Alone

hehe. thanks for this crit...it is a really old piece of mine. : )


and ginger, i dont know how i feel about it either. :\

I didn't comment on this? I thought I did! Shame on me, lol.

Anyway, I think it's cool how you can just say, "Oh, this is one of my old poems, because that implies that you got better. And that is awesome because this piece is so emotional in itself. I adore the voice of the narrator because it's just so simple. He got his first A, he's doing good, etc., and then something HAPPENS. So you combine poetry with storytelling, but you don't overdo it, and that's wonderful.

My only real gripe is afterwards, when he realizes that his mommy is gone, the sky decides to turn gray and cold. It just sounds too much like a coincidence. Still, I can see how it's useful, to tell the story, but I'm wondering if maybe there is another, better way to show this?

Also, "I am done/Finished with life." I would get rid of this, just because.

Still! I like the poem. It's sad...

Wow I love this poem its so emotional!!
You've got real talent cant wait for your next one!!

Aww! Thank you so much. I am posting a re-write.

EDIT: Here's the link: post252590.html#252590

K thanks!

Interesting. It wasn't too cliched like a lot of poems about death/parents leaving/abandonment.

This was generally a good poem
First you could start by describing the actions in more detail as at the end i was left kind of confused: did she leave, die, kill herself it could be anything. i also felt that the poem didn't flow as well as it should have. As people have said to me before this is kind of cliched BUT there are so many pieces of work on YWS what won't get cliched after a while. To help with the flow of things try not to make it as much like a list, try connected with descriptive words,commas anything that will make it sound more natural. But don't worry in the end this poem wasn't bad to read. And at the beginning everyone gets loads of constructive criticism, that's how we improve.I know I've gotten a lot on my first poems. Keep these tips in mind when writing another poem or writing anything for that matter. Keep the poems coming.
-BroadwayGirl

This was generally a good poem
First you could start by describing the actions in more detail as at the end i was left kind of confused: did she leave, die, kill herself it could be anything. i also felt that the poem didn't flow as well as it should have. As people have said to me before this is kind of cliched BUT there are so many pieces of work on YWS what won't get cliched after a while. To help with the flow of things try not to make it as much like a list, try connected with descriptive words,commas anything that will make it sound more natural. But don't worry in the end this poem wasn't bad to read. And at the beginning everyone gets loads of constructive criticism, that's how we improve.I know I've gotten a lot on my first poems. Keep these tips in mind when writing another poem or writing anything for that matter. Keep the poems coming.
-BroadwayGirl

This was generally a good poem
First you could start by describing the actions in more detail as at the end i was left kind of confused: did she leave, die, kill herself it could be anything. i also felt that the poem didn't flow as well as it should have. As people have said to me before this is kind of cliched BUT there are so many pieces of work on YWS what won't get cliched after a while. To help with the flow of things try not to make it as much like a list, try connected with descriptive words,commas anything that will make it sound more natural. But don't worry in the end this poem wasn't bad to read. And at the beginning everyone gets loads of constructive criticism, that's how we improve.I know I've gotten a lot on my first poems. Keep these tips in mind when writing another poem or writing anything for that matter. Keep the poems coming.
-BroadwayGirl

This was generally a good poem
First you could start by describing the actions in more detail as at the end i was left kind of confused: did she leave, die, kill herself it could be anything. i also felt that the poem didn't flow as well as it should have. As people have said to me before this is kind of cliched BUT there are so many pieces of work on YWS what won't get cliched after a while. To help with the flow of things try not to make it as much like a list, try connected with descriptive words,commas anything that will make it sound more natural. But don't worry in the end this poem wasn't bad to read. And at the beginning everyone gets loads of constructive criticism, that's how we improve.I know I've gotten a lot on my first poems. Keep these tips in mind when writing another poem or writing anything for that matter. Keep the poems coming.
-BroadwayGirl

sorry i was having trouble with my computer so i posted the same comment four times.
SORRY!!!!!!
-BroadwayGirl