Isabella Ch. 2

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1084
Reviews 43
Chapter Two

The stiff stones disrupted me from sleep. When I opened my eyes, it was about as dark as it was with her eyes closed. Quickly and lazily I stood up, and hoping I wouldn’t trip and fall, started heading toward the city. My aunt’s house was close; only a few blocks down.

When I got home, I went to the gate and lifted the lock. Going to the side of the house, I started to climb the fire escape ladder up to my room. Opening my window, I stepped through and felt my dresser scrape my leg to the right. Ignoring the stinging, I felt around for my bed and soon my hand touched it. I lied down, pulled the thin blankets up to my shoulder, and turned to the right only because it was away from the door. Hearing yelling voices from downstairs, I realized my aunt and uncle were probably drunk again.

I immediately fell asleep again, even though my aunt and uncle were shouting at each other downstairs. I was too tired to care. Once I had fallen asleep, I had a dream like I do every night. Or nightmare, I would call the particular one I had most nights. The replay of August 19th, three years ago.

I first heard the scream of my little baby sister. My mom scurried into my room screaming, “COME ON!” Her face was serious, and her mascara was running down her eyes making black rivers. She picked me up in her arms and sprinted into my baby sister’s room, who bawling in her crib. My mom, having a 1-year old, and a 13 year old awkwardly falling out of her hands, scurried to the back door, the only door that wasn’t on fire. My mother ran us outside as fast as she could and put us safely on the next-door neighbors lawn and started running back towards the house hollering,

“ISABELLA! STAY THERE AND KEEP YOUR SISTER SAFE!!”

And that was the final time I ever saw my mother. It was all a big blur. Although I had my baby sister, when the ambulances and police cars finally arrived finding my other brother and sister, mother and father all dead. They found my little sister had inhauled very much smoke; and she became very sick. I stayed with her for three weeks not willing to leave the hospital, until my sister went into Acoma. I prayed every night for my sister to wake up and refused to leave the hospital room she was in every night. I would stay up late and just stare into her eyes. All the tubes going into her scared me. I would cry myself to sleep each night begging God to release her from Acoma. Though on October twenty-second, the machines by my sister started to beep. Doctors rushed in and told me to leave the room or else they’d have to force me out. I hated being separated from her, but I knew I would have to leave. After hours of leaning against the door to my sister’s room and weeping, the doctor came out and touched my shoulder. He told me my sister had passed away.


When I woke up from my alarm, my back was sore from falling asleep on the rocks last night. Using my feet, I kicked the blankets off of me and sat up with my feet going over the edge of my bed. I rubbed my head and yawned. I grabbed a wife beater and jeans with many holes in them and changed. Then I went to my closet and got my gray All Stars. Sitting down on my bed, I wiggled my feet into my socks, and then pulled my shoes on. As I left my room, I grabbed my gray sweatshirt hanging on my door knob and slipped it over my head. I also grabbed my cell phone sitting on a table by my door and slipped it into my pocket of my jeans.

Lazily I went down the stairs and into the kitchen. Grabbing milk from the fridge and Cheerios from the pantry, I put them together in a bowl. I grabbed a spoon and assembled myself at the table. When I finished eating, I chucked my bowl into the sink and wiped my mouth with my sleeve. Then I headed for the door. On my way, I picked up my brown back pack by the fridge and started heading for the bus stop down a couple blocks.

When the bus pulled up at the High School, I shoved through the giant mass of people and was one of the first ones off the bus. Making way to 1st period, biology, I stopped at my locker and turned the knob to unlock it. Grabbing my biology book, I rushed the rest of the distance to the biology room. I knew that if I didn’t make it there on time and missed the class, it might bring my grade down to F. Avoiding low grades would be the best way to keep the beatings from my Uncle controlled.

In Biology, we had to do an assignment to grow bacteria.

“I am going to partner each of you up and you two are going to have to grow bacteria cultures. Step by step, you’re going to write me a detailed process of how you did it. Due in exactly two weeks. You can use your biology book for a resource.” Ms. Schwarz picked up a stack of papers off her desk and passed 7 packets out to the 4 students in the front, “Okay, partners are, Erika and Dontray, Ryan and Taylor, Kramer and Logan, Aubree and Alex, Warren and Sandi, Tari and Milinda, Len and Jasper, Isabella and Curtis…”

Me and Curtis? Who’s Curtis? I looked around the room and my eyes stopped on a boy looked at me. He grinned. He had curly black hair that went to about his ears and freckles covering his nose.

For the rest of biology, we reviewed our packet and read a little in our books. When finally it was time to go, I started to gather my books. The boy that had looked at me earlier made his way over to my desk.

“Hi, I’m Curtis.”

“Isabella.”

“I know.” I focused on shoving my books into my backpack.

“So, I guess we are partnered up… do you want to meet here at the end of school and start working on our project?”

“That soon?”

“I think it is better getting these things done early. But, if you don’t want to start today…”

“No it’s fine” I said quickly. I didn’t want to sound so interested on doing it, and so I added, “I guess.”

“Okay. Meet you here at… 2:20?”

“Sure.”

“Okay, see you then”

“Yeah, see you.”

Class after class, 2:20 came closer. Finally I only had 7th period to go. After the bell rang, I started going towards the biology room. Going in, I sat down at my desk which was further in the back corner. Throwing my backpack on the ground, I put my head on my hand and looked at the door. In a couple minutes, I got bored, so I took my iPod out of my backpack and listened. The time on the clock on my iPod said 2:33.

In about 15 more minutes, I finally got fed up and started gathering my stuff. He didn’t seem like the type of person who would stand me up. I felt bad. Why had I even gone along with all this? As I was just getting up to walk towards the out, the doorknob rattled and Curtis came in,
“I’m so sorry! My P.E. teacher made me stay after because I accidentally hurt one of the other students… you know how stupid he is” he said. Curtis came to a desk by me and pushed it next to mine.

“Okay… well…” he sat, and caught his breath, “HI.”

“Hi.”

“Well, do you want to start out project?”

I scoffed, “seriously? Not really.”

“Me either,” he chuckled,

Silence… “Do you have to be home by a certain time? My parents usually don’t care when I get home. I think they’d rather have me gone all day…”

“Mine too”

“Do you have any brothers or sisters?”

I closed my eyes, “I did.”

“Oh, I’m sorry… do you want to talk about something else?”

Nobody has ever cared about my feelings, ever since my dad and mom died, “It’s okay. I used to have 2 sisters and a brother, but then my house caught on fire…" I swallowed, "and well, they all passed away. Now I live with my aunt and uncle."

“Wow..." Curtis touched my hand, and I winced. He quickly drew his hand away. My nose tingled again, and I defiantly didn’t want to cry in front of Curtis. I tried my hardest not to cry, but it was a foolish attempt. A tear slid down my cheek and I wiped it away with my sleeve.

“I’m sorry…” Curtis looked down,

“No its okay” I laughed a little, “I usually don’t cry. Please, don’t feel bad.” I looked at his eyes, the first time I ever had. He looked back into mine. He was beautiful. I blinked, and looked away.


After talking and laughing, I glanced at the clock. It was 3:56.

“Well, look at the time” he looked,

“Oh my god! It’s been almost an hour and a half! I have to get to work at five, so I better get going.”

“Okay.” We both got our backpacks and went to the door together. Curtis stopped in front of it.

“Well, nice meeting you. That was fun.” He smiled.

“Yeah, it was…”

“Want to actually work on our project… on Friday, here after school again?”

“Sure.” We both stood there for an awkward moment, and then he hugged me. A quick hug, but it felt good. He let go, and I smiled,

“Well, see you.” Curtis opened the door, and let me go first. There was a girl sitting down by the lockers, and she stood when she saw Curtis. She was one of those perfect beautiful popular girls, named Amanda,

“Hey.” She went up to him and their lips met.

A pain when through my chest. I don't know why though, because Curtis and I had only just met.
Last edited by mateeah3 on Mon May 26, 2008 10:36 pm, edited 7 times in total.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 6070
Reviews 277
Hi! I thought this was really good, you had good description throughout the story, and I thought the dream sequence was done well. Here's a few things I would take a look at:

mateeah3 wrote:Hearing yelling voices from downstairs, I realized my aunt and uncle are probably drunk again.


You have the whole paragraph in past tense, and suddenly this sentence is in present tense. It breaks the flow of your story, so change "are" to "were".

mateeah3 wrote:“COME ON!!!”


One exclamation mark is enough, the same tone is conveyed.

mateeah3 wrote:Although I had my baby sister, when the ambulances and police cars finally arrived finding my other brother and sister, mother and father all dead, they found my little sister had inhauled very much smoke; and she became very sick.


This sentence really breaks your story's flow. I would say to break it up into at least two or three sentences, because as one sentence it's a little hard to follow. I would do something like this:

When the ambulances and police cars finally arrived, they found my other brother and sister, and my mother and father, dead. And although I had my little sister with me, she had inhaled too much smoke; she became very sick.

Remember you don't have to copy that exactly, it's just a possible alternative.

mateeah3 wrote:I stayed with her for 3 weeks non-willing to leave the hospital, until my sister went into Acoma.


First thing, I notice you use numbers quite a bit in this piece. I would say to take the time and spell out all your numbers. So instead of "3 week" it would be "three weeks" see how much better it looks, since it's a story? Also, I think you might want to change "non-willing" to simply "not willing".

mateeah3 wrote:I used to have friends here at my school, but one my best friend Becky died last year from a drunk driver hitting her, I haven’t been so determined to make new friends.


I think maybe you should hold off on telling us that Becky died until later in the story, because in this sentence it seems like, "Oh, yeah, she just died in a car accident, no biggie". Unless of course Becky has no further relevance to the plot, then I would just find another excuse justifying her aversion to making friends.

mateeah3 wrote:Throwing my backpack on the ground, I put my hand on my hand and looked at the door.


"Put my hand on my hand" doesn't sound so good. Maybe you can just say "I folded my hands and looked out the the door."

mateeah3 wrote:They’re both alcoholics


If this were real life, I don't think someone would go right out and say to a random person that their aunt and uncle are alcoholics. Think about it, if you were meeting someone that you don't know so well, how much would you really tell them?
mateeah3 wrote:“Well, I only had a sister, and well… a mom. My dad died in the army before I was born. My sister got raped by her boyfriend, and he killed her and himself. My mom was depressed, and so she committed suicide. So I live alone in an apartment. Luckily, got a job at a grocery store, so I’m back on my feet”


Wow, your character's lives are depressing, how can you write this stuff and not get depressed? :wink:

***

As for the ending, I thought it was good, not much of a cliffhanger but was enough to make the reader come back for more. All in all a great piece.

-Tony




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 514
Standing, I sauntered over to my dresser and opened the top drawer.

I don't think sauntered is the right word for this....I mean, she just woke up from a nightmare...and sauntered is...well... a leisurely pace...or walk or stroll. Most people aren't that calm when they first wake up.


“Well, I only had a sister, and well… a mom. My dad died in the army before I was born. My sister got raped by her boyfriend, and he killed her and himself. My mom was depressed, and so she committed suicide. So I live alone in an apartment. Luckily, got a job at a grocery store, so I’m back on my feet”

end this with a period =D

“Oh my god! It’s been almost an hour and a half! I have to get to work at 5, so I better get going.”

Spell out five

“Okay.” We both got our backpacks and went to the door together. Curtis stopped in front of it,

“Well, nice meeting you. That was fun.” He smiled,

Periods on both of these, not commas.

Okay. So there was a lot more emotion in this than in the last one. That's good.

Plot and Style
Both lives are really, really messed up...like crazy...But that's okay, as long as you don't go crazy with it.
Some things about your writing style bugged me though. You describe everything, even insignifigant details like the mechanics of eating cereal, or getting dressed...and well...lets just say I'm glad you didn't put a sex scene in this...But the weird thing is, despite all the insignifigant things you add in here, there are a lot of really important things you leave out.

Okay...That's pretty much it for now. PM me when you post the next section!!!Keep up the good work!

-JC
But that is not the question. Why we are here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come. -Beckett



cron
I'd be a quote vigilante. A literary Batman. Someone had better be quoting me now!
— Feltrix