Moving Too Fast (Chapter 4)

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 516
Gina comes round on Saturday night for a sleepover. She only calls a few
minutes before she comes, so I’m still wearing my pyjamas and I don’t
even have time to put my iPod back in my room after hanging up the
phone because Gina bangs on the door when I’m halfway up the stairs.

“Hey Gina,” I hug my friend quickly. She looks upset.

“Hey Kara,” she replies and we dump her stuff in my room and sit down on
my bed.

“Are you okay?” I ask.

“James dumped me.”

I gasp and hug Gina. I’ve had plenty of experience with crying girls because
they’ve been dumped by their boyfriends.

“When?”

“A bit before I called you. He said he just didn’t think it was working out!”

“That is so low,” I almost always say this when one of my friends comes
crying to me. I don’t know if I actually mean it, but it seems to cheer them
up.

“I know! And tomorrow was our two month anniversary.”

Gina dissolves into tears and I hug her. We sit in silence- well, as silent as
you can get with a heart-broken girl sobbing into your shoulder- until my
phone rings.

It’s Carmen.

“Hey Car,” I say, while rubbing Gina’s back.

“Hey Kara, is Gina with you?”

“Yeah, she is. Why?”

“I’m coming over. I’ll call Bianca and tell her what’s happening.”

Carmen doesn’t give an explanation, just hangs up. 10 minutes later
Carmen and Bianca are sitting on my floor, and we’re discussing stupid
guys.

“So why exactly did you guys come over?” I ask Carmen and Bianca.

“We heard about Gina and James and had to come over.”

I look at Gina.

“I called Carmen before you, then rushed over.”

I nod and stand up.

“Well, it’s pouring,” I glance outside where the rain was coming down harder
than I’ve ever seen it. “So I guess you guys will be staying the night. I’ll
tell mum and order some pizza for dinner. Do you guys want to call
your ‘rents and tell them?”

“I said I’d end up staying the night,” Carmen says, and Bianca pulls out
her mobile.

I leave the room and grab the kitchen phone, dialling the pizza place
number while explaining to mum that my friends are staying the night.

Mum nods and I order the pizzas. We always get a medium Hawaiian,
medium magarittea and a medium meat-lovers.

“Is that all?” The person on the other side of phone asks.

“Yes, thankyou.”

“No problem. Your pizza’s will be there in 20 minutes.”

I hang up and run back upstairs. The others have moved on from guys to
music. Now this is a conversation I can join in on. When Carmen mentions
a new artist, I grab and album off my shelf and hand it to her.

“It’s really good. I got it a couple of weeks ago. Just give it back to me on
Monday.”

Carmen nods and grins. “Thanks Kara.”

“No problem.”

I hear the doorbell ring. I quickly grab my purse and run down the stairs.

“What do I owe you?” I ask, opening the door and my purse, not looking
up.

“Thirty dol- Kara?”

I look up and see Ray. He’s a little wet, but not much. I hand him $30 and
he hands me the pizza’s.

“I didn’t know you had a job.” I remark.

“Yeah, well, why would you?”

I laugh and shrug. “I guess. But isn’t it horrible working with all this food?”

Ray laughs. “It would be, but I eat lots before I go to work, otherwise
nobody would get their pizza’s.”

I nod, grinning, and sort of wave my elbnow because my hands are bust
holding the pizza boxes.

“I guess you have a lot more deliveries to do?”

“Yeah,” Ray looks back at the van where another guy is waiting in the
drivers seat. “Well, seya on Monday. And don’t forget my album.”

I smile. “I won’t. It’s great.”

Ray walks back to the van and I close the front door with my foot.

“Finally!” Carmen exclaims when I enter my bedroom with the pizza. “What
took you so long?”

“I was talking.”

“To who?”

“Ray, he works for Pizza Hut.”

Carmen nods and put a piece of each type of pizza on her plate. Bianca
grabs two Hawaiian and Gina just takes a meat-lovers. I take two
magarittea’s and a Hawaiian. The conversation turns to movies.

“We should go see the new Cameron Diaz movie tomorrow,” Carmen says.

We nod and eat in silence.



“I am so screwed,” Bianca yawns as we finish our Harry Potter marathon. I
own all four current movies, and we just watched all four.

“So am I,” Gina yawns too. “I don’t think we’ll be seeing that movie-” she
looks up at the clock “-today.”

I nod in agreement and lie down on my bed.



The girls leave at two. I log onto my Hotmail account and open the latest
email. It’s from Ray.



Hey Kara,

I’ve got an extra ticket 2 the Nelly Furtado show at the Rodlaver arena coz
my bro bailed on me to go out with his gf.

Wanna come? It’s next Sat at 7:30. It ends late but my dad is picking me
up, we can give you a lift home.

What do ya say?

Ray.



I run downstairs and explain the situation to mum, who tells me to slow
down. I nod and slowly explain that Ray has an extra ticket to a concert
and he’s inviting me. Mum questions who Ray is, how much it will cost, what
time I’ll be home and how I’ll get home over and over again. Finally she
says yes. I hug her and run back up to my computer.



I've had many reviews telling me this story is pure YA. In response, I write Teen Fic, to my stories of course are like this. If you don't like my story, there is no one forcing you to read it.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 101
Heyla chocoholic :D I'm here for the next part.
First of all, I feel obligated to second what you said at the end of your post. 'Tis unfair that you would receive criticism for writing in a specific genre; we aren't here to critique what you write so much as how you write it. *frowns at the guilty parties*
However, I must also say this, in their defense. I do not remember exactly what was said, but I believe some of them said it was bordering on cliché YA, and therein lies the problem they are pointing out. So... *frowns at chocoholic now* do not be so quick to snap at your critics. You may disagree, but we all do at times; it is still worth it to take what they say into consideration.
Admittedly, this is not generally my kind of genre either, but it is a cute story which I've been enjoying anyway. Sooooo that all being said... I'll move on into more useful stuff.


"“Hey Gina,” I hug my friend quickly."
--> period, not comma. Hug is not the speaking verb.


"“Hey Kara,” she replies and we..."
-->replies, and


"I’ve had plenty of experience with crying girls because
they’ve been dumped by their boyfriends."
--> this seems a bit out of place, a wee bit awkward. Maybe attach the idea to the previous sentence, saying "I gasp and hug her, already knowing what to expect based on all my previous experience with girls upset over breakups.


"“That is so low,” I almost always..."
--> again- period, not comma.


"We sit in silence- well, as silent as
you can get with a heart-broken girl sobbing into your shoulder- until my
phone rings."
--> rofl nice; only thing I'd suggest is to say put in a suddenly after 'until'


"“Hey Car,” I say, while rubbing Gina’s back."
-->wee bit awkward. cut the 'while', then add 'comfortingly' at the end, maybe.


"“Well, it’s pouring,” I glance"
-->same thing, period not comma


"I said I’d end up staying the night"
--> confusing at first. Maybe 'I already told them I'd" etc.


" thankyou"
-->typo- two words please!


"Your pizza’s will be there in 20 minutes."
-->pizzas, another typo


"I grab and album off my shelf"
-->typo- "an" album


"he hands me the pizza’s"
-->pizzas again


"“I didn’t know you had a job.” I remark."
-->job," I remark. comma not period


"nobody would get their pizza’s.”"
-->again


"“Yeah,” Ray looks back at the van"
--> period not comma


"“Ray, he works for Pizza Hut.”"
--> run-on. And I suggest this anyway- "Ray. Apparently he works for Pizza Hut."


"and we just watched all four."
--> we got this when you said marathon. Ye don't need to tell us, but if you do, this is a repetitive way to do it. Maybe "and we just watched all of them"


Aaaaaand that would be it, apparently. So he wasn't serious about the scarring for life thing, I see? Hehehe well that's good. Anyway, nicely done again, chocoholic. The relationship is growing, and it continues to be a cute story that I'm enjoying reading. :D post more *pokes chocoholic*

~sworddance
Drummer, beat, and dancer, fly
The floods of war are crashing nigh
Raise the mountain, blade the fire
And woe to they who voked your ire…
-----People do speak in semicolons; they just don't know it.------




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5890
Reviews 410
OK, this is still going strong and your writing has improved from the beginning however this chapter wasn't as strong as the previous two.

I won't bother echoing what Sworddance has said.

Gina comes round on Saturday night for a sleepover. She only calls a few minutes before she comes, so I'm still wearing my pyjamas and I don't even have time to put my iPod back in my room after hanging up the
phone because Gina bangs on the door when I'm halfway up the stairs.

Phew!! That's one loooooong sentence. Could this be broken up please?

OK, again try and picture where your story is going. Show don't tell and use everything to your best ability. Use your senses to describe EVERYTHING. Smells, feelings, sounds etc. Also, remember quality over quantity.

Keep it up,
Alainna
xxxxx

P.S. Regarding your footnote, I can see where you are coming from and what I think is meant by YA is not the genre but more the content. YA is good, I read some YA but what makes yours different to all the others? What makes yours stand out??
Sanity is for the unimaginative.

Got YWS?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 45
DON'T LET IT BECOME CLICHE! Right now it is quite original and interesting, but I see how (in the future story) it could quite easily become no more that just a normal ordinary piece
Well done




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 45



If you can't get out of your comfort zone, you'll never find what you're looking for. Don't make things quick and easy to feel better short term. Make a change and then you'll feel better longer term.
— Frinderman