An Angel Reborn

This is my second attempt at fantasy writing, so I don't expect it to be that good.

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Chapter 1 – Broken Bonds

Roa turned his gaze to the sky. The wind blew through the trees and out into the clearing he was standing in, lifting a few of his silver hairs off his face. The stars were out tonight, small and silver against the black sky, a beautiful sight. He stood there, staring up at them for a few moments, before he turned and walked away. The lake at the foot of the grassy slope rippled as he approached, it’s black surface matching the sky, reflecting the stars. They were always there. He looked at himself in the lake, his fair features, pointed ears and light tan looked back at him, but his eyes stood out most. Those green eyes, that marked him as part of the royal family.

He picked up a pebble from the rocky shore and threw it at his reflection. The splash obliterated it, rippling outwards, disturbing the stars reflections. Roa turned his back on the lake and walked off into the surrounding forest. The elves had always cared for the forest and in turn it cared for them. It hid them from those meddlesome humans and left the elves in peace. Roa didn’t want to be left in peace, he wanted to go out there, into the rest of the world, to meet new people and forget his responsibilities for a while.

His feet followed the old, worn path through the tall oak trees, towards the city of Lanoth. The city, made of white marble, was home to the elven throne. Roa’s ancestors had ruled there for over ten thousand years. They had built tall towers, peaceful gardens, orderly streets and hundreds of statues honouring themselves. The city sprawled over a great amount of land, so large that it would take several days to cross from one side to the other. A river ran through the centre of the city, bridges spanned it and boats sailed on its glittering surface. It was called the River Scana. Roa hated being crown prince of this amazing city. Too much was expected from him.

The path twisted round a corner and Roa paused for a moment. Something was not right. His hand fell to the hilt of his sword, feeling the silver wire that twisted up its handle. He stepped backwards into the shadow of one of the ancient trees and folded his dark grey robe across his chest, so his white tunic and trousers did not give him away. He pulled the robes hood up over his head and waited, perfectly concealed in the shadows. Roa had learned the need for patience over the last hundred years, and now he employed it.

Two humans passed his hiding place and Roa felt a chill descend upon his heart. They could not be here. Humans and their technology had no place in the sacred forest of the elves. The forest would not allow them to enter; the elves would stop them if they did. So how did they get here? Roa thought. The humans walked away, talking dreamily of a home far away. Roa left his hiding place and ran hurriedly around the corner. No…

His eyes fell upon the ancient city of Lanoth ablaze. His home was burning in front of him, and then the screams began. Horrible, wailing screams that penetrated deep into Roa’s soul. No… It could not happen. His people were dying; his family were most likely dead… All that he had was gone. The humans had taken it all from him. They would pay dearly.

Clenching his fists, he strode purposefully towards the burning city, eyes burning with rage, feet crushing the grass beneath him. The great white walls were covered in ash, staining them. The dark brown gate was ruined, the kings carved on its surface smashed until they were no longer recognisable. The gatekeepers lay next to them, their bodies a bloody mess, cuts appearing all over them, large holes where the crude human firearms had killed them from afar. The humans had no honour; they had defiled the dead bodies and left them there to rot.

Roa entered the once proud city, and the sight that greeted him brought tears to his eyes. The white marble buildings next to the gates were piles of rubble, the city further up the main road was on fire and bodies lay everywhere, stripped of anything valuable including the clothes off their backs.

He walked through the city, upon the main road, taking in the scene around him, then broke into a run. Maybe, he wasn’t too late…

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What do you guys think?

~ Shadowsun

Ahh... revenge. The catalyst for a good fantasy fiction. Your work is very well thought out. Very nice descriptions. What I would suggest though is after writing a chapter of your story you should take the time to read it over. You'd be surprised at how many spelling errors you'd find. I do that with all my work, it even helps to make certain dialog better if you don't like how you wrote it the first time.

A big part of being a writer is to have pride in your work. This is a good piece of a story, you shouldn't be expecting others to think it's bad. Have confidence in yourself and your words and it'll show on the paper... or computer screen. If you don't have confidence in yourself you'll start to get careless and it'll show in your work.

Don't give up, you have potential.

thanks Dynamo

First the line-by-lines:

His eyes fell upon the sight of the ancient city of Lanoth was aflame.

If you cut out the description here, the sentence says, "His eyes fell upon the sight of the city was aflame." so you see what I'm getting at The detail isn't the problem, just the verb 'was'. Perhaps: His eyes fell upon the sight of the ancient city of Lanoth, burning brighter than the sun. Something like that. It's just your verb, and maybe the sentence structure.

The humans had no honour; they had despoiled the dead bodies and left them there to rot.

Dictionary.com says 'despoiled' means to rob or plunder, and doesn't fit into the context of dead bodies.

I enjoyed it And I'm not a fantasy reader. I just have some suggestions to liven up the story, and make it better.

PLOT: I don't know where your story is going. No clue. Kind of good, kind of not. You have the upper hand of the reader going, "I want to find out more," but it doesn't really work here. Also you work off of revenge, which isn't bad, just cliché. Although I have a tip I'll make later on that will help that out... You should take your plot into consideration, try to give us at least a little more so we are encouraged to read more. And perhaps hold off on the background (they create info dumps) for later. Those are never fun, and you don't need them immediately, either.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, AND BODY LANGUAGE: So far, I know this about your MC: What he looks like, a little bit of who his is (in a caste system, that is) and that he's mad. But, that's it. His development doesn't occur much here, and one thing I would really love to see is more body language, especially when he sees the fire, and runs off. Have him curse, and stomp his fit, and run his hands through his hair; all that grand and marvelous stuff. You write good-but he doesn't seem real yet. You might want to go work in Snoink's Character Development user group

And uh... I think that was all I had to say? I might have had something else, I really can't remember! I look forward to more, perhaps I'll keep up with this ^_^ If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

Sorry I haven't posted for a while. I've changed a few things and now I'm ready to post the next part.

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Chapter 1 - Broken Bonds Part 2

His feet pounded upon the ground in rapid succession, going faster and faster, drawing upon the wind itself to increase his pace. Houses, statues and gardens blurred and smoke stung his eyes, but he kept going. The palace approached him, its once beautiful gardens ablaze and smoke billowing out of its grand doorway.

His home was on fire. Roa stopped abruptly, the wind howling around him. Everything he owned was gone; everyone he knew was dead. “No…” The word slipped through his lips. Roa dropped to his knees, tears cascading down his face. They had taken everything from him. His face turned grim with determination. They would pay. He thought.

They would pay with their lives.

Picking himself up and drawing his whisper thin sword, Roa turned to face the palace. He gathered the wind about him, letting it build until it was a mighty gale. Roa took a step forwards towards the palace, face turned grey from the effort of controlling the wind. A flagstone blew up into the air, sailing through the starry night. For each step forward he took, another flagstone was thrown into the air. He struggled through the grand doorway and spied a group of humans looting jewelled tapestries, gold goblets and silver cutlery.

One of them, dressed in a black tunic and trousers, with a gleaming steel breastplate and helmet saw him, and raised the alarm. “One of them bastards got away!” The man shouted. “Get him!” Roa turned to face him, gave the man a glance that froze the air around him and then released the windstorm, letting it rip through the palace, and the men. They were torn to shreds. They screamed. The screams cut through the air, but Roa was death to them. Once the storm dissipated he could see a mass of mayhem and destruction lay around him, shards of wooden furniture lying on the floor, impaled in the wall, tapestries ripped and torn, windows smashed, glass lying on the floor and lumps of flesh that barely resembled bodies were strewn everywhere, large pieces of wood and metal sticking out of them, covered in pieces of furniture, cloth, bloodied armour and plunder.

Roa gasped with the effort of brewing and controlling such a storm, desperately drawing air into his lungs, then set off down the plain, simple hallway, his simple black boots clattering on the floor, passing broken doors and looted rooms, sheets, furniture and clothes were piled at each door. He shook his head, his home being despoiled like this. Roa screwed up his face as he considered what would have happened if he had been here, if he had fought with the others. Maybe if… No, what’s done is done, he could not blame himself.

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Well?

~ Shadowsun

I really liked it!
When he's thinking revenge, that was my favorite part. You also did a good job describing the elven city after the humans burnt it down. Although that was sad. Poor Roa.

I enjoyed it!

Perhaps to little to go on for me to give much constructive criticism,and everything I can think of has been said already.

In general pretty good...revenge is always a good basis for displaying emotion(Anger,fear,regret,sorrow,loneliness) and is used in some of the best novels.Its perfect for striking the whole 'lone-hero' feeling.Which can make for an exhilirating read.

*Thumbs up*
The Oshmiester

I liked it a lot.
I've always wanted to write a story about elves and how they have MAJOR problems with people, and you nailed it! I thought it was interesting, but I almost stopped reading in the begining, it was a bit boring. After a while you got it together and made me interested. It was great, and keep writing, I want to read more!
Wow...I really sounded like a book critic, WOOO!

*Disclamer* These are all my opinions I am not an expert so this may sound weird (if thats the case just ignore it) and I haven't read any of the other critiques so I apologize if this has already been said...

This is my second attempt at fantasy writing, so I don't expect it to be that good.

Don't insult your own writing (I used to get ragged on for that all the time) it makes it seem like you're expecting pity, and nothing but praise.

The stars were out tonight, small and silver against the black sky, a beautiful sight

I'm not sure why but I don't like the wording of that part, perhaps its because the stars are something we take for granted, we'd never think of them as beautiful unless we've just faced near death or something.

The lake at the foot of the grassy slope rippled as he approached, it’s black surface matching the sky, reflecting the stars. They were always there. He looked at himself in the lake, his fair features, pointed ears and light tan looked back at him, but his eyes stood out most. Those green eyes, that marked him as part of the royal family.

Here I think it would be better as its own paragraph.

it’s black surface matching the sky, reflecting the stars.

Add "and" between sky and reflecting to make it flow a little better.

They were always there.

To put it simply, huh?

He looked at himself in the lake, his fair features, pointed ears and light tan looked back at him, but his eyes stood out most

The way you worded your list is a lot like nails on a chalk board to me

Those green eyes, that marked him as part of the royal family.

For some reason this one part needs a lot of work so I'll break it down bit by bit

Those green eyes

That sounds more like a thought, but I'm not sure how exactly would be a good way to re-word it.

that marked him as part of the royal family

Well... if you cut out that you can leave the first part as is (still sounds like a thought though) and it would sound a lot better.

He picked up a pebble from the rocky shore and threw it at his reflection

The parts before that implied that he was kneeling down, if so why didn't he just splash it? I know thats cliche but it seems less akward than picking up a pebble. But if you don't want to do that say he picked up more than one pebble, we don't know how big the pebble is or how well it stirs up the water. Maybe saying he picked up a rock, or a bunch of pebbles instead of just a pebble.

rippling outwards, disturbing the stars reflections.

add "and" between outwards and disturbing for better flow.

Roa turned his back on the lake

perhaps to instead of on would work better there.

Thats only for the first three paragraphs, if I tried to go the whole thing you probably wouldn't read it. But anyways its really good so far I like it.