Sea-Calls

I hear her from the shores,
Crying out to me from across the sea.
I fall motionless on summer sands,
Packed away in the blue bag beside my bed.

I squint.
The glare is strong,
Its intensity making my eyes pool.
Everything's a blur.

She screams, she yells.
I can't hear her.
Her voice travels over my head,
Burying me.

Ocean breezes swirl between us,
Cutting the connection.
I hear her no more,
No crying, weeping, bawling.

It's getting late,
And the air has lost its warmth.
So cold in.
So dark out.

I stand from the sand,
The tears dry against my cheeks.
I flick the light switch,
And shut the door behind me as I leave.

It's time for dinner.

....erm, this sounds stupid, but what is the point of this poem? **Oh, BTW, Welcome to the YWS!**

I fall motionless on summer sands,
Packed away in the blue bag beside my bed.

^ that doesn't make sense to me. Brownie point for repetition, though.

It's kind of drawn out and boring, and Nick was left going all, "um, whaaaaaaaat?", especially because YOU (aka Viewpoint Char) are crying for no apparent reason.

Stanza #2 is worth cutting....it doesn't work with the rest of the poem.

To me, it seems that you're using many empty words for a meaning that requires few. Perhaps you could condense it?

Anyway, that's just my opinion.

~Sumi

It's suppose to be a breakup scene. She's like forever away, the "ocean" and she's on the phone "breaking up" so he's "crying".

Glares make your eyes water.
Breaking up is like an intense glare, thus you cry.

The ocean "sand" in the blue bag is suppose to show it's a bean bag chair beside his bed. I was going for a 'read between the lines' approach on this poem, but I guess it didn't come out just right, did it?

Oh well. Darn, I'll work on it since I didn't get my point across.

Thanks for the crit though! Much appreciated.

Hi! I'm new too! When I first read this poem i took it somewhat literally and didn't really understand it, then I read what I was meant to "read between the lines" and liked it! Personally I think it was my inability to understand poetry than yours in making your point.

Anyways still I thought it was a good job!

I disagree with Baroness Ink, I thought this made perfect sense and it was very enjoyable. Even before you SAID that it's one of those poems that you read in between, I kinda figured that out.

That's the thing about reading poetry, if you don't understand it when you read it one way, reread in a DIFFERENT way to see if it makes sense, and that's what I did. It's not bland, and it causes you to think.

Very well done!!!

-Rosaleah

I like it! however, the "it's time for dinner" kinda broke the feeling. BUt other than that, I really liked it! I don't understand why people didn't get it; i got it just fine!

and WELCOME TO YWS!!!!!!!!!!!

*coughcough*

I'm another of those idiots who has no business in the poetry section. I found this well written, but confusing. Too ambiguous, but your style's good. Try something less "between the lines" and write something that doesn't have to be spelled out to me. That should be good - I think you've got a good thing for poetry here.

it was ok...but hey, i'm no genius either when it comes to poetry. i don't know, it was just a bit confusing to me. it seems that it should actually have a feeling, but i can't get it because i'm to confused to really focus on it.
your style is good though! keep it up ok?

---Lora

I, too, took it literally; I thought someone had drowned in the ocean, and the subject was remembering it...

Nice sand imagery with the burying and all.
In fact, nice job with ocean imagery in general. I got the part about the severing of ties, but I didn't get that it was about a breakup until I read your follow-up note. I also didn't get that he was talking to her on the phone; I thought it was all just figurative

Try to include more things that are characteristic of dating and breaking up (maybe something about him getting rid of things that remind him of her?) since as it is now, there isn't much to differentiate this as a breakup from it just being any idea of loss, whether it be a breakup, a death, sadness for the end of summer, etc.

In terms of this poem describing general loss, I liked it. But I know that's not what you originally meant, so good luck editing (as you've said above)! I'd like to read it when you've revised it.