Mankind's Phantasm ~ Angel's Paradise

(My mom asked me to make a nice angel poem for her. Since I couldnt write happy and cheezy angelic poems, I wrote an emo-gothic one.)

Mankind's Phantasm ~ Angel's Paradise

The ethereal realm seemed like bliss from the mortal world
The paradise that man dreamed of can be concluded in a sole word
And that ecstasy is ruleth over by one potent Lord

Thy haven above the gray skies
Fills with the immortal aura of the One, and we shall all rise
We shall all rise to serve Him with sincerity, without deceit and lies

I am but a seraphim who attends to the pulchritudinous needs of the human race
I furnish mankind with the values they’ve lost through the ages
I bring dost thou their baffled souls out from the vile cages
This seraphim has already been attached to its case

This seraph no longer heeds the word reward
This seraph no longer understands itself; it has been lost in a flustered ward
But this seraph has its Lord, abiding to serve his cards

And as I sit by the heavens looking over mankind,
Thoughts of the Most High penetrated my mind
His overpowering state appears to be unusually kind

Every other angel seemed to adore Thou potency, the hint of wisdom in Thy smile
They all seemed to be in awe of Thou as Thy slays everything vile
But my bond with You is shrouded in a thousand miles

~0O0~0O0~0O0~0O0~

His knowledge overwhelms the heaven with awe
The angels gather to see His power that is purely raw
But I cast my sorry self into the shadows, observing from a distance
Uncomfortably fidgeting in my stance
Desperately trying to reflect on one fine instance

The perfection He possess ruleth over the dire damnations
The perception He owns leaveth mankind in mere admiration
His overwhelming supremacy constantly spread through its limitations

Many have strived to be akin to Him, none getting anywhere near
His unconditional devotion to love is unmatched and it was clear
A seraph wouldn’t dost be able to talk to Him

Among us heavenly creatures, this God was not a friend
This God is a face of excellence we have to respect or we’ll all end
For He hath created us, we were for humanity, their wounds we have to mend

The Excellency hath wrought countless creatures of fantasy
From the living animals to the faulty humanity
He hath shaped us, seraphim and cherubim alike, to form a gathering to aid His serenity

The serenity between man and angel
He hath so devotedly and beautifully crafted, each with perfect angle
This vast expense of paradise, where humans and ethereal creatures alike would meddle

~0O0~0O0~0O0~0O0~

I would not have the right to talk to Thou
I would not look thou in Thy eye
For Thy eyes are but a mere reflection of precision
And mine are but a simple seraph’s, making a desperate decision
Wherefore do our hearts take us to the deepest places
Separating us, incapable to speak what’s inside
Thou are but a God fashioned to faultlessness
I am an ample angel, befuddled in mystified thoughts of sadness

The gossamer wings Thou created I hide behind me
My saddened face left unveiled for all to see
We can never speak, for this is all I could ever be

The fate of humanity lies deep, buried in Thy wise hands
Man adores You, for You are so grand
This grandeur I can only appreciate
Forgive my foolish and unwanted mistakes

I am but a simple seraph that lingers in God’s paradise
Drifting above the gray skies
Watching over man and guiding them forth to a haven where they can rise

Heh I liked it, you're lucky, I can write nothing but cheesy.
I'm not much of a critiquer (?) but I thought it was cool. (Ick word.)
I have a new favorite word, pulchritudinous, though I have to go figure out what it means...
Good poem. Long poem. Good though.

I agree with emooly it's not the style in which i could right. But it makes me appricaite the poem all the better. Loved it, it was long though, in my opinion you were able to get your point across and your message to readers.[although some don't appreciate length in poems] Way to inspire DB93!

Pulchritudinous? Pulchritudinous?

No. This is one of those instances where you're trying to spend a hundred dollars for something that take ten cents. Try another synonym of beautiful. Just not pulchritudinous, for goodness sake! That's a terribly unpoetic word which, in the context of this poem, is quite un-pulchritudinous.

Anyway... the poem is very long. Too long. You want to talk about the angel's ashamed feelings toward God. Lovely. But trim your poem! Brevity is the soul of wit, is it not? How many words can you get rid of without making the poem lose context? Get a chainsaw, take out those words.

Happy editing!

Pulchritudinous is an amazing word.

Just... not for a poem. As Snoink says about, it's incredibly unpoetic. And it also makes the reader stop, think, and wonder what the heck you're talking about (and probably open up a dictionary, which you really don't want to happen). What to do? Take it out!

And, again as Snoink said: trim, prune, saw off--whatever you have to do. Just make this poem more palateable and less of a twelve-course dinner, if you know what I mean.

I made this one up when there was nothing else to do. Basically I was killing time... I didn't want to be long, but it ended up that way. I guess I'll just make another one... Thanks for reviewing...