Lycanthropy Redo Ch1 and some of Ch2

This is long but please bare with me. I didn't really plan on posting, but I did.

Lycanthropy

Chapter1
My muscles tensed, I took a quick look around and saw men and women carrying torches. I kept on hiding up on a sturdy branch. Trying not make a sound and not making any leaves fall, but my paw slipped. “There is the cursed Werewolf!”yelled a man from the village. I leapt from the tree, dropped into all fours, and ran into the forest.

After I was sure I lost them I leaned against a tree panting. My rest didn’t last till I heard the sounds of men running from where I came. “I’m sure he ran this way,” said the same man who spotted me.

“Ah, you damn fool, you’re probably seeing things,” said a second man. “Let’s head back, before the others find the Werewolf before we do,” and I heard footsteps walking away.

“I’ll catch that Werewolf someday,” mumbled the first man before he to finally left.

After I was sure they were gone I picked myself up, climbed up a tree, and laid down on a thick branch. I made sure that no other human was going to walk this way, I fell asleep.

I walk up with a start as I felt the familiar pains of bones and muscles changing and moving as I quickly turned to my human form. I fell out of the tree and onto the ground as I felt the pains recede. I pulled myself to my knees and gasped for air, I couldn’t wait for the next new moon, the only day of the month where no pains would come.

I picked myself up from the ground and brushed what dirt I could from my naked body. Then I started walking deeper into the forest heading to my village of Zeinta, one of the many secluded Lycan villages in Italy.

When I was heading back to Zeinta I tried to remember what had those villagers chasing after me.

I went into their village looking for a small meal, but I didn’t realize what time it was, so when the moon rose the villagers so me for who I was, a Werewolf. It is my curse and I’ll live with it.

Once I was in my Lycan form I bolted into the nearby woods and hid in a tree till they found me. And now here I am walking back to my village naked and hungry.

I stopped by a river and drank it’s cool refreshing water. I looked into the water as I drank and say my pitch black shaggy hair, my pale skin, and my thin body, from nights of little eating. I hit the water with my hand, distorting the image, and again set off towards my village.

It was near midday when I reached the village. By just looking at it you would think it be a ghost town, but when you looked into the nearby trees naked figures of men, women, and children appeared all going into one direction; the village.

“Lethero,” came a voice from behind.

I snapped around and say it was my brother, Scado. “Oh, hey Scado,” I called back.

Scado was like me in many ways, but he had an almost pure white hair and had a slightly more build. He was always mischievous and sometimes I didn’t like his decisions, but I loved him none of the less because he was my younger brother.

“Come on, Lethero,” he said, “let’s go see if Geedo can get us any clothing.” And we both started towards the town.

As we both neared the village young pups running around in rags, all having a wild look to their expression. I remembered when me and Scado were like that, we’d always worry Nicarga, our mother, but we eventually grew out of it.

We neared the center of the village we saw a small group of naked Lycans outside a building: Geedo’s clothing building. People went in and came back out a few minutes later with clothing. Me and Scado got in line with the other Lycans.

When we finally entered the building we meet our life long friend, Geedo. “Hey Geedo,” we both said as we entered. Geedo like Scado had almost pure white hair, wrinkles of an aging Lycan, and a permanent look of worry in his face.

“Hey, you two,” he answered in his rough voice. “Hope ye guys haven’t been getting into trouble.”

“You’re just like our mother,” Scado said, “always worrying that we got ourselves in troubles with humans.” I looked at the floor.

“Your mother had been a good gal,” Geedo said mournfully, “but since she ain’t here, I have to watch out for you two.” He reached behind the his counter and pulled out some clothing. “Here boys, take these before you get cold.”

Scado and I slipped the uncomfortable clothes on, said bye to Geedo and started for the door. Before we went through the doorway Geedo called to us. “Boys, remember, the full moon is tonight. Make sure you’re both away from each other so you don’t hurt each other.”

“Yes, Geedo,” me and Scado answered as we left.

“I need some sleep, Scado”

“Ok, Lethero. I’ll meet you at the shack later and wake you when night comes close.”

I walked through the village to mine and Scado’s shack. It wasn’t much but it was enough for me and Scado. It was only one room with noting inside except claw marks from when we were pups living with Nicarga. I laid down on the rugs we used for beds, curled up, and fell into an unrestful sleep.

I woke up with a start to yelling and gunshots. Scado burst through the door. “Lethero, quick get up! The humans are attacking!”

“What...why would they attack an entire Werewolf village and how did they find us in the first place?”

“I. . .uh,” Scado started, “I kind of went into their village and they must have followed me here.”

“Scado you damn fool why did you do that!”

“I was hungry and wanted some food. Can you shut up now though or they’ll here us.”

He covered my mouth with his hand before I could protest. When he covered I smelled a familiar scent on his hand; human blood.

I yanked away his hand and yelled, “You killed some of them didn’t you?”

“Yes, but only because they were attacking me. I didn’t see anyone follow me back so I thought I was okay.”

And suddenly the door to the shack busted down by one human foot. “Ah, I found the Werewolf that caused us the troubles back home.” He raised the rifle at me first. As he pulled the trigger Scado jumped in front of me and the bullet entered his chest and into his heart.

Before the human could get another shot off I jumped at him and ripped out his throat. I left him to bleed to death as I walked over to Scado.

Upon reaching him I knew he was already gone. I fell to my knees before him. “Scado,” I wept, “you damn bastard, why did you leave me! You, mother, now I’m the last one, how long will it be before I’m ki...” I cut off as I heard the sounds of howls by Lycans. My head snapped towards the nearest window and saw what I feared most; a full moon.

As the moonlight hit me I felt the pains of change, and then, suddenly, I blacked out.

Chapter 2

“Lethero,” called a distant voice, “Lethero, wake up,” I felt cool water flow across my face, “Wake up you damn fool” I felt a sharp pain on the side of my face and let out a moan.

I opened my eyes and saw Geedo looking at me. “Geedo,” I moaned, “you don’t have to be so rough.” My head rolled to the side and I saw Scado’s cold, lifeless body. Tears welled up in my eyes and those eventually turned to sobs and then I crying freely.

“It’s ok child,” Geedo comforted, “he died quick. He didn’t fell a lot of pain as he went. Now come to my place and lay down, I’ll take care of Scado.”

My legs didn’t work, but Geedo, as old as he was, half-carried, half-dragged me through the village and into his house. My mind was oblivious to the things that were happening around me, my mind was still on Scado all the good times me, him, and Nicarga had together as a family.

When we were pups Nicarga always made certain we had something to eat, even if it meant starving herself. Me and Scado never went hungry, but Nicarga was always deathly skinny and her Lycan fur was falling off patch by patch.

I was brought back to reality by a quick shake. “Lethero,” said Geedo, “come on, we need to go to the town meeting to see if anyone knows why the humans attacked.”

He pulled me up into sitting position, but before he could pull me to my feet, I whispered, “It was Scado.”

“What was that, m’boy.”

“Scado was the reason for the human attack.”

“Scado, how could he of done that. I know he’s not that stupid.”

“He,” I took a deep breath, “killed some humans in a village and the other villagers followed him here. Then they...” I couldn’t finish the last part. Why did he save me, I know I would’ve done the same for him but that was only because I was his older brother, I had to protect him. I failed my younger brother.

“If it makes the pain less, I’ll go tell the village why the humans attacked.”

“Yes, please. You been good to me and Scado since my mother died, Geedo.”

“Well, I couldn’t let you and Scado run wild or this would’ve happened sooner.” He stood up and started walking to the door, but before exited he stopped and without turning around he said, “When I come back I want you to be ready because I need to take you to the elders. Don’t ask any questions just be ready,” and then he stepped out the door without another word.

If you made through this thank-you. I know it's long, but it's better I post it than not.

Well I apologize that I am unable to offer a more thorough critique. You see I'm going on vaca, and I'm supposed to be packing, like now, lol! I couldn't help myself to scan the literary section, and I spotted your story. Since werewolves have been my favorite fantasy creature since I was a young kid, I had to take a peaky.

It's rough still, mainly because I feel that it's the classic, and cliche version I've read or seen on TV quite frequently. There are three things I was very unsatisfied in reading, and it was a bit disappointing that someone has not tackled a "new" breed of werewolves - aka something original.

Disliked:

1)

After I was sure they were gone I picked myself up, climbed up a tree, and laid down on a thick branch. I made sure that no other human was going to walk this way, I fell asleep.

Really now, you honestly don't think a big, ol' werewolf won't be seen hanging up in a tree, snoring away, especially when their are hunters out for its hide? Second, to me, werewolves are still considered canines; they are part wolf, and wolves do not climb. So that whole scene seemed quite absurd to me.

2)

I walk up with a start as I felt the familiar pains of bones and muscles changing and moving as I quickly turned to my human form. I fell out of the tree and onto the ground as I felt the pains recede.

Well... Everything about the quote is not ... pleasing to the eye, nor "fun" to read. Come on! You're working with a werewolf, and one of the most fantasic things about them IS the transformation. To me, your version of a werewolve's transformation was forced and rushed. Try and take your time with it, and really think how you would feel if you were to undergo such an ordeal. As where the quote stands, it's very bland, and unappealing. There are other areas like this too where scenes were just dull. Unfortunately, as I said, I don't have much time, and once again, I'm very sorry.

3)

Once I was in my Lycan form I bolted into the nearby woods and hid in a tree till they found me. And now here I am walking back to my village naked and hungry.

Forgot about this one. Anyway, I was really confused because the moon suddenly poofed out of mid air, and the angry mob just felt it would be delightful in pulling out their chairs and drink cokes while the big, nasty werewolf goes through his transformation, which realistically would take a good amount of time. So, my point is, do you really think an angry mob of people would actually let the werewolf transform FIRST then let it run free along its merrily little way?

I think not.

I suggest a bit more planning is in involved. Most of what I read seemed forced or lacked description, which is a loss for the reader. We really want to be involved, and be a part of your character's lives, not stranded in a desert.

I wish I could say more, but I really must go. Best wishes! Cheers!

Woot! You reposted it!
Yeah, the detail is way better now!
~PN

Dija rewrite it? I'm just concidering reading it or not seeing as how there's nothing else to do. lol. Tell me if you post anything past where I left off.

Greetings, my friend! Well, because I'm a bit bored, I thought I would read your story, and I loved it! However, I did notice some mistakes, and take to consideration what Fishr said about the werewolves--some good points there, unless your putting in a few twists and turns in your own fantasy. I thought of the latter, and I think it's awesome.

I kept on hiding up on a sturdy branch. Trying not make a sound and not making any leaves fall, but my paw slipped.

Try to make this all one sentence. It's very...choppy I guess. You can easily combine them. A sentence needs a subject and a verb, but the second sentence doesn't have a subject as far as I know. Also, your first sentence here could use some work. Try "I remained on my sturdy branch in hiding..." or somethin'. Mine's not exactly the best, but it's something to think about.

I made sure that no other human was going to walk this way, I fell asleep.

How about "and then I fell asleep"

We neared the center of the village we saw a small group of naked Lycans outside a building: Geedo’s clothing building

"We neared the center of the village and" maybe?

He reached behind the his counter and pulled out some clothing

Choose one.

My head snapped towards the nearest window and saw what I feared most; a full moon.

Didn't they already have a full moon the night before? This may be another twist in your fantasy world here, but thought I would just bring that up. There's only one full moon a month, I do believe.

Now come to my place and lay down, I’ll take care of Scado

Believe it or not, instead of that comma in the middle, you could use our scary friend--the semi-colon! *gasp* I know...or a hyphon, whichever you prefer.

“What was that, m’boy.

A question, I do believe.

Scado, how could he of done that.

A question mark could be used here as well.

I really liked this story, Ash. Werewolves have always been looked at as enemies, but here is a different perspective on things. I enjoyed it much and look forward to some more goodies! I hope my review helped somewhat, if not perfectly helpful.

*Jabber*

Geedo was gone for hours, but I hardly noticed: the image of Scado dying played in my over and over. When Geedo went to pick me up, I fell to my knees and threw-up bile. “Get up boy, the elders wish to talk to you.” He pulled me to my feet. “Now come on this is important.”

“What is that they want?” I asked weakly.

“I’m not the one to tell you. Only they can tell you this.” He pulled me towards the door, but I pulled away from him.

“I want to know why I have to go. Why is that they want to tell me now after my brothers death that they could’ve told me a long time ago,” I demanded, my voice gaining strength.

“I don’t know all the details, but all I know my it’s about your family lineage.”

“My mother is Nicarga and her father was Sicdo, what else is there to know.”

“It’s more than that, now please be reasonable, boy, come with me and you can ask the elders.” I fell silent and let him pull me out the door towards the center of the town.

I felt every eye on me, people seemed to know something about me that I didn’t. Why would people be so silent if they knew something about me. Then to my shock someone got down to one knee and moved back their hair showing the back of their neck: the sign of submission. Then everyone else followed; I must be important in some way.

“Lethero, look up at me,” commanded a voice above me. I looked up and saw the pale face of one of the elders. “You can leave him, Geedo, thank you.” I heard the sounds of boots scrapping rocks slowly leave.

“Everyone is showing me submission, why?”

“You are more greater than you think, Lethero. Me and the other elders will tell you why. Now come.”

I stood up on shaking knees. The elder turned around and walked into the ruins of a mansion, I followed close behind. I never entered the mansion before, but from the outside it looked like it used to be elegant, and on the inside confirmed my beliefs. Tapestries hung down over stain-glass windows, a crystal chandelier hung down from the roof, and a marble staircase that lead to other parts of the mansion.

Sitting in the middle of the antechamber was a long desk, which sat five Lycans. The elder that met me outside sat down along with the others. “Come here, Lethero,” one of them said. I took one step forward but fell to my knees. “Good enough.”

“Why am I here?” I demanded.

“Going for the obvious question.” said an elder with Greying hair. “You know why you are here, I know you demanded Geedo to tell you; you are here to learn of your family lineage.”
“If it is so damn important why didn’t Nicarga tell me before she died?”

“We asked her not to. I’ll get down to the point; you are from the line of Sako.”

“No, I can’t be.”

“You are the leader of the Blood Paw Pack, this village. Your mother was always the leader of the pack, but we had no problems that she had to take care of. But we realized after the human attack that we need a leader.”

“But couldn’t they...”

“Yes, they could change at will. You can to, you just never tried before. Risko, give them to him.”

The elder named Risko, came up carrying a bundle of items. “Here,” Risko said, “they’re yours.” I took the items. When I looked it was pitch black leather armor. On the back of the torso piece was sheath containing a scimitar.

“But I couldn’t wear this in my Lycan form.”

“Yes you can, it changes shapes as you do. Now do you accept leadership.”

“Yes,” came my quick answer.

Ooh, I like it! Sorry I haven't critiqued this yet, but here I am! I shall critique!

Anyway...

“Now come on this is important.”

A comma after "on"

“What is that they want?” I asked weakly.

I know ,I'm real picky. Don't worry, I won't repeat, but here: put "it" after "is".

Why is that they want to tell me now after my brothers death that they could’ve told me a long time ago,” I demanded, my voice gaining strength.

Um...read this to yourself and do something about it (not to be rude, but just to put it straight out). It doesn't flow very well and it's a bit confusing.

“I don’t know all the details, but all I know my it’s about your family lineage

Sorry, being picky again, but this sentence is a bit confusing too (grammar-wise, of course).

I heard the sounds of boots scrapping rocks slowly leave

It's not the spelling that I'm picking at here, but maybe a little rewording could work. Try, maybe, this: "I heard the sounds of Geedo's boots fade away behind me, scraping across the rocky ground." It's not perfect, but it's an idea. The quote's a bit...choppy at the end.

“Yes you can, it changes shapes as you do. Now do you accept leadership.”

Second sentence is a question

Overall, I loved it. I can't wait for more! You got such an imagination! I admire your work. The mistakes I pointed out may just be from typing fast, and I'll admit I'm really bad at that! I type ridiculously messy and fast; the back space's my friend!

Anyway, you got a good story going on, don't give up! I'll be sure to keep up better. Sorry for the late critique and I hoped it help! Keep writing!

Jabber

I have to say, reading this story has encouraged me to eventually accept , and take a deep breath because I will soon take on the genre Fantasy for the first time. And my first story, er, novel, will be on my version of the famed werewolf. So, thank you.

*

I could do grammar and spelling editing for you, but it seems someone has accepted that task already. However, from the reader's point of view, I'm not completely sold on this story yet. This means if I were to pick this book (if it is a novel), and started from the beginning, I most certainly would NOT have finished. Possibly, three to four pages I might have read, and that's it. From an editor's point of view, this story is sorely lacking in description, a setting, and to be honest, I'm getting lost in this world you've created. It's like you, the writer, have this world completely mapped, and somehow you expect the reader to know everything. Not so, because as I mentioned in my previous post, the story is being rushed.

Description: By description, I do not mean clothing, hair color or the texture of bark growing on a tree, three miles away. I want concrete insight into this world. For instance, Blood Paw Pack? Nice hit, because that only confused me more. It poofed and hit the reader out of no where. If this Pack is so important, why was it never mentioned earlier in the first installment? Obviously, Lethero is aware of it, so it should have been addressed in some form early on.

A piece of advice: No detail is ever mentioned, without a purpose. A small reference may be said, but that same reference should become stronger, vibrant, clearer as chapters progress. Also, remember, first chapters are VERY, very crucial. It's called, "Setting the stage," as I think of it. This means, treat your characters as if they were preforming upon a stage, in front of you - the audience. They, the characters, must work hard to earn your interest. In this case, the reader is the audience or else, they will snooze. Now, in the first chapter, the Stage is Set - and your reader is reading the first few paragraphs curiously to see if this story is decent. This your only chance to hook em'. So, again, if this Blood Paw Pack was crucial it should have been mentioned in some form in the first chapter. Perhaps, Geedo could suggest a detail about the group, and thus, gaining Lethero's interest and maybe his brother, who obviously has no restraint to authority.

Setting: OK, where in the blazes are we? I'm assuming in a forest but exactly how close to these Lycans live near human villages? And exactly what time frame are we in? (Don't tell me though, Show me). Use descriptions to suggest the future, the past or what have you. If we're in the past, you could tell us, a horse-drawn carriage was pulling cargo upon a weathered, dirt road or clothing is a wonderful example. I'm a self-taught 18th century history buff, so I know exactly the clothing style for the period, such as breeches, tricorn (cocked) hats, cravats, waistcoats, etc. If you wanted to keep it simple, you could suggest a Lycan spotted someone wearing breeches, while he was overlooking them from a field. Just remember, men wore breeches, lol! I've had people think women could wear breeches too - not so, LOL! They'd be sent to the "Nut House," in a heartbeat!

Story is rushed: It is. There is absolutely no arguing with me with this statement. Take your time, and carefully select opportune moments to incorporate important details within the story, without info dumping or in other words, mentioning things for the sake of mentioning things, such as that Blood Paw Pack, and Lethero's power.

Fantasy is one of those genres that require huge amounts of preparation, which is probably why I've skipped over it, and went straight to historical fiction - LOL! I can also assume that you probably haven't read as many books as you should. My assumption is based upon your word usage (vocabulary), and the method of presenting information to the reader. Read books! Lots of them! They are an invaluable source that WILL prepare any writer. Why? Because you will be subjected to all forms of writing styles, new vocab words, how characters act, etc. It's quite awesome actually.

And, one final nit-pick which corresponds to "your elders." They don't seem elderly at all. Why, in fact, I could see Risko skipping about as if he was a child himself. Now, why would I assume such things? Hmm? Description, or lack-of. Show me that they are old farts. Perhaps one is wheezing or their bones are visibly penetrating through shabby, graying fur (or skin). And the dialogue, frankly, at best, is bland when speaking about these elders. They sound precisely as Lethero, which means there is zilch originality. Make your elders stand out, like you have done with Geedo. Maybe they have an extreme vocabulary or, they have that certain arrogance about them. After all, the are old, are they not? So, I would assume these elders "street smart."

All in all, I strongly suggest that more time in planning should be put forth, tenfold. In retrospect, I like Geedo.

Cheers!

Okays! Hello Ash!
I have come to crit!...but there's no point in repeating what others have said on the grammar stuff (i don't really like criting that). But the story is great; I like how it jumps into the action. Lovely detail! But like the comment up there, the story is kinda being rushed...
I think too many overwhelming things happened at one time. I think you should have spaced those out.
Anyways! I'll be looking for more!
PM me with the next part!
~Timea

Yes, I am quite enjoying myself. It may not seem so, *chuckles* with my brash reviews but I would not have gone to the lengths and spent hours looking over your piece before editing if I had completely hated it. On the contrary, it's a very interesting story, but rest assured that will not hinder this editor, pushing you every step of the way in improving.

More?