Belliveau: Part 1&2![UPDATED]

“Hey babe, we’re finally sophomores!” he said, he had been with me the whole summer but just hearing his voice completed my day. He pressed his lips against my cheek and smiled. I grinned, and his eyes shifted to the doorway. I didn’t get to see what he was looking at because almost immediately, I was consumed by Gavin’s chatter about his summer in Paris.

I turned back to Ben, whose eyes were still fixed at the doorway
I followed Ben's gaze, and saw he was looking at a girl seated in the back of the classroom. She was fixing her makeup, completing her Barbie-doll looks. Her blue eyes lit up and she grinned as she glanced at him quickly, and then began to smooth her tiny skirt.
“Ben,” I said.
He didn’t reply and continued to stare. I was never really the jealous type, but his staring at another girl in front of me just made me mad. I grabbed my book and took a seat across the room next to Gavin. He was still rambling about Paris, I sighed.
“What’s wrong?”
I turned to the boy who had spoke, sitting opposite Gavin.
“Nothing,” I said.
I turned away, and glued my focus on Ben who was now sitting next to Barbie.
I turned back to the boy, who was still staring at me with his inexplicable sapphire eyes. His dark hair was a complete mess and from his expression all I got was a mischievous smile.
“I’m Jasmine,” I said cheerfully, and extended my hand.
“David, nice to finally meet a beautiful girl in this dump,” He shook my hand.
I blushed and glare at Ben who had finally noticed that I had moved across the room to sit with Gavin, Ben gave me an ambiguous look, but I looked away. Throughout the class, I was caught guilty by Mr. Carol for talking with David. I was relieved when the bell rang for lunch.


When I was placing my books in my locker, I was tapped on the shoulder. I turned around to face the girl Ben was ogling at.
“Can you show me where the bathroom is?” she questioned.
I pointed to the colossal sign, which was visible to the unaided eye that said ‘Restrooms’.
She grinned, “Thanks, I’m Lynzie”
“Nice to meet you, I’m hungry,” I snapped agitated. I slammed my locker and headed to the lunch room.
I avoided eye contact with Ben who was calling my name and waving me over. I sat with Elise and Gavin at lunch. Elise introduced me to Chris, a new student in our class. Chris was very sociable, and we hit it off great. Chris was definitely something different, comparable to Ben.

After lunch, I found out I had a free period, so I decided to go to the music room and play the piano. Heading inside, I spotted Ben, and tried to quickly exit but he grabbed my arm and pulled me close.
“What’s going on with you?” he asked softly.
His lost puppy dog expression sent my eyes to the floor in evasion. He put his hands around my waist and pulled my closer,
“Talk to me,” he said, he ran his hand down my cheek.
“I’m fine,” I lied; maybe I had just made a big deal in the first place.
He tried to kiss me, but I moved away.
“So you’re fine, but I can’t kiss you?” he asked.
I look out the window and didn’t reply, was I really that jealous?
He sighed. “Please tell me something is wrong here.”
“I’m just…”I began and didn’t want to finish.
“Jealous?” he implied.
“WHAT? Should I be?” I snapped
“Lynzie and I are just friends,” He tried to sell me, but for the price I would never buy it.
I forced a smile and decided not to argue.
“Okay,” I said weakly
I felt like I was losing Ben, talking to him was impossible since he would constantly blame me for jealousy. So I would brush it off.

The first few weeks of school didn’t go as well as I thought it would have. Saturday crept slowly as the rays of sunlight gleamed through the translucent blinds. I stared at myself in the mirror and sighed. Ben and I were drifting and I had no idea what to do about it. There was a knock at the door and Chris walked in.
“I knew you’d be up,” he grinned at me.
I smiled and hugged him.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
I didn’t even have to say anything for him to know something wasn’t right about me.
“It’s nothing…” I said quietly as I released him. I turned my back to him so he wouldn’t see my tears.
“Jasmine, please talk to me babe.” He said. He draped his arms over me and rested his head on his shoulder.
A shaky breath was exhaled and tears fell upon my cheeks.
“I’m losing him,” I whispered.
Chris wasn’t sure what to say, “Let’s go for breakfast, maybe it’ll get your mind off lover boy” he grinned.
I beamed, but I didn’t want to smile. At breakfast, I laughed even though it hurt from the weight of my heavy heart. Chris always could turn my sadness into laughter.
“Well I think that Dave kid really likes you,” he said.
I shrugged. “He’s pretty shady.” I said as I stole a sip of hot chocolate from Chris’s mug. “He asks me to go dancing with him every Saturday night & I hate rejecting him, but I don’t think it’s right,”
“I don’t see why not,” Chris responded, “Ben’s hanging out with Lynzie, so why can’t you go dancing with Dave; I don’t see the problem,”
I looked out the window to see Ben and Lynzie sitting by the river, a little too close for me. I turned back to Chris.
“You really think I should go?” I questioned.
“Absolutely,” he grinned.


I'd love lots of critiques, please. :] Also, there is more of the story coming soon !

Hullo Familiar,

To begin, you've got a penchant, I'd say for dialogue. 'Tis always a good way to move a story, especially when it's done thoughtfully; and a brisk pace is often what other-wise good stories lack.

That said, you've moved along a bit too briskly, I think. A lot of dialogue. Names dropped. You throw us right into a setting, amongst characters, into a situation - and though starting fast is apt, on its own, its main difficulty is in that a writer always needs to slow down somewhat afterward to set things up before they dash off again.

So -- space out your paragraphs. (It does actually make it easier to read and critique.) And consider how you might shift from the beginning, mostly dialogue, to something slower and more narratively focused.

After all, most readers will want to become acquainted with your characters. And moving 80 miles per hour through their conversations makes it less easy. ^_^


Feel free to ask questions; PM me; and of that sort of thing. I like your use of dialogue; merely would like to see it balanced.




IMP

I like this, but I don't understand the story! Who does she like? Does she liek the first guy that talks, Ben, David, or Chris? Another thing, you just introduced Chris at lunch, and suddenly they are best friends! I agree with Imp, you are moving WAY too fast. Slow down, provide details, and develope a story. Explain settings, situations, and realationships, as well as looks. Here are a few other suggestions.

1. "I blushed and glare at Ben who had finally noticed that I had moved across the room to sit with Gavin, Ben gave me an ambiguous look, but I looked away"
"glare" should be "glared", end sentence with Gavin, and don't use the same word in the same sentence(!!!) Try this: "Ben gave me an ambiguous look, but I glanced away."

2. "lover boy”"
Comma after boy.

3. "& I hate rejecting him"
Always spell out your words. & should be and.

That's all I really have. But, I really do like your story!

PART I[REVISED] & PART TWO


“Hey babe, we’re finally sophomores!”
Ben’s face lit up as his eyes met mine. He had been with me the whole summer but just hearing his voice completed my day. He pressed his lips against my cheek and smiled. We had been together for eight months and were undeniably in love. I grinned. His eyes shifted to the doorway but I didn’t get to see what had caught his attention because almost immediately, I was consumed by Gavin’s chatter about his summer in Paris.

I turned back to Ben, whose eyes were still fixed at the doorway.
I followed his gaze, which led me to a strawberry blonde seated in the back of the classroom. She was fixing her makeup, and completing her Barbie-doll looks. Her blue eyes lit up and she smirked as she glanced at Ben quickly, and then began to smooth her tiny skirt.
“Ben,” I said.

He didn’t reply and continued to stare. I was never really the jealous type, but his staring at another girl in front of me just made me crazy. I grabbed my book and took a seat across the room next to Gavin, who was still rambling on and on about his journey, I sighed.

“What’s wrong?”

I turned to the boy who had spoke, sitting opposite Gavin. His quaint yet undoubtly stoned expression seemed attractive to me and I couldn’t grasp the reasoning.

“Nothing,” I said.

I turned away, and let my attention focus on Ben who was now sitting next to Barbie.
I turned back to the boy, who was still staring at me with his inexplicable sapphire eyes. His dark hair was a complete mess and from his expression all I got was a mischievous smile.

“I’m Jasmine,” I said cheerfully, and extended my hand.

“David, nice to finally meet a beautiful girl in this dump,” He shook my hand.

I blushed and glared at Ben who had finally noticed that I had moved across the room to sit with Gavin. Ben’s hazy expression had said it all, but I glanced away. Throughout the class, I was caught guilty by Mr. Carol for talking with David. David had just moved here from Spain, where he grew up. His libidinous actions and words, were making me foolish and I had almost forgot I had a boyfriend. Not that he had noticed I was even in the room since he was too busy with his new toy.(Which I hoped he would break in half.) I was relieved when the bell rang for lunch.


When I was placing my books in my locker, and I was tapped on the shoulder. I turned around to face the girl Ben was ogling at.
“Can you show me where the bathroom is?” she questioned.

I pointed to the colossal sign, which was visible to the unaided eye that said ‘Restrooms’.

She grinned, “Thanks, I’m Lynzie”

“Nice to meet you, I’m hungry,” I snapped agitated.
I slammed my locker and headed to the lunch room. I avoided eye contact with Ben who was calling my name and hinting for me to come over. I situated myself with my back turned to him as I chatted with Elise and Gavin.

“Do you mind if I join you?”

I looked up at the boy standing next to me.
“Hey Chris, yeah sure grab a seat!” Elise exclaimed as her face lit up with joy.
He settled himself next to me, and looked over.
“I’m Chris” he said and extended his hand.
His chartreuse eyes watched mine as I extended my hand and shook his.
“I’m Jasmine,” I replied and smiled.
Chris and I had a lot in common and he just the kind I person I needed right about now. Someone who understood me and wanted something more than just a excursion into my pants.
After lunch, I found out I had a free period, so I decided to go to the music room and play the piano. Heading inside, I spotted Ben, and tried to quickly exit but he grabbed my arm and pulled me close.
“What’s going on with you?” he asked softly.

His lost puppy dog expression sent my eyes to the floor in evasion. He put his hands around my waist and pulled my closer,
“Talk to me,” he said, he ran his hand down my cheek.

“I’m fine,” I lied; maybe I had just made a big deal in the first place.

Ben had always been loyal to me in the time that we had been together and maybe I didn’t need to be questioning his faithfulness.
He tried to kiss me, but I moved away.

“So you’re fine, but I can’t kiss you?” he asked. His fingers ran down my arm and I felt the tingling sensation of his grief.

I look out the window and didn’t reply, was I really that jealous?
He sighed. “Please tell me something is wrong here.”

“I’m just…”I began and didn’t want to finish.
“Jealous?” he implied.
“WHAT? Should I be?” I snapped. I stepped back and waited for an answer.
He shook his head and laced his fingers into mine.
“Lynzie and I are just friends,” He tried to sell me, but for the price I would never buy it.
I forced a smile and decided not to argue.

“Okay,” I said weakly.
I felt like I was losing Ben, talking to him was impossible since he would constantly blame me for jealousy. So I would brush it off.

The first few weeks of school didn’t go as well as I thought it would have. Ben and Lynzie became closer and I tried to convince myself that they weren’t into each other but I was too stubborn to believe it wasn’t true. When I was with him, he always seemed distant or he anxious, thinking or something else, or someone else. Our conversations usually always somehow always became about Lynzie.

Saturday crept slowly as the rays of sunlight gleamed through the translucent blinds. I stared at myself in the mirror and sighed. Ben and I were drifting and I had no idea what to do about it. There was a knock at the door and Chris walked in.
“I knew you’d be up,” he grinned at me.
I smiled and wrapped his hale body around me. Quickly as it seemed, Chris had become one of my better friends. I rested my head on his shoulder.

“What’s up?” he asked. He took off his cap and I messed with his golden brown locks until I was satisfied with its position.
I didn’t even have to say anything for him to know something wasn’t right about me.
“It’s just…” I said quietly as I released him. I turned my back to him so he wouldn’t see my tears.
“Jasmine, please talk to me.” He said. He draped his arms over me and rested his head on his shoulder.
A shaky breath was exhaled and tears fell upon my cheeks.
“I’m losing him,” I whispered.
His silence explained his vague reaction,
“Let’s go for breakfast, maybe it’ll get your mind off lover boy,” he grinned.

At breakfast, I laughed even though it hurt from the weight of my heavy heart. I beamed, but I didn’t want to smile. Chris always could turn my sadness into laughter.
“Well I think that Dave kid really likes you,” he said.
I shrugged. “He’s pretty shady.” I said as I stole a sip of hot chocolate from Chris’s mug.

“He asks me to go dancing with him every Saturday night and I hate rejecting him, but I don’t think it’s right,”
“I don’t see why not,” Chris responded, “Ben’s hanging out with Lynzie, so why can’t you go dancing with Dave; I don’t see the problem,”

I looked out the window to see Ben and Lynzie sitting by the river, a little too close for “friends”. His eyes burned with romance and he smiled at her. That smile was the one that stole my heart. That smile could steal any girl’s heart. I took a deep breath and gathered myself before the Nile River would flow from my eyes. I turned back to Chris.

I sighed, what was I suppose to do, sit around and wait for things to get better. I didn’t think there was any point in trying to fix something that Ben didn’t think was broken.

“You really think I should go?” I questioned.

He grinned, “Absolutely!”

_____________________________________________
PART TWO!

I still cared enough about Ben to hear his input on Dave and I going dancing. The door was slightly ajar and I peeked in. My heart dropped. My eyes unwillingly filled with tears. My heart burned with anger and pain as I saw Ben fooling around Lynzie.
I opened the door and stood in the doorway, but the events didn’t change.
My rage sent a book flying to Ben’s head, knocking him to the floor.
I didn’t say anything, and neither did he. There was nothing for him to say, it was exactly what I thought. I knew this was going to happen but I did nothing to stop it. I left, Ben didn’t follow or try to stop me. Millions of emotions ran through me like a waterfall, but I found myself drowning in anguish.

“Jasmine,”
I turned to see David.
“How bout tonight?” he asked.
“I really did think about tonight Dave, honest. But something came up.” I stated.

My feet moved at a slow pace back to the girls’ dorms.

“What came up?!” he snapped.

“I’m just feeling sick, alright?” I wasn’t in the mood for argument.

“Well, what hurts? Because if you have a headache or something…” He started.

“My heart does…” I cried quietly. I wiped my tears and continued to drag myself to my room.
I closed the door to the bridge and left him standing in the hallway.
By the time I got to my room, Ben was at the door.
“Don’t talk, just listen,” he said.
He stared at me to see what my next action would be since it wasn’t like me to listen to direction. But I listened.
“I think we need a break,” he said.
“What?!” I screeched.
He tried to calm me down but now I felt like killing the next person I saw.

“I-I don’t know, I think I might have feelings for Lynzie.” He stuttered.

“Forget the break, it’s –“ he pressed his lips against mine but I quickly pushed him away.


“Tell me why I shouldn’t end it with you right now,” I demanded.

He scratched the back of his head and looked at his feet, “I love you,” he said quietly and glanced at me.

I had so much anger built up it produced a laugh.
“Wrong answer,”

I opened my room door and attempted to slam it with his foot in the door multiple times.

“Wrong answer? You know I love you Jasmine!” He finally realized he could be losing me.
“You cheated on me!” I revealed loudly, without a doubt to the whole dorm.

I slammed the door shut, and sank to the ground. I felt sick to my stomach, and a moment later I regurgitating a weeks worth in the toilet. I heard the door close and Chris stood in the doorway, he gave me a pitiful look and held my hair back as I continued to be sick.. Chris helped me to my feet after I had wiped my mouth and carried me to my bed. He knew what had happened and there was just nothing left to say. He laid with me and caressed my hair.
“He’s an idiot,” he said.
I looked up at him and waited for the rest of his reply.
“He’s just lost the best thing ever to walk this earth,”
Even with all the pain I had in me, I manage to smile. That night I fell asleep in Chris’s arms and hoped I would never wake up again.

I woke up a few hours later; Chris had left and my phone had been ringing uncontrollably.

“What?” I said with nasty tone. There was no need to check the caller ID.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what else to say..” Ben said.

“Hmmm, lemme see… you could tell me why you cheated on me?” I said.
“Jasmine, I really don’t know, but all I know is that I love you and it won’t happen again I promise,”

I hung up. I wanted to believe him but I couldn’t. I cried myself to sleep.

I took me a few days to get comfortable again, but talking to Chris and David really helped. Having friends that were female would of probably made it worse. I really need to someone who I could talk just about me , and I found two of them.
The incessant ringing of my phone was now normal to me.
“Hello?”

“The teachers and advisers are all on a meeting, everyone’s meeting in the lobby,” Chris said. “I’ll swing by your room and we can go together,”

“Okay, see you in a few” I said.

I got dressed and tried to figure out what was going on. Chris knocked on my door. I opened it. He had a rose in his hand.
“A rose, for the beautiful,” he said, and flashed me his amazing grin.

“Thanks, Chris. You’re too sweet.”
The simper on my face hid so much. I raised the rose to my nose and inhaled the dreamy scent. I placed it on the counter and wrapped my arms around him.
“You’re the best,” I insisted as he held me tight.

We headed into a lounge where we found numerous people swapping spit. Apparently it had slipped Chris’ mind that they were playing spin the bottle. I sighed as I looked towards Ben locking lips with Lynzie once again. But I couldn’t do anything about it this time. At Belliveau, spin the bottle never counted as cheating. Once people had come up for air, we all sat in a circle and it was my turn to spin. I watched to bottle stop right next to me, and looked up at Chris and grinned.
He was going to say something, but he never got a chance too.
While I kissed him, I knew Ben was watching. I moved my hand towards his croth and out of the corner of my eye I watched Ben storm outside. When I pulled away, Chris was speechless.

“You really pissed your boyfriend off,” Lynzie stated.
I looked out the window and saw him pacing around. I went outside.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” he said, he got up right in my face.

“ME?” I screeched, “You cheated on me, remember?” he had already managed to fill my eyes with tears.

“ I know you were just trying to make me angry in there,” he said.

“You made out with Lynzie when were still together” I said, “I don’t why I didn’t just end it then, WE’RE –”

“I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!” He yelled back to me.

He hugged me “I don’t want us to be over, I love you Jasmine. But I need a break; I think I might love Lynzie too,”

I pulled away, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” I cried, I thought what we had been was real.

“IT’S OVER!” I ran back inside and up the stairs.

When I got to my room, I collapsed on my bed. I had promised myself never to cry over a boy, but I couldn’t help sobbing. I felt sick to my stomach. I thought Ben was different, but he just like the rest, and so was I, I was just another girl.

I jumped when I felt someone’s hand on my back, it was Gavin. Usually when I cried he wanted nothing to do with me, so I was surprised to see him.
“Chris wanted to come, but I wanted to talk to you first.” He was very serious.

I sat up and waited for him to speak again, “Ben is the definition of a Belliveau Bastard,”
Gavin put his arm around my shoulder, and always looked me in the eye when he spoke.
“And you, you’re really stupid.” I gave him a confused look; he was definitely not making me feel better.

“Shame on you for loving him so much,” I looked at him and looked away.

I was speechless, and he utterly right. He hugged me and kissed my cheek. “Feel better,” he headed out the door. I placed my head on the pillow and fell back asleep.

School was a torture the next day. Pity smothered me every where I turned. Relief triumphed over my pity when I stepped into my Spanish class. I knew I only had 45 minutes before I could lock myself in my room and stare at my ceiling until I fell asleep.

Concentration was an intricate task because of all the pathetic looks I was given. Of course every one but David was feeling distress for me.

“ Do you mind sharing your book, mine hasn’t come in yet?” David said.

“ Sure” I said. I didn’t look up.

I slid the book to the middle of the table. From my one word responses, David figured out quickly I didn’t feel like talking. When the bell rang, I jumped to my feet and grabbed my books.

“See you later.” David said

“Bye,” I replied.

As I walked out of the classroom, I came to face Ben and Lynzie making out.
I would have ignored them but the fact that they were blocking my locker; I was forced to discontinue their love session. I cleared my throat, but they didn’t stop. I stepped on Ben’s foot. He pulled away from Lynzie. They both looked stared at me waiting to tell them off.

“Move” I grumbled. They backed away; I opened my locker and shoved my books inside. Lynzie had disappeared by the time I closed my locker.

I began walking towards the stairs, “Jasmine...”

I turned to face Ben; he just stared at me and sighed,
“I’m sorry,” he said. His words meant nothing to me, so I headed up the stairs

When I got to my room I collapsed on my bed and cleared my head.

Chris had been there for me through everything. I would never want to lose him as a friend. Gavin hated hearing about my problems, he was definitely a little selfish when came to talking about himself. I hadn’t noticed until now but Chris was just like Ben. I shook it from my head as I finished my homework. My door opened and David walked in,
“Hey cutie,” he said. He sat at the end of my bed and grinned.

“Gi,” I said. David had become a close friend also but he was too predictable.

I knew he was going to ask me to go dancing tonight so I took the liberty of saving him a breath. He had asked me every night for the past two months.
“I have a lot of homework tonight, Dave” I said, I didn’t even look up at him.
He didn’t say anything, he just stared at me.

“ Why won’t you go dancing with me?” he asked, I heard a lot of anger in his voice.

“David, I’m just really busy.” I said.
He was silent, he stood up.

“You’re right, I’m sorry,” he walked towards the door.

He placed his hand on the door knob but he didn’t open it; he locked it. I jumped to my feet and my books fell to the ground.

“What are you doing?” I asked, my heart thumped against my chest in unison with his footsteps towards me. His expression was a cold stare. He stuck his hand in his pocket. I was too frightened to move. Our faces were an inch away, whatever happened next I knew wasn’t going to be good.