Heart Damage.(Ch.1?)

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Corazon Anders walked down the street with a frown on her face. She was going to meet a friend for lunch. His name was Jeremy Landen. He had short brown hair, was very strong, and tall, and attractive, but Corazon had known him since she was two years old. His parents had taken her in once her father had died. She loved him like a brother. She hadn't seen him in months. He had just gotten back from a trip for college. She was mad at him though. He just called up and wanted her to come eat with him. She had a life too. She walked into the diner and sat across from her smiling friend.

"Hi Jeremy. Long time no see."
"Hey! How you been?." There was that smile again.
"You know Jer, you come back and just want to hang out. You didn't even ask. You demand it and I'm going through a crisis at the moment. You didn't even see if it was okay with me."
"Cool it Caz, what happened?"
"Well, you know how I was going out with Nathan? Last night he just sorta broke us off. He wouldn't even tell me why." Her voice lowered to a whisper that he had to strain to hear. "And I've been having those dreams again. The nightmares. They're really starting to freak me out Jer."

He got up and gave her a comforting hug. "I'm sorry Caz. I know you hurt. Don't worry, I'm here for you."

"I know you are Jer. Sorry for snapping at you."
"That's ok. I understand. Hey! You know what? We should go and visit Lily and Tom. They're getting married soon right? Let's go and visit them and go have some fun ok?"

"You always had a way of making me smile. I love you Jeremy Landen."
"I love you too Corazon."

They got onto a bus and sat in the back. He told her all about his trip. How he met a man who can probably help him get a great job once he graduates. He told her everything, sometimes going so fast she had to ask him to repeat himself. They got at their stop and walked off the bus.

"Hey Jer, If Lily's place is still a few minutes away..."
"What you getting at Caz?" At that moment she pushed him down onto the bench and ran down the sidewalk.
"Race ya!" She shouted behind her. Jeremy laughed and jumped to his feet chasing after her. Once they got to Lily's he wright behind her. He grabbed her and tackled her into the grass. They were wrestling on the grass when the two came out from inside.

"Hey you two, get a room." A girl in her twenties with short blond hair in a pink tank top and blue shorts called out. Corazon got to her feet and ran to the girl hugging her.
"Hey Lily! Congrats!"
"Thanks Corazon. Oh my lord. Look what Jeremy did to your gorgeous hair! Come inside, we must fix!" She grabbed Corazon's wrist and pulled her inside. She pulled the grass out of her long brown hair. She brushed through it until it shined. Then let it set on her shoulder and fall down her back a bit. Corazon's grey eyes looked at herself in the mirror and smiled.

A man came down the stairs wearing a black T-shirt and blue jeans. Corazon jumped up and hugged him. "Tom! Congrats! You make sure you don't scare everyone away at the wedding ok?"

"What could you possible mean?" He asked laughing.
"I mean, Make sure you bathe before and use a comb for once on that mess of hair. Oh! And wear and a tux you slob." She slapped his stomach even though it was so hard it hurt. Corazon couldn't tell when she hadn't seen Tom working out. He was so strong and handsome. He had black hair and a strong face.

"So Jer promised we were gonna have some fun. Well?" Corazon asked smiling.
"Lemme just get changed and we can go to Murph's." Lily said running upstairs.
"Woman and their clothes." Tom said smiling.
"Ahem! I'm not running around to look perfect am I?" Corazon said with her hands on her hips.
"Well you're already as stunning as you're gonna get." Jeremy said smiling. Corazon let out a small laugh. "Right."

Once Lily came down they got in Tom's blue Mustang. They drove down to the bar laughing and joking around on their way. Once they got their Lily and Corazon went off to get a seat. Tom bought everyone a beer and they danced and had fun.

One man, a biker by the name of Joe, was pretty drunk that night. The bartender wouldn't let him drink anymore and he was getting pretty worked up about it. He grabbed a gun and shot it up into the air. All went quiet.

"I want a drink! Now!" He yelled. Tom came up trying to calm him down.
"Look buddy, just calm down. Put the gun do--" A gunshot went off right into Tom's stomach. Lily screamed and ran towards him. Joe held the gun at Tom.

"Take another step and I shoot bitch!" Lily stopped dead cold. "Now give me a beer!" The bartender still refused and Joe shot Tom again and again and again and again. Each time a bullet went off you could hear Lily scream. Jeremy and Corazon had to hold her against them trying to look away from the horrible scene.

Then the police came in. They grabbed Joe and brought in an ambulance. They put Tom in and drove off. Lily was crying madly. She was screaming and cursing and it almost drove Corazon to tears to see her friend hurting so bad.
"It'll be all right Lily. It'll be all right." She cooed. They stayed there all night, not speaking a word to each other. It was a night of silence. Silence to mourn for their friend Tom.
Last edited by Lindsaroo on Mon Aug 06, 2007 11:07 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"After it happened I thought that I'd just try to live as normally as possible and bury it, but things like that don't stay buried. I didn't think it would, but it taints your whole life."

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wow.
more please!
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I ditto the 'wow'! I liked the setup and everything, but the ending seemed a bit rushed.

Will there be a part 2?
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This was good although I noticed a few mistakes.

He told her everything, sometimes go so fast she had to ask him to repeat himself.

Should be:
He told her everything, sometimes speaking so fast that she had to ask him to repeat himself.

They got at their stop and walked off the bus.

This sentence doesn't make sense.

Once they got to Lily's he was on her.

Erm...doesn't sound too good. LOL. Can this be cut out or re-phrased?

Look what Jeremy did to [s]our[/s] gorgeous hair!

your

A man came down the stairs [s]wear[/s] a black T-shirt and blue jeans.

wearing.

And wear [s]and[/s] tux you slob

a

One man, a biker by the name [s]a[/s] Joe,

of

They stayed [s]their[/s] all night, not speaking a word to each other.

there

This has some really good ideas but I feel like your sentence structures let you down.
Instead of using all short sentences put in some longer ones, especially in the beginning.
Show don't tell. If a guys drunk,describe him and let the reader figure out that he's drunk.

Keep it up,
All the best,
Alainna
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I edited my mistakes. Thanks Alainna. And yes, This is just Ch.1. sorta. Thanks for reading and commenting guys
"After it happened I thought that I'd just try to live as normally as possible and bury it, but things like that don't stay buried. I didn't think it would, but it taints your whole life."

"My desires were bestial, obviously." -Jeffery Dahmer.




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you need to get someone to look ovber it, I felt like the end was rushed. YOu allso had a few repeating words and some even missing.
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This was really sad but well written.

The only thing that worries me is it all seems to go a little fast. There were many events happening, and the story was small. First Corazon was going to meet Jeremy, then they took the bus, then they went to Tom and Lily's house, and then lastly they went to the bar. Maybe stop and put a little more emotion and detail in it? Slow things down a bit? I don't know, maybe a little more dialogue here and there? Alainna I believe got all the spelling mistakes.

Overall though this was really good!! It is sad that Tom and Lily were just about to get married. :(

Is there going to be more???

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!
~Mateeah




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I shall make some specific points first -

They got at their stop and walked off the bus. [This would sound better as they got [color=blue]to their stop.[/color]

Once they got to Lily's he wright [Instead of 'he wright' it should be he was right...] behind her.

They were wrestling on the grass when the two came out from inside. [This is a little awkward. How about 'They were wrestling [either on the ground or in the grass] when their friends came outside.]

"Woman and their clothes." [Women rather than woman.]

Once they got their [there instead of their and there should be a comma after it.] Lily and Corazon went off to get a seat.

Then the [I think you mean they.] came in.

______________________________

Other than those typos, the story was good and I'm glad you told us a little of Tom's character before you shot him. I think that's the part that needs more work though. Have them in the bar longer. Perhaps this man is a side character. He starts off sober and then gets drunk through the night. Maybe he asks Lily to dance at some point? Have him seem like an ordinary person at first and then it's more of a surprise and you have longer to introduce Lily and Tom. Then Tom's death will mean more to the reader.

Also, I think the barman would give him a drink if he was threatening people with a fun. That's a touch unrealistic. And how is he caught? You should at least mention the police coming in and better yet, describe that scene.

In general, there's a lot of action and it has an interesting, tragic plot but slow it down a little and add description.
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this is really good, you should really keep going with it. Just work on the ending, it was kinda qwick, but keep up the good work!!! it was awsome!
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