A Prologue of sorts?

YAY! First post of anything I've actually written, why can't it be anything good! I was never any good at introductions , but here it is!

Introduction
A column of smoke coiled up from the ruins of Mariel to greet the sombre moon; it was not the moon Aedrial knew, it had been humbled as it watched the city burn. Aedrial looked down at her little brother hanging onto her hand; he quivered as a Dagron Guard, resplendent in his red battle armour, stomped past.

“Where are they taking us?” Aedrial’s brother whispered.

“I don’t know.”

No one knew. Where the Dagron went death followed, any survivors were never seen again. Aedrial watched the ranks of prisoners nervously; everything was silent except for the clank of the Dagron’s heavy boots and the gentle sub tone of the wind. What was going to happen to them? Aedrial thought.

The Dagron shoved the prisoners into the Barren field without comment. Aedrial wiped the sweat from her brow, glad for the sudden chance to rest. They had been marching relentlessly for a couple of days. Aedrial hurried to find a spot for her and her brother to sleep. Her brother curled up in the long grass with Aedrial and they both fell into an uncomfortable sleep.

Panic swept across Mariel as fire lapped at the city’s gates. It was not long before the timber crumbled and the Dagron marched in sending the swarm of townsfolk scattering. The feeble band of Militia and town guard stood their ground as the Dagron stomped steadily towards them.

“Fire!”

A volley of arrows catapulted into the ranks of Dagron, splintering against their thick armour. The first line of Dagron raised their gauntlets to the defenders of Mariel and from within a small holster jettisoned thick barbed bolts that rocketed into their ranks breaking them in a hail of steel. The remaining guard fled the line of corpses, deeper into the city. Aedrial watched the guards escape to the innermost part of the city from her seat on the balcony.

Fire now raged through the outskirts of the city and the inner city was crammed with the remaining soldiers. The citizens had sought sanctuary in the Temple. Aedrial barged through the crowd frantically searching for her brother. Outside, the palisade had already succumbed to the Dagron’s demonic fire. As it crumpled to the ground the soldiers drew their weapons, preparing for their last stand. The Dagron emerged from the cloud of smoke the fire had produced in a whirl of steel bolts. The militia did not have time to realise how terrified they were before they were all massacred.

Aedrial pushed open the door to an altar chamber of the temple with a creak. Her brother was squatted in the corner trembling as the temple shook. Suddenly the door burst open Aedrial gasped and looked around.

Aedrial’s eyes snapped open. A Dagron Guard was leering over her and a cold metal hand reached out for her neck. No noise protruded from within his visor, but inside Aedrial’s mind she heard the words:

“You know something!”

I really like your story so far. Gripping towards the end, though a little unclear. You should probably use a different spelling for ‘Dagron,’ because I first thought it said ‘Dragon.’ Unless you’re purposefully doing that so people think Dragons are evil things too…..

Why doesn’t Aedrial’s brother have a name? (by the way, I like how you spelled ‘Aedrial.’ It looks freaking awesome!) Is he a side character, or does his name have something to do with their destiny?

Now for some editing ;P

“Where the Dagron went death followed, any survivors were never seen again.”

You should clarify this sentence towards the end. Maybe “any survivors left without a second thought to the other slaves” or something like that.

“The Dagron drove the prisoners relentlessly on until abruptly and without command they stopped them in a barren field.”

This should be broken up. Such as:

“The Dagron shoved the prisoners into the Barren field without comment. Aedrial wiped the sweat from her brow, glad for the sudden chance to rest. They had been marching relentlessly for a couple of days.”


“Naturally people took this opportunity to rest and the Dagron did not protest, perhaps this was a small show of compassion on their part.”

Maybe they don’t notice or care. Maybe the prisoners rest because the Dagron want to stop and rest. Also,
what are they doing that makes them ignore their prisoners?

“The first line of Dagron raised their gauntlets to the defenders of Mariel and from within a small holster jettisoned thick barbed bolts that rocketed into their ranks breaking them in a hail of steel.”

The last part doesn’t make sense to me. Breaking what into a hail of steel? The bullets or the people? This should be separated into a couple of sentences too.

“Aedrial had observed the slaughter from a balcony in the temple.”

The word ‘had’ implies that she is having a flashback. Maybe if you say something like “Aedrial watched the guards flee to the innermost part of the city from her seat on the balcony.” Also, why isn’t she actively fighting or running away? Is she forced to be where she is?

“Aedrial barged through the crowd frantically searching for her brother.”

‘Barge’ may not be the best word to use. Maybe ‘violently shove’ or something.

“Outside the palisade had already succumbed to the Dagron’s demonic fire and the soldiers drew swords, ready to make there final stand.”

This should be rewritten. Something like:

“Outside, the palisade had already succumbed to the Dagron’s demonic fire. As it crumpled to the ground the soldiers drew their weapons, preparing for their last stand.”

“The Dagron emerged from the cloud of smoke the fire had produced in a whirl of steel bolts.”

Just take out “the fire had produce” and it should be good.

“Fire now raged through the outskirts of the city and the inner city was crammed with the remaining soldiers.”

I would suggest making this two sentences, just to clarify what's going on.

“The militia did not have time to realize how terrified they were before they were all massacred.”

Take out “did not have time,” and replace it with “didn’t.” Instead of ‘before’ use ‘when.”

“Aedrial creaked open the door to an altar chamber of the temple. Her brother was squatted in the corner trembling as the temple shook. Suddenly the door burst open Aedrial gasped and looked around.”

You should change the wording a little. Such as:

“Aedrial creaked open the door to the alter chamber of the temple. There she found her brother squatting in a corner, trembling as the temple shook. The door Aedrial had opened was slammed shut, making her gasp and turn around.”

Also, more description at this point would be good to build more suspense. Maybe if the brother said something, or he looked different from normal.


Sorry for the long analysis there. I really DO like your story. If it sounds too critical, I’m sorry. I am really just trying to help.
I think you have it going pretty good, and your intro is really good!!! I look forward to seeing more of your work.
Best luck to ya, mon!!!

Owen Bytheway, does Aedrial's name have a meaning? I'm just curious.

Oooh, very enjoyable. I adore your style - it seems simple, but at the same time, it shows so much to the reader. Beautiful. I had not sylistic qualms about this, so I'm going to skip to some nitpicks...

A [s]writhing[/s] column of smoke coiled up from the ruins of Mariel to greet the sombre moon. It was not the moon Aedrial knew, austere and mysterious, but melancholy as it watched the city burn. Aedrial looked down at her little brother hanging onto her hand; he quivered as a Dagron Guard, resplendent in his red battle armour, stomped past.

'Writhing' clutters the sentence and the fact that the smoke is coiling produces the same picture with less words. The sentence in red was strange - too many adjectives and not enough verbs. Try rewording it to make it sound more clear and natural.

The Dagron drove the prisoners [s]relentlessly [/s]on until abruptly and without command they stopped them in a barren field. Naturally people took this opportunity to rest and the Dagron did not protest, [s]perhaps this was a small show of compassion on their part[/s]. Aedrial hurried to find a spot for her and her brother to sleep. Her brother curled up in the long grass with Aedrial and they both fell into an uncomfortable sleep.

Get rid of relentlessly; the verb 'drove' implies this. The other part I crossed out seemed very unnecessary; the reader understands from how you have characterized the Dagron that this is merciful.

A volley of arrows catapulted into the ranks of Dagron, splintering against their thick armour. The first line of Dagron raised their gauntlets to the defenders of Mariel and from within a small holster jettisoned thick barbed bolts that rocketed into their ranks breaking them in a hail of steel. The remaining guard fled the line of corpses and back deeper into the city. Aedrial had observed the slaughter from a balcony in the temple.

I love the way you've written your action - it's gorgeous. The part in red sounds strange. If we break it up, you are saying that the guard fled the line of corpses. Good. And that the remaining guard fled back deeper into the city. That second part sounds strange, no? If you flee, it is implied that you are fleeing back.

Fire now raged through the outskirts of the city[,] and the inner city was crammed with the remaining soldiers. The citizens had sought sanctuary in the Temple. Aedrial barged through the crowd frantically searching for her brother. Outside the palisade had already succumbed to the Dagron’s [s]demonic [/s]fire and the soldiers drew swords, ready to make there final stand. The Dagron emerged from the cloud of smoke the fire had produced in a whirl of steel bolts. The militia did not have time to realise how terrified they were before they were all massacred.

Word choice with succumbed? I see succumbed as more an emotional/mental resignation, not so much as being defeated. And 'demonic' is really not needed.

Aedrial creaked open the door to an altar chamber of the temple. Her brother was squatted in the corner trembling as the temple shook. Suddenly the door burst open Aedrial gasped and looked around

A door can open with a creak, but can someone creak a door open?

Great job on this; if you write anymore, I'll be sure to look at it. Keep writing and PM me if you have any questions.

WOW! Well this is praise indeed, thanks! I'll look into edditing those bits .

SeraphTree wrote:Owen Bytheway, does Aedrial's name have a meaning? I'm just curious.

Not that I know of, but I'm glad you liked it!

Tempest wrote:
I am going to review this fully, I hope, I've never been so good at it:-

A column of smoke coiled up from the ruins of Mariel to greet the sombre moon;it I think that a semi-colon will work well here as you have carried on talking about the moon was not the moon Aedrial knew, it had been humbled as it watched the city burn. Aedrial looked down at her little brother hanging onto her hand; he quivered as a Dagron Guard, resplendent in his red battle armour, stomped past. I love the imagery you use its brilliant, the symbolism is great.

“Where are they taking us?” Aedrial’s brother whispered.

“I don’t know.” I think maybe here you could put how Aedriel says it, does he whisper also, I know this is probably the matter but the reader may not pick up on this.

No one knew. I think you should seperate the paragraphs here to keep up the suspense.

Where the Dagron went death followed, any survivors were never seen again. Aedrial watched the ranks of prisoners nervously; everything was silent except for the clank of the Dagron’s heavy boots and the gentle sub tone of the wind. What was going to happen to them? Aedrial thought. Brilliant paragraph, explaining the Dagrons through description and detail whilst keeping it short avoiding the info-dump.

The Dagron shoved the prisoners into the Barren field without comment. Aedrial wiped the sweat from her brow, glad for the sudden chance to rest. They had been marching relentlessly for a couple of days. Aedrial hurried to find a spot for her and her brother to sleep. Her brother curled up in the long grass with Aedrial and they both fell into an uncomfortable sleep.

Panic swept across Mariel as fire lapped at the city’s gates. It was not long before the timber crumbled and the Dagron marched in sending the swarm of townsfolk scattering. The feeble band of Militia and town guard stood their ground as the Dagron stomped steadily towards them.

“Fire!”

A volley of arrows catapulted into the ranks of Dagron, splintering against their thick armour. The first line of Dagron raised their gauntlets to the defenders of Mariel and from within a small holster jettisoned thick barbed bolts that rocketed into their ranks breaking them in a hail of steel. The remaining guard fled the line of corpses, deeper into the city. Aedrial watched the guards escape to the innermost part of the city from her seat on the balcony.

Fire now raged through the outskirts of the city and the inner city was crammed with the remaining soldiers. The citizens had sought sanctuary in the Temple. Aedrial barged through the crowd frantically searching for her brother. Outside, the palisade had already succumbed to the Dagron’s demonic fire. As it crumpled to the ground the soldiers drew their weapons, preparing for their last stand. The Dagron emerged from the cloud of smoke the fire had produced in a whirl of steel bolts. The militia did not have time to realise how terrified they were before they were all massacred. These last to paragraphs - brilliant, they explain the hectic atmosphere around the city.

Aedrial pushed open the door to an altar chamber of the temple with a creak. Her brother was squatted in the corner trembling as the temple shook. Suddenly the door burst open Aedrial gasped and looked around.

Aedrial’s eyes snapped open. A Dagron Guard was leering over her and a cold metal hand reached out for her neck. No noise protruded from within his visor, but inside Aedrial’s mind she heard the words:

“You know something!”

Okay, this is really good, the description is consistent and the suspense leading up to that cliffhanger - brilliant - you have a great piece of writing here.

Very well written. Good imagery and appropriately gripping cliff-hanger, which I'm sure everyone's been saying. Will there be a part 2? I hope so based on the fruits of this great extract! I particularly liked your use of the words "succumbed", "austere" (which I have never heard of before) and "sub-tone". (The latter was used when you described the breeze). Good use of semi-colons as well. There were also many good adjectives used. You could have used a few more, but like me you don't always have to use many as everything as generally explained and imagination is the key to a mental depiction in one's mind.

Evidence that age is not everything, in the world of writing.

Excellent style. Competent, stylish, and simple enough to follow without any trouble. Nothing more can be said, really, without being rather redundant of the others above me.

More, perhaps?

Well, everyone else has preety much dismantled it and done their job well so I'll praise you on a job well done.

Good job! *throws bits of praise at you*

I'm not very good at critiquing, but I do want to say that this introduction really caught my interest. My first thought was 'What happened? What's going on?', which in this case, is a very good thing. I wanted to read more, and I still do. Good job!

Ok, some points and remedies as thats what my critique style seems to be now:

Enjoyable story, I read it to the end. Howerver - why is half of it in italics? I see no reason for it to be. The remedy is remove italics.

You use the viewpoint of the Main CHaracter, I think. Therefore I don't think this should be a prologue. I think it should be chapter 1.

The Dagron seems a card board cut out to me. I think you need to darken him a lot - "where the Dagron went, death followed" - maybe the MC can recall some rumors, what he does etc....

The prologue was amazing! You have a great writing style, and the end was really suspenseful.

Keep writing, this was really good!

I'm back after a few months and just want to say thanks for all your praise and help i really appreciate it