You Died

You Died

I once had a dream
Where as hard as I tried
I couldn't stop you from dying.
I would wake up at school,
They'd announce it in class
And they couldn't stop me from crying.

Hot tears rolled down my face
As I fell to the floor.
My hysteria increased,
And my classmates
fell silent.

Now I tell you the truth;
I don't know what I'd do
If you left me on Earth
Here to fend for myself.
I know that I couldn't
Do it alone,
And I'm glad that you're here
To face this beside me.

But it's not a dream.
This has happened before.
I know what it's like
To lose a good friend,
But no one as close
As you are to me.




This is just about a fear of mine. This whole poem is sort of rough, and I'm not happy with the ending but this ending is better than the other one I had for it. Suggestions welcome.
~Yoyo

I think the line breaks didn't go over so well. In the first stanza they did but in the third it felt jumpy.

The now-and-then-but-not-always-rhyme-scheme bothers me... =/

This poem is nice and reads pretty, but it doesn't speak to me? Everyone has this fear, certainly, so you can touch us with it, it just has to be written correctly. You sit too far into what you feel and what you are saying to the read/"you" and so the reader doesn't feel anything. Mostly due to the style it is written in, which I shall make up right now and call "letter" form.

You can survive with this, just give it something more so I can feel the sadness and fear too =D

Best of luck.

gah. Rhyme-scheme-on-crack. It really did a number on the flow. Either set an actual format to follow with your rhymes, or don't use them. For this poem, I think they subtract from the reading, so just nix 'em all together.

Moving on past flow...
Not only did this poem not make me feel anything (You didn't allow me to relate to the subject matter; make me feel what you felt when writing it. This might help ), it didn't make me see anything. Imagery can be a potent thing, and this piece could use some more of it. Paint us a picture of this scene; let us be in that class room, hear that announcement, feel the hot tension deep in our throats as we're overwhelmed with sorrow. Show us this scene, don't just tell us what happened.

With that being said, read poetry. See what you like, what pulls at your emotions, and how to emulate and incorporate these techniques into your own work.

Best of luck, and happy reading.
~Ed

The second and third stanzas didn't flow at all, I found it difficult to read, try re-writting that part, because the rest is good.

yoha_ahoy wrote:You Died

I once had a dream
Where as hard as I tried
I couldn't stop you from dying.
I would wake up at school,
They'd announce it in class
And they couldn't stop me from crying.

I like this stanza.

Hot tears rolled down my face
As I fell to the floor.
My hysteria increased,
And my classmates
fell silent.

I like the last two lines, but the stanza as a whole kind of stunk and was a little unnecessary. After all, you say that they couldn't stop you from crying. Any more description borders on navel-gazing.

Now I tell you the truth;
I don't know what I'd do
If you left me on Earth
Here to fend for myself.
I know that I couldn't
Do it alone,
And I'm glad that you're here
To face this beside me.

This isn't really poetic. In fact, it seems to be slightly ranting and rambling... not a very good combination. Scrap the stanza and try to say what you want to say.

But it's not a dream.
This has happened before.
I know what it's like
To lose a good friend,
But no one as close
As you are to me.

Scrap this one too. Then, combine the two stanzas that you scrapped and try to come up with a better version. Tips? Try combining the story of your first stanza with your last stanza in order to make your conclusion more final.

Anyway, hope that helps!

It seems very... blatent. Almost like there's not much to react to because it was all said already, and because of this, I feel pretty removed from the poem, like I'm just watching it drift by. Pull me into the poem so that I'm just as fearful as you are.

its rough but i like it
i share your fear