggling to keep up. I wanted to beat her but I knew I couldn’t. Then as though out of breath Joy leaned over her knees just long enough for me to pass her.

“HEY!” she yelled before getting up.

Then ran just slow enough for me to stay in front. As we reached the yard we both stopped to catch our breath. I knew she did it on purpose, but it still made me feel good.

Breathing heavily still, she asked, “Want to play soccer?”

“Sure,I replied.”

After running to the porch to get the soccer ball she kicked it to me. It whipped passed my head, barely touching my face.

“Nice kick, if you are trying to kill me.” I laughed as I ran to get it.

I turned to kick it back to her my face went blank and I felt cold. Three shadows were surrounding Joy.

Her face froze, she yelled to me, “Run Claire, Joy yelled to me, run inside!”

I was panicked but I couldn’t leave her. Joy tried to get away but the men grabbed her arms.

“GO! NOW!” She screamed again.

I darted towards the door; on the porch I looked back to see one of the men pull a gun from his pocket. Tears ran down Joy’s face.

“Claire, shut the door!” she screamed. I hesitated but as closed the door I heard a gun shot.

“No!” I cried, no.”

Tears rolled down my face like rain. I didn’t go back outside till I knew they were gone. I walked out the door, the warm breeze turn to ice, Frozen I stood on the porch. They were gone but so was Joy. Not even her body lay there.

Nice. Very nice. The only mistake I could find was when you wrote seven-teen. You don't need the - in there. Just write seventeen.

The plot is a little confusing. Why were there people after Joy? You don't say anything about why they were actually there, and Claire doesn't seem shocked. It seems to me as if she thought they might be coming.

Otherwise it's good. It could use some fixing up, but the overall plot was very interesting.

I like it, its interesting and there is some good description in there.

If you don't mind me saying its just a tad predictable, early on especially when you say that the parents are away on business and the nanny is the night off, I had this sinking feeling that one or both of them were going to end up kidnapped or dead. It sounds like their parents are spys (like spy kids) or do something like Amber's parents did in Alpha Force, and what Alpha Force end up doing. Making a lot of enemies and causing one of them to send their henchmen to do something to their kids to get them to stop.

I may well be completely wrong, but thats just the feeling I have. I would however like to keep on reading it, because I have questions like:

#Why do they want Joy and not Claire? With three of them they could have easily gone back for her.

#What exactly do her parents do and why these people out to get their kids?

I did like it, but it needs a bit of work.