Moon Magic.. Chapter Two:Visitor..

Alberic woke with a start. He had just had a horrible dream. He shuddered just remembering it.

He had been trotting with Moon Streak on field. He had been leading an army that consisted of creatures who breathed flame, dwarfs who could shape-shift at a moment’s notice and other such monstrosities.

He shuddered again, and then placed the dream behind him with a deep breath. Alberic played the sharp note to destroy the hut, however the frown on his face portrayed his thoughts. This always hurt him, destroying life, but he knew if he did not make them start over that they would be weak and note able to cope in the winter. Moon Streak and him walked to the river to get mornings drink, and then he jumped on his mount and they trotted off, looking back at the spot he had spent the night at.

While they were riding he practiced how he was going to tell the queen the news. He kept picturing in his mind that he would tell her the frazzles were coming, and she would laugh at him. Most elves thought that the frenzies would never harm them. Well he would just half to let her scan his mind for the second time. He started sweating at just the thought.

Mind scanning was the most embarrassing thing for an elf to undergo. During a mind scan, your mind walls come down, and it almost feels like you are naked because every elf within a 15-foot radius can see everything that had ever happened to you.
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still not doen, bit I did fixt the small erros and a few mistakes.

Hello!

DragonWriter wrote:He had been trooting with Moon Streak on feild. However, he had been leading an army of an elfs worst night mare. There were creatures who breathed flame, dwarfs who could shape-shift at a moments notice and other such montrosities.

Trooting: Do you mean trotting or trooping?
Feild: Field (i before e, except after c or when sounding like weigh)
However, he: However, he (spacing)
Elfs: elves (Add an "es" to words ending in F or X)
Night Mare: Nightmare
Dwarfs: Dwarves (Yes, that's what the dictionary says)
Montrosities: monstrosities (You forgot the first S)

You wrote:This always hurt him , destroying life

Spacing!

You wrote:he would tell her trhe ferazzies were coming and she would laugh at him. Most elves thought that the ferazies would never harm them in a million years, because they thought that the ferazzies knoew better to attack an elf with magical powers, and instead of jusat one they will face meny . Well he would just half to let her scan his mind for the 2end time.

Mind scanning was the most embarissing thing for an elf to undergo. Durring a mind scan, Your mind walls come down , and it almost feels like you are naked because every elve within a 15 foot radius can see everything that had ever happned to you.
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I am not done with this chapter yet, i will write more tonight, or maybe tomorow. If there are spelling errors, i will fix them later, right now i am posting all me work so that i can get the criteria critiqued , not my spelling.[/i]

Trhe: the
Ferazzies or Ferazies: You spelled it both ways
Knoew: Know
Jusat: Just
Meny: Many
Spacing!
Half: Have
2end: second (write out numbers below 10 unless giving and adress or phone number)
Embarissing: Embarrassing
Durring: During
Elve: Elf
Happned: Happened
i: I (you did this a bunch)
tomorow: tomorrow
Spacing and my personal opinion on your note: spelling & grammar are the most important tools for a writer (besides something to write with, of course). If your reader has to stop every other word and decipher it, you'll lose reader...fast!

Most computers offer it for typing documents. If it doesn't self-check, you'll have to run it, but it doesn't take long. You can also use on-line spell checkers. Clau mentioned this #2 in the "Before You Post Checklist" (it's a sticky thread).

McMourning's caught the majority of spelling-blah, so now for something completely different.

1. While it's understandable that you would put dreams in italics, people only use italics when it's in first person. This is a personal nitpick, because it just looks weird otherwise.

2. You didn't run this through the spellchecker. As McMourning said, there are plenty of online spellcheckers and Firefox has one built in.

A lot of people, when they see an unspellchecked work, get the impression that the work is crap and you don't care because you don't want to beautify it. (see previous reviews)
As much as it kills me to say it, a lot of the time, it takes the outside to get people to read, not the inside story.

Yes, I'm going to stay on your back about it until you spellcheck before posting!

When your story is clean, THEN the butterflies will come. (I'm just the Grammar Bee...roflofl!)

3. Join the "Nuances of Natural Dialogue" group that's forming.

4. Get a good look at some of the bigger stories around here....just to observe the different styles and ideas.


And that's all I can say, based on such a small amount of text. Oh, yes, it's incredibly cliched. Worse than Eragon.

~Sumi

Hello there, DragonWriter. ^_^

The pace was much better in this; it did not seem as rushed in regards to pace, and your introspection into Alberic boosted your characterization - good improvement in those areas.

A lot of people, when they see an unspellchecked work, get the impression that the work is crap and you don't care because you don't want to beautify it.

Much as I know you don't want to hear this, she is right.

Because this is so short, you get the privilege of me going paragraph by paragraph and giving you suggestions.

Alberic woke with a start. He had just had a horrible dream. He shuddred just rembering it.

Good start, but I would like to see more of the physical effects of this on him. Is he sweating? Gasping? Trying to be calm? Also, this tool is used very often in writing, so if you added more detail, it would make it less cliche, which would help your story out a lot.

He had been trooting with Moon Streak on a/the feild. However, he had been leading an army of an elfs worst night mare. There were creatures who breathed flame, dwarfs who could shape-shift at a moments notice and other such montrosities.

The part in red is strange. The word 'however' negates all that comes before it, so it seems you are saying he was trotting with Moon Streak, but he was ACTUALLY leading an army of elves. That may be what you want, but it still soundedweird. And if he is an elf why is he leading a army which is an elf's worst nightmare? Or is he leading them against one of these nightmare armies. The idea of 'worst nightmare' is terribly cliche, so I suggest just cutting that part as you are more specific in the next line.

All right, so this chapter seems to be indirectly from Alberic's POV as he is relaying all this information, but the thing with using an indirect third person POV is that the character's emotions are directly involved in the narration thought it is still technically from a third person view. Thus, we need to know more of Alberic's reactions, because he seems very personality-less right now. Even just his simple body language reactions (wincing, grimacing etc.) would make it more realistic.

He shuddered again, and then placed the dream behind him. Alberic played the sharp note to destroy the hut. This always hurt him , destroying life, but he knew if he did not make them start over that they would be weak and note able to cope in the winter. Moon Streak and him walked to the river to get a mornings drink, and then he jumped on his mount and they trotted off.

He just... placed it behind him? He saw a nightmarish army coming to destroy and he just placed it behind him? That does not seem realistic, especially with no specific things he does to place it behind him. What does he do to achieve this feat? Think about something else? Take a deep breath? Bash his head against a tree? Specifics!

After that, you tell us that Alberic hates destroying life, but I would like to see more showing in this case. What does he do to point the idea that he hates destroying the hut? Does he burst into tears? Does he stare at it with teary eyes? Frown? We don't know Alberic well yet, but these are wonderful tools for characterization that you are just passing by.

And if he cares so much about this hut, why does he just 'jump on his mount' and ride off without a second glance back?

While they were riding he practised how he was going to tell the queen the news. He kept picturing in his mind that he would tell her trhe ferazzies were coming and she would laugh at him. Most elves thought that the ferazies would never harm them in a million years, because they thought that the ferazzies knoew better to attack an elf with magical powers, and instead of jusat one they will face meny . Well he would just half to let her scan his mind for the 2end time.

Good introspection here. I think you went overboard telling us about the fairies; I think just saying that most elves don't think fairies can harm them is enough and that other details about why can be saved for when Alberic reaches the queen. In context with how you describe mind scanning in the next paragraph, I find it hard to believe that Alberic would speak of mind scanning so flippantly and without any body language to suggest he is nervous. It's like saying "Well, he would just have to have heart surgery." If mind scanning is such a big thing, you need to convey that in his reaction toward it.

Mind scanning was the most embarissing thing for an elf to undergo. Durring a mind scan, Your mind walls come down , and it almost feels like you are naked because every elve within a 15 foot radius can see everything that had ever happned to you.

More emotion from Alberic in this part; write in a way that conveys his fear or lack of fear for it. I don't like how you lapse into second person here; twould be much more effective if you stayed in third.

I also noticed there were times you went into present tense and I wasn't sure what you were thinking, so when you go back and edit this, watch for those things. It seems like McMourning has already picked out all the spelling errors.

As you have said that spelling is an issue for you, I would like to suggest an exercise for you. While it is good to have the thoughts flow and all and sometimes correcting spelling can jar that flow of words, it is essential that a writer learn to spell things correctly the first or second time. So, I would like to suggest that you write something (does not have to be part of this story) and instead of writing it just to get the story out, deliberately focus on the spelling and correct it as you go along. Using spell check helps others read it, but does it help you spell? It depends on the person. You don't have to do this exercise, but I would highly suggest it because spelling is an important skill to have. I don't know if you have written in-class essays before, but when you have to write something on the spot (like an essay for an AP test or other things like that), you have no spell check.

In all, this is an improvement style-wise from your other chapters, and I anticipate seeing you continue to improve.

Baroness Ink wrote:3. Join the "Nuances of Natural Dialogue" group that's forming.

Nice job here and keep on writing. I am sorry if I sound harsh, but you were asking for critiques deeper than simple spelling, so that's what I'm doing. PM me if you have any questions.

I'm glad to see your spelling has improved. I think your problem now is getting the words across well, but, as most of that sort of stuff has already been focused on, I'm going to talk about your originality - that is, the lack of it.

It's really beginning to irritate me that some of your plot concepts are completely cliche, or otherwise unoriginal. I'm guessing you're an Eragon fan. This is easy to tell. Firstly, the whole horse-elf bonding thing. Sure, it's not exactly the same as Eragon, in that it's a horse, not a dragon, and there is a specific ceremony that one has to go through to become bonded to the horse, but it's the same in essence.

The second thing is the whole mind-scan thing. This is all well and good, but you describe it in a strikingly similar way to Paolini.

My other gripe is your being specific when you shouldn't, ie. 'Durring a mind scan, Your mind walls come down , and it almost feels like you are naked because every elve within a 15 foot radius can see everything that had ever happned to you.' Too specific. Be vague when it comes to that sort of thing, it's not necessary.

All in all, you're improving slowly, and I'm pleased to see only a couple of spelling mistakes. We'll make a writer out of you yet!

-Kaz

Having just read part one, I was pleased to see part two had already been posted.

Okay. I really liked the bit about how he was practicing what he was going to say to the queen. You don't see a lot of this in fantasy when the hero is all noble and such. It's good; I might even recommend adding a little more. Does he rehearse his thoughts? What words does he plan to say? Does he think over all of the possible things he thinks the queen might say or do, and plan responses to them? You're giving your character ... character, and that's good. Keep it up.

I think Kaz was being a little harsh about the horse-dragon bond thing, because from the sound of it, other than the fact there is a bond, it doesn't seem any more like Eregon than any other humanoid-creature bond in any other fantasy. (I haven't read Eregon, I admit.)

I can't comment on the mind scan as a concept in relation to Paolini, but the word "scan" is another scene breaker. It somehow just doesn't seem to jive with the setting you've established.
Secondly, why would everyone be able to see his past? Why not just the queen? Does she initiate it by looking into him, or does he initiate it by opening it for her? These are things to keep in mind when you get to that scene.