Intrigue: The First

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Polly pulled the window curtains aside ever so slightly. Through the window of the next house, she could see Mrs. Durmont sipping tea with some friends. Some community meeting, no doubt. Mrs. Durmont was the President of the town committee, so she organized all the nonsense that went on in the neighborhood. Any dunce could pull it off, and Polly was sure that she could do the job just as well. Of course, Polly never ran for community president, for she had more important things to do.

Loud snoring. Jonas was no doubt still fast asleep in the next room. Polly sat down at her kitchen table with a huff. That man was always tired from work, and always went straight to bed when he came home. A ghost of a husband, thought Polly. When was the last time they had gone to the movie show? Never, in Polly's mind.

A ring of the doorbell. Polly got up from her wooden chair and made her way over to the front door. The mail had just been dropped through the slot. Polly raised an eyebrow. Besides the usual bills and invitations to formal affairs, their was a slim brown package piled on top of them all. It was tied with a thin red ribbon that twinkled in the dim kitchen lamp-light.

Polly picked up the brown package and left the other envelopes for Jonas to deal with later. She set it down on the table, and heard a muffled tap as whatever was inside made contact with the wooden table. A bit of excitement in her movements, she undid the ribbon and started to peel away at the paper exterior. As the wrapping fell away, Polly gasped. Inside was the most beautiful piece of silk, its color a deep, alluring red. Like blood.

Polly smoothed a hand over the gorgeous silk. It was so wonderfully soft. Then her fingers met the hard surface of the object wrapped inside. She pulled the silk off with a slight flourish, beaming. If the silk was so exquisite, what sort of treasure could be inside it?

It wasn't what Polly would have expected. Lying on the table was a rather large dagger. It shone beautifully and had a shallow engraving near the point:

M.I.

Polly took the elegant knife in her hand. It was so very light. She noticed a small piece of paper dangling from its handle. It was tied in some more of the sparkling ribbon.

Polly parted the piece of folded paper with her fingers. Written in neat cursive was a single message:

You know what to do.

Polly read the message over and over again. What could it mean? Polly couldn't fathom who had sent this knife to her. It didn't make sense.

Jonas' snoring grew louder. Polly looked up, the knife still held in her hand. That Jonas, why was he always avoiding her? More and more often he was coming home late at night, even on the weekends. Polly couldn't imagine a simple bank teller having this much work load.

The grandfather clocked ticked away from the living room, and its sound seemed to fill the entire house. Polly gripped the dagger tighter. What if Jonas was seeing another woman? Yes, that had to be it. That bastard was seeing another woman!

Polly quickly stood up, and the chair screeched as it was forcibly slid on the hard wood floor. Beads of sweat started to form at Polly's brow. After all these years together that man decided to cheat on her. Polly would not let him use her that easily.

Silently, she walked to the bedroom door, shifting the dagger awkwardly in her hand. He was still deep asleep, probably dreaming of that slut.

Polly violently forced open the door and stormed in. Jonas was roused from his sleep, and he shifted in his bed, starting to stretch his arms. Polly ran over to him, the dagger held high. A silent rush swept through her body.

"Darling, whatever are you doing with that knife?" yawned Jonas, sitting up in the bed. Polly ignored him.

A scream, followed by a flurry of bloodstained sheets kicked up into the air. They hung like clouds, and then finally settled onto a still body.

Jonas ceased to snore that night.
Last edited by Black Ghost on Thu Jun 14, 2007 1:28 am, edited 5 times in total.




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Ooo! Ahh! Most interesting. This part wasn't quite as gripping as the first one, but was still very good. I don't see how the 1rst chapter fits with the prologue, but I'm sure it will all make sense by the end.

Now, suggestions...

1. If you call her Polly when her name is M. I. Polly, then it would make more sense to call her by her first name (whatever M. stands for).

2. I got to the end of this section and WAHHHH! (*cough* excuse me, let me explain) Why did she kill Jonas? It is just so sudden, and I get that she is discontent and even if she's very angry...it's just too sudden. I'd say the best way to fix this would be to make it flow more. Less sudden. Add more explanation of why she is angry (maybe a motive too, like he makes tons of money and she gets none of it) and maybe add some dialog between them that would help explain her anger. Also you should probably explain things more as you go on with the story. The key is too not let off too much information at the start of the story, but also not to make things too abrupt, sudden, or confusing (you want to leave the reader in suspense. If you give too much info. it's boring; if you don't give enough info. than the reader gets frusterated and confused, not a good thing. Balance is the key).

Sorry, I know I talk too much :P!
Over all it was really good and PM me when there's more!

-The green one
the greenjay strikes again...




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Oh, thanks for the comments, and her name isn't M.I Polly :lol: . It was my fault for not making it clear that M.I was the engraving, so I fixed it. And I think you're right about it being too short, and I'll probably lengthen it.

Thanks again,
Tony

EDIT: I've made it longer, I hope it's an improvement.




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Ahh! You scared me on that one. Much better, good job!

PS: I'd cut the swearing if I were you, but that's just me.
the greenjay strikes again...




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'Lo Magic. ^_^

I rather like the straight third-person narrative, limited crisply to Polly. It gives the atmosphere a deceptively comfortable commonplace nature,

But in keeping near to Polly, you've begun filtering quite a lot.

Any dunce could pull it off, and Polly was sure that she could do the job just as well.


That man was always tired from work, and always went straight to bed when he came home. A ghost of a husband, thought Polly. When was the last time they had gone to the movie show? Never, in Polly's mind.


...Just a few places. Watch it. On its own and consciously inserted, it'll put a nice colloquial breath in the pace. Scattered all over, or added as afterthought, it'll be rough going for the reader and needlessly repetitious.

It ought to be more an exception than a rule. Unless Polly is speaking - her thoughts or her voice, where she might refer to herself quite often and naturally.

On the same point, you tend to use Polly - as a proper noun - all over the place. Pronoun, maybe?

Here, for example:
Polly quickly stood up, and the chair screeched as it was forcibly slid on the hard wood floor. Beads of sweat started to form at Polly's brow. After all these years together that man decided to cheat on her. Polly would not let him use her that easily.



Plot-Wise --


Pleasant - or at least domestically drab - Polly. A bit bitter. A little annoyed; and rather perplexed by a package. Then --

The grandfather clocked ticked away from the living room, and its sound seemed to fill the entire house. Polly gripped the dagger tighter. What if Jonas was seeing another woman? Yes, that had to be it. That bastard was seeing another woman!


Polly is either dead silly or looking dead-seriously for a reason to knife her husband. She jumps helter-skelter for the explanation that he's seeing another woman; and then she decides to murder him.

Not only that, she decides to go at him with a knife.

From the impression you've given us, she's not a hard or jaded woman; and not a terribly driven or ambitious woman; and she only seems vaguely bitter about a blase husband.

If she's entirely silly, she's not going to be read to murder what's-his-name in cold blood. It's rather more than hard to stick a knife in someone, psychologically and phsyilogically, yes?

If she's been dead set on murder - or ready for a reason to kill - up to this point, you haven't really presented her that, not even in hints. So far, I'm afraid she looks more like the girl who botches the murder and gets blamed for two others because she's caught on the first that she didn't manage to do.


I think, either Polly's got to change. Or the plot-so-far has.


Finis --


"Darling, whatever are you doing with that knife?" yawned Jonas, sitting up in the bed. Polly ignored him.

A scream, followed by a flurry of bloodstained sheets kicked up into the air. They hung like clouds, and then finally settled onto a still body.

Jonas ceased to snore that night.



Jonas ceased to snore -- 'tis apt. Perfect in the sense of the genre; says all without saying too much.

What precedes it sounds rather over-the-top; zombie film and all that.

The image of sheets like clouds is delicate. Bloodstained, no. Deadened impression by that; and we've still got the problem of a woman who doesn't seem much set on anything setting suddenly on murder. And she kills a man - bigger, stronger than she - who has woken before she gets to him?

That's bloody good luck if she's does get him killed before he gets her off of him.

--


I've got to run. ^_^ There's a lot to like, Magic; but a lot rather hard to fit if this is to be rational detective fiction. ^_^





IMP
ex umbris et imaginibus in veritatem

"There is adventure in simply being among those we love, and among the things we love -- and beauty, too."
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Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.
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