Spill

Geriatric
I seem to be
me!
falsetto movement
of the
bowel variety
examining endlessly
facial trajectories
a squat proximity
from
gargling indiscriminately
you dig?

Love the ending! Very humorous and an excellent contrast to the mature, complex vocabulary of the rest. I think the short, brief lines work really well for this and basically it was good and meaningful.

It was too wordy for me.

But that's really all I can say. I couldn't exactly pick up on the meaning.

This made me laugh with the geriatric reference at the beginning. As for an actual critique? I don't know. It was rather short, so other than being humerous, it didn't do much for me.

the over-wordyness didn't bode well with me; and it contrasted unpleasantly with the general light mood to this. there's not much weight behind the words. Yes, it was meant as a simple little piece, but even so you could improve on the actual content level.

This is a poop joke, disguised as a poem. Nothing more. The wordiness is to prove that not all toilet humor needs to be simple and crass.

...haha. Um... gross?

I hope you move on to better projects.

You have a very nice vocabulary, and as far as potty-humour goes it's too wordy for me.

Please young writers, tell me what it is that you find so appalling about my polysyllables. You say it is too wordy? Perhaps it is you, who is not wordy enough. Or perhaps it is your opinion that my poetic fecal musings would have more artistic merit, if they were arranged as such:

Boy
I have to poop
perhaps
I will do so
in the mouth
of my choosing
yippee

Up until I joined this website, I had never heard the phrase "too wordy" in criticism of a work of literature. To me this is an absurd idea, and those who use it while daring to call themselves writers are doubly absurd. I can understand if you do not find a verbose, cleverly constructed poop joke as hilarious as I do, but this is far from the first time I have had to shake my head in dismay at a collection of "too wordy" comments below one of my works, in place of actual constructive criticism. Here's a word: Dictionary. Or perhaps even that, is just a little too wordy.

Now then, I'm sure by now you consider me to be an unmitigated jerk-wad, but this has been on my mind for some time. It is also important to note that I was considerate enough to use the word jerk-wad in place of a preferred expletive. That is all.

and perhaps you should be prepared to receive any and all criticism gracefully before posting your work on a literary site.

You're as tactless as this piece, and seemingly just as full of crap.

Don't flatter yourself with this 'get a dictionary' front; you overdid the syllables and it killed the flow. Get used to hearing honest opinions, or get out.

I had never heard the phrase "too wordy" in criticism of a work of literature. To me this is an absurd idea, and those who use it while daring to call themselves writers are doubly absurd.

Hah. If you are saying there is no such thing as a piece of literature or poetry to be "too wordy" then you must have no idea what you are talking about.

Also, keep on topic, or I might be forced to lock this.

I agree with those above. It was a - well - interesting idea, but it was too wordy.

When something is too wordy, it means that the amount of words interrupts the flow, hinders the illustration of the message of the piece, makes the pace drag, clutters the sentences/stanzas or that many of the words are rather unnecessary. In this case, I feel it clutters the stanzas, thus disinteresting the reader and making the poem blocky to read. When a critiquer tells you something is too wordy, they probably noticed that the amount of words you used did one or more of the above things.

A good vocabulary is essential for writing, but a good vocabulary does not mean a writer has a right to use an amount of words to confuse the reader or hinder the poem. Words are beautiful, but too much of something beautiful is bad. When a writer uses to many word, it's like taking a beautiful structure and adding, garnishing and painting it until it is extravagant and obnoxious - no longer beautiful. You can be clever and unique without being wordy. Read some of the other poets on here (like Claudette, whence, Incandescence and a whole lot of other great poets) as well as published poets, and you will see this.

I have much experience with wordiness. How can you fix this?

1. Aim for clarity, not quantity. Be specific, precise - don't use words just for the sake of using them.

2. Use the right word. Find the right word, not two or three words that are just okay

3. Focus on using strong verbs and cut down on less-effective adjectives.

4. Practice. Duh. It's the only way to improve.

5. Listen to critiques and take them to heart. People on this site are trying to help you, not hurt you.

Keep writing and good luck with this poem. PM me if you have any questions. And please, if you disagree with critiquers, either keep it to yourself or speak with them politely through private messaging; cluttering the forum of your piece tends to keep other reviewers and critiquers away.

It's great to have a nice vocab but if your readers cant understand what you're saying than the poem is no good.

I mean It's funny but a poo joke. Surely you can come up with something better. I'm with Whence. Tactless,

Just my opinion, take it or leave it.

Say what? I have a largeish vocabulary but... what was that? I have no idea what more than half of that was!

*Pulls hood over face in frustration*

The issue is not that I don't know how to take a bad critique. My frustration stems from the fact that the people on this website seem to be the only ones giving these magnificently useless critiques. Now, that is not to say that all of my work is highly praised by all others who read it, but I do know that it is not met with such utter gawking incomprehension in any other circles. But certainly, I am not here to heave blame. Perhaps it is just that I am not so much a young writer, and that my mind is too far removed from the collective of this place, for there to be anything gained from this relationship. Time will tell, unless it already has, in which case time will tell again, and so forth. That is all.