Fire Alight

October Thirteenth

Once, there were only animals and men. The deer roamed without fear and birds sang loud. Men only used horses and regular beasts of burden. Then, Kyla came. Our village was peaceful and in the mountains. Rice fields grew high up on peaks and our village lay in the valley below. The wandering woman Kyla came with excitement in her eyes. She held a reed basket, claiming she held the future. The elders scoffed at her and went back to work.

However frightened or disappointed the elders were, we children stayed. Our eyes were glued to the gold glowing basket. Kyla told us tale about the Okianimals. The Okianimals were larger, stronger, faster versions of the wildlife we had. Wolves as big as horses, horses as big as houses, bluebirds as big as hawks. We begged her and begged her to open the basket, but she just smiled and said,

"Curiosity killed the cat."

I glared at her and saying, "And satisfaction brought her back."

Kyla smiled at me. Being six I was cute, big brown doe eyes usually worked in puppy faces. She leaned down and beckoned me, my brother, Boreas, and a few others in our village to come nearer.

"Only for you." She said and opened the basket a crack.

I immediately saw flashes of meaningless light dance before me. My eyes saw everything in a brown tint. I blinked a couple of times and my eyesight tinted gold. The light flashes became clear to my eyes. Little white animals with gold light behind them appeared and walked around. I was in space, so it seemed. The animals were the only light and the rest, I'm sure, was black. Boreas held my hand as we looked around, seeing the animals and the others.

Suddenly, it was over. The world seemed to collapse into itself and we were back in the village. We all looked around in amazement. Our normal colored eyes had turned abnormally colored and metallic. My eyes, Boreas told me, were a light pink, his, an orange as fierce as the sunset. We all looked to Kyla. She was smiling, "I'm going to show this to the world." she told us. The next day she was gone. Later on we found we could do things. I could swim faster and hold my breath for a longer time and Boreas could jump higher. Some of the others could see farther, hear differently than we did, do small things. Mostly the experience enhanced our senses slightly. Soon after, tattoos appeared on our bodies. Our parents, furious we had them at such an early age, tried to get them off. It never worked, of course. Sometimes our eyes changed color but kept equally metallic; our tattoos changed to the color along with them. We figured that our eyes were somehow linked to our tattoos but it's just a guess.

November Twenty third

Years ago I wrote about an evil woman who wanted to change to world with her animals. It seems to have happened. Boreas is dead. An Okianimal killed him. What we call an Okiwolf. The town is in ruins and I am alone.

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I closed my great-great grandmothers journal. This is what its come to, I thought. A war against the Okianimals and Kyla.

I tucked the leather book into my kimono and brushed my short hair
"Paw! It's time to go, get a move on!"

I sighed and stood. Taking one last look in the mirror I rushed to the side of the stage. My friend Alana grinned at me and snapped her fan open in front of my face, "Our audience awaits." she said in a mock rich voice.

I smiled. "What ever you say."

It was perfectly alright the first time.

All you needed to do was to edit your first prologue. See the "Edit" button at the top of the post? Just use that, and don't post basically the same thing with just a few changed names twice. Is the title and all Japanese? Cool!

My first thought is this: since this apparently takes place in Japan, why don't the characters have Japanese names? Beware of fangirl Japanese. It is a very dangerous thing. Why can't the title be in English? (Good luck convincing someone to read something with a Romaji title; there's no way to tell what it's about.)

I also want to point out that funky colored eyes often end badly. They're a common fantasy cliché, but they can be done well. Try to make sure your characters don't get "mood ring" eyes, or anything, because it could ruin an otherwise interesting concept.

One last thought: are those animals (and expressions) native to Japan? I don't know, but if the story is going to be in Japan (as I'm guessing from your title and the kimono reference), make sure you know enough about it to make it convincing.

I'm curious to see where this goes. I skimmed the last version, and this one's an improvement.

This doesn't really take place in Japan. It's sort of an alternate time line Earth. Have you ever seen Hayao Miyazaki films? They are sorta of what I'm doing. They are way back in the beginning of the Industrial Ages yet they have these planes and blimps. It's not exactly Japan but they are a little bit like a mix of it and Middle Ages.

The different colored eyes and tattoos are a side affect of being around the Okianimals which are kinda like genetically altered animals. They don't change color, I hate color changing eyes, it just doesn't make sense to me for some reason.

If it isn't really Japan, I wouldn't use Japanese in the title. The kimono you can probably get away with, but ... yeah.

Leyleun wrote:Sometimes our eyes changed color but kept equally metallic; our tattoos did along with them.

Why do they change here? (Also how to tattoos change color?)

Finally, what does the title translate to? (& what does "oki" in "Okianimals" mean?)

For the Okianimals, oki means large. I think I will change the title, it means These specific winds, caused by war.

This didn't seem all that different from the last but then I suppose my memory of the first one has begun to fade.

I thought it was amazing!! It was a bit bumpy here and there though.

*le gasp*

I think I found what I was looking for! I used to read Errant's story "Fifteen Eternal Candles," but ever since he stopped posting that I've been looking around for a new story to read.

This was very good by the way! I couldn't find any grammer errors and this was my favorite part:

"Curiosity killed the cat."

I glared at her and saying, "And satisfaction brought her back."

I just thought it was funny...

you know Lupe...even though this is from one of the people closest to you, who would obviously like this since we all love you, but i think this is really good and you should continue on with the story, and maybe let me read it sometime during school...