Johnny Walker

Johnny Walker is rough, yet so smooth. A student who does negative things, but has good intentions. Judge him wrongly, judge him fairly. Believe what your eyes see and what your mind tells you. Or not.

Why not give him a chance? Look past all the grime and the scraggly facial hair. Is Johnny really wasting his life away as the people have been led to believe? During some lunch hours, he hangs out with shady looking youth underneath the stairwell.

His looks and way of dress are at his disadvantages as no grocery or appliance store will hire him. So, he he supplies marijuana & methamphetamines to kids who rely on it to get them through the day. Johnny's not a user or a drug abuser as everyone seems to believe. He's never touched the stuff, but no one ever learns.

The people are on the outside looking in, they simply don't understand what he's truly about. He is a survivor.

When he arrives home to his camper van, and sees his parents sitting in their broken chairs and sees his parents wearing their tattered clothing, just as he is, he breathes a sigh of relief. Knowing that he is finally in the company of people who understand. He gives his mother a kiss on the cheek and his father a handshake.

As he reaches into his pocket he tells them everything is going to be alright. When he places the crumpled bills into their soft and forgiving hands, they begin to cry quietly and thank him.

he he supplies marijuana

Typo

When he arrives home to his camper van, and sees his parents sitting in their broken chairs and sees his parents wearing their tattered clothing, just as he is, he breathes a sigh of relief. Knowing that he is finally in the company of people who understand.

The part in red is annoying, because it repeats the same thing. It would sound better just to use, "They" or nothing at all the second time. Your voice is real poetic, but the repetition doesn't work. The underlined sentence is a fragment [that doesn't work. Fragments can sometimes be OK in writing, obviously, but this one doesn't work.] You can attach it to the previous sentence with a semi colon, or make it, "He knows..."

This was sweet. It had meaning to it, and your voice and writing are beautiful. I enjoyed reading it. I don't know whether to complain, or suck it up because it is well written. But in any case, I'll critique it and complain =D

Though it was beautiful, it had no "plot". And sure, it is flash fiction, but it's boring without the plot. It just seems like description. If you cut the last few paragraphs, this could be description of a character in a novel, and not a flash fiction piece. There was no action, no conflict. Just that character. Although, people judging him wrongly could be seen as conflict, but it isn't enough.

Of course, I don't think you should change it, because I don't know how you would. Then again, there is a lot of telling, and if instead you wrote this story with the end scene in mind, actually writing the scene out and adding all the thoughts into it, it would work nicely.

But even with those problems, I like it as is. It "works". So, I'll leave it up to you..

I really enjoy your voice, I hope to read more from you!

"During some lunch hours, he hangs out with shady looking youth underneath the stairwell."

This is the only sentence that didn't seem to fit (in my opinion at least.) I like the sentence all right (it adds to the description of Johnny), but i don't like the location. Maybe rearrange it?

Other than that, i really liked it though. It gave me a perspective that i had never considered before. It definitely makes the reader think and reconsider their views, which in my opinion, is a good thing.

=)

Claudette picked up on the repetition and typo and other than that, I thought it was a good piece of writing. I liked the change in perspective and the fact that it was someone other than Johnny telling the story. First person wouldn't have worked for this piece and I'm glad you realised that. Basically, it was interesting and thought provoking so well done.

Everyone before me has pointed out most of the mistakes. The only thing I could find, was that the first sentence didn't really pull me in. The rest kept my attention, but usually, after reading that first sentence, I would have stopped.

This was really well done. Be sure to PM me if you add more or if you edit this at all.

~JFW1415