Grotesque

As long as you and I can remember
Back before then, even,
My family’s house stood against the wind,
A sanctuary for my frail being.

The shouts of their offspring filled the halls
The grandfather clock in their sitting room
Tickling away the graceful hours of bliss
And we would be there- a presence in their unruffled lives.

And suddenly, my family, you were gone
Your house was empty of all feelings of life
And my brothers had disappeared, leaving me
In the grotesque emptiness that you left behind.

Each day I tiptoed through the stillness
Afraid I would break the sacred silence
Wobbling up and down through the stifling calm-
Watching the dust eat your once-treasured belongings.

Days, months and years, each in that order
Dust clawing for revenge against the formerly-polished furniture
The musk stench of closed curtains and locked doors
Stinging at my raw nose as I saw time go past.

The grandfather clock, in its cloak of age, gave up life;
Its pendulum heart shuddering to a stop
And then I knew, for sure
Such a lonely long time
Had finally passed
From my family.

I still stalk, all bitter
Through the house you left me to
Watching the last traces of memory disappear,
Bourn away on the chill wind that is
The herald to my approaching death.

______________________
Written by a kitten. Or in the viewpoint of a kitten, anyway. ^^ Another one of my bored poems, but I tried a more serious chord, this time. I'm not particularly proud of it, but I'd like to hear people's comments, as I'm not all that acquiainted(sp) with free verse poetry. ^^

~Sumi

Hmm, very sad kind of. (maybe it's because I'm listening to sad celtic music )

I'm not much for poetry, but its difference to other things was intresting and made me read all the way through.

I can't say anything about rythms and whatnot, but it was nice for someone in a kind of thoughtfull phase to read.

Guess that didn't make much sense. I mean that someone that is wide awake and alert, would find it odd, while a person ithinking and knd of far off in thought-world would find it pleasent and intresting. As I was in when I read this.

Suffice to say and finish this not-so-helpfull post, I liked it.

It wasn't too obvious that it was from the point of view of a kitten. In fact, if you hadn't have said I wouldn't have known. Other than that though, it's well written and the free verse format fits perfectly. Your imagery is good and while the grandfather clock isn't original, it works really well. A good use of vocabulary here as well. Basically, I liked it so keep up the good work.

thanks guys! ^^
(I just had this really weird dream where this poem was called heresy.......)

Just out of curiosity, kitty, what did you think the viewpoint char was? I'm interested.

Now that I look back at it, it makes sense but for some reason when I read it, I thought it was someone who had lost their family in a terrible accident and was re-visiting their childhood home. I know that that doesn't make sense. I've read it through with both ideas in mind and I can see mine doesn't think but... I don't know. I suppose my mind thought it would invent the story for me instead of reading what was there...

I liked this--it was subtle, and had a beauty to it. The repetition of the grandfather clock was somewhat unneeded, IMO.

You need to punctuate it more (that is my largest complaint).

I think you should add the slightest bit more of imagery, give it some mysticism. And maybe tell why they are gone, and why she isn't? (The rapture?)

I still stalk, all bitter

Stalk doesn't fit here. Stalk implies the chasing, obsessively, of something else. Now what if she were stalking the memories left behind? It would make it lovely.

Punctuation kind of dips in and out, but never too consistantly. *see second stanza as opposed to second to last*

"Dust clawing for revenge against the formerly-polished furniture" I think that the dust part here is a little too much... it seems as if you're trying to tell the reader too much, and not leaving anything for them. (or maybe I just find the small things to pick on... ^_^) That was the only instance, though.

I think that the last stanza was perfect.... chilling.

Congratulations.

Ah, a very late thank you, Clau and Amelia! I appreciate it...will make those changes. Might have to let it stew for a bit, though.

Thanks very much!

~sumi

Nice - very.

Can't comment, but the clock was good. (Borrowers in the background, how.... fitting? Ironic? Weird? Dichotomisationing?)

I think "stalk" is alright. Cats stalk. Walk haughtily. You could use "prowl" for a more brooding feel.

I had no idea, reading it, that this was from the perspective of a kitten. So a suggestion: try making that clearer, if you're really attached tot he idea, or leave it as it is and let go of the kitten idea. Other than that, last stanza, second line

through the house you left me to

umm...definitely work on it. Maybe "through the house you've cruelly emptied" or something.

I really liked the simple and meaningful feeling to this. The punctuation was a little off for me. Sometimes there and sometimes not, but otherwise I really liked this.

Dust clawing for revenge against the formerly-polished furniture

**My favorite line. Very descriptive and it made me laugh even in the sadness of the poem.

Keep it up!
~Rieda

I think that this was VERY well done. I loved reading it. The sort of saddened tone of it gave me chills, which is a good thing, I promise. I loved this poem. I think that the repetition of the grandfather clock was good. Almost as if it represented something that was always there. I had no idea that it was in the POV of a kitten. And I agree with kitty about whose viewpoint I thought it was.

Anyway, again, punctuation dips in and out, so you might want to work on that. I liked your line structure and the flow of the poem, it was awesome.

Anyway, that's all I really wanted to say. Well done!

xoxo
-Caitlin

Wow.....0-0 I posted this like a month ago and it's still getting reviews. LOL. Thanks, guys, I appreciate it muchly! ^_^

0_o

That's a pretty amazing poem.

It just really... made an impact on me. It was really well-expressed.

Like someone else mentioned, I had no idea while reading it that it was from the perspective of a kitten, so I'd make that more evident in the poem.

A few minor nintpicks:

[quote]I still stalk, all bitter [/quote]

I'd rephrase this. "I still stalk, bitterly" sounds much smoother.

[quote]Days, months and years, each in that order [/quote]

You don't need "each in that order."

So... there were a ton of parts I loved, but I think this would have to be my favorite:

[quote]Its pendulum heart shuddering to a stop[/quote]

That's just so... tragically beautiful. Haunting. I love the personification of the pendulum being the clock's heart.

Wow.

Okay, I'm done gushing now. Keep up the awesome work!