Ragged

The girl was huddled into a ball. Perched on a branch among the heights of an old oak tree. The full moon of the day before was leering down on her. Time hadn't moved from where she was. Days had passed before the lunar cycle caught up with it's self. Then it had fallen behind again.

Pearly drops of water fell from the girls eyes and floated through the air. Gravity was meaningless, in places it existed, in places it did not. Nothing fell from an empty sky. The only things that could be seen were The Everlasting Moon, her people's symbol, and The Unfading Sun. Often the sun would be far away, across the sky. But the moon was always there; taunting her, of a world long gone.

The dark sky seemed to split below the moon and a trickle of darkness was let through. It burned around her head and her pointed ears, leaving no mark. It draped itself around the tree branch… waiting. For the moment when her consciousness slipped and it could strike and consume. Just like its mother had consumed the heart of her people. And just like its brothers had consumed the body… all except for her.

Steams of darkness swept from the sky, from the ring around the moon. They all fell to the splitting ground, their skin… burning away. The fairy ran through the chaos, noble and strong. A circlet twisted through long hair.

But now her hair was tangled and ragged. The circlet was gone. Her skirt torn and twisted, from what she had tried… and failed to do. The scars on her arms, her legs, her face; still reminded her of her failing. She swung her silver blade through the air and brought it crashing down on the darkness. It imploded in on itself and sent leaves and bark falling… hovering… falling again, as gravity decided its fate.

She ran a slender finger along the thickest scar; her father had inflicted that one. Driven mad as his flesh was ripped off the bone. Willing to injure anything that moved… even his only child.

“Papa! Papa!” she screamed as he writhed in agony “Papa get up! Live! You have to live!” The dying fairy snarled and grabbed her ankle, yanking her to the ground. He grabbed the knife from her side and raised it. A maddening fire reflected in his eyes. She screamed again and the metal hit it’s target and was dragged along her limb. A raging fire burned around them, scorching the ground yet leaving her untouched.

A breeze whispered to her as she uncurled herself from a crouched position and stood. Lithe and easily balanced on the slender branch. It was a long way to the ground but what was distance in an empty world? Rags that were draped across her arm fell away, even fine silk, whether it was whole or in tatters, could not hide forever the white bone that was all that was left of her. Skin still clung to bone in places, but not everywhere. She dug her nails into the marrow and gouged out her name… all she owned in the world.

I liked the beginning sentence because it made me interested in why she was curled on the branch of a tree. The rest was... meh.

First of all, maybe it's because I took too much physics, but gravity not existing just... isn't possible. It's not like she's floating in space. Any object will have some sort of gravity... even if it's floating in space, gravity will try to push it inwards. That's why it's crazy to assume otherwise. And a universe without gravity is also crazy. I mean, it's possible and according to some even feasible since some think that gravity leaked out of another universe to come into ours... but still.

Hahaha... um... yeah.

Anyway, it quickly disintegrated there into a self-pity wallow where the character is sad because of the world and she's crying, etc. Except we don't know why the world is like that because you really don't explan it very well. So in the end, the piece is very confusing.

Try adding a tangible conflict. Why is the character up there in the oak? Why is she the only one there? What happened? Try to describe more of why it happened rather than what is happening and I think the story will be much improved.

I totally agree with snoik. If you keep editing and revising, the better it will get, the netter it get the more competition follows, which means every one will be critiking your work! trust me though too meny critikes can get confusing.

First thing, is there going to be more? If this is just the start of something then I say great! if there isn't going to be more then...meh as Snoink said. If there isn't any more then you need too add more of a plot. You have at least 2 characters already (girl and dad), a setting, and some sort of bad-guy-evil-darkness thingy. Now all you need is more of a plot. Now this piece is very gripping (though i think overly gruesome when she like tore her own skin off) and would be a great start for a longer piece, but in and of itself it is kind of lacking.

I thought it was good. If this is just a flash-fic, then it doesn't need anymore. But I think you could add a bit more description about what it was that made everyone go mad and die and all. Well written.

YA wrote:Days had passed before the lunar cycle caught up with it's self.

Itself.

YA wrote:But the moon was always there; taunting her, of a world long gone.

Change the semi-colon to a comma, and nix the other comma.

YA wrote:She screamed again and the metal hit it’s target...

Its. "It's" means "it is" and "its" is for possesive.

YA wrote:She dug her nails into the marrow and gouged out her name… all she owned in the world

Good ending.


-T

I agree I think you should lengthen it and describe the events that preceeded. It was a very nice story, but mostly about self-pity so some reasoning would be cool.

Oh man...
That short really made me feel empty. Which is a good thing for me. It really moved me, the agony na dhow you described everything so well. Yea... Um... It was really good.

~Pol

I thought it was good too. I wish there was more to it.

this is a mass reply to all your comments;

First of all; Thankyou! All your comments are appreciated, especially constructive critism and tips! I am planning on editing it taking all your comments into consideration as soon as i have the time and i hope to expand the story into one with parts and an actual plot.

When i wrote this i was quite new to the world of writing and it was my first flash-fiction, i did plan a sequel to this one that i eventually discarded because it completly changed the mood of the piece, i will post some of my later flash-fiction and actual stories as soon as i have the time

thanks again for your comments; they've been really helpful

The details of this are really beautiful. It does evoke a lot of emotion and the reader can really feel the pain of the character being narrated.
I like the flashback. Sad, eerie... altogether I enjoyed this. I've never done flash-fiction (the "flash fiction" pieces I've done are all associated with one of my larger universes) but this could make me consider it. Wonderful job. My only critique would be grammar mistakes, but those are addressed above. =)

It's perfect as a stand alone. It's may not be technically complete (Doesn't have a clear begining,middle,end etc.)but it evokes all sorts of feelings in the reader. The description and the stark images are fantastic.
One of my favourite images was:
"The dark sky seemed to split below the moon and a trickle of darkness was let through. It burned around her head and her pointed ears, leaving no mark. It draped itself around the tree branch… waiting. For the moment when her consciousness slipped and it could strike and consume."

I liked the flashes of memory in Italic as they gave brief glimpses of the M.C's past and they left the rest for the readers imagination.Perhaps this is a bad thing,I'm not sure.Worked for me.

*Thumbs up*

Oisín