More to Be Desired

More to be desired

Chapter 1

More to be desired

Chapter 1

It may not be perfect, Joanna mumbled as she gazed upon the miniature-sized mansion that would become her home, but it would have to do. She reapplied her lip-gloss in a fancy manner, making sure she gently wiped away all the extra gloss that had escaped the well-defined lines of her lips. She let out a long sigh. Even though Joanna was only sixteen, she had learned to cope with her surroundings that were a tad cheap for her own expensive taste that she was well accustomed to. Her dad was the president of the United States so of course she was treated like a queen and she wasn’t going to disapprove of the royal service. She stretched her slender body across the leather seat of the limo while her chauffer unloaded her luggage and carried it inside. She couldn’t argue with the service though, it was more than she expected. Before she had even gotten into the luxurious car, the chauffeur had handed her a glass of non-alcoholic wine.
The door opened with such haste that it startled her and made her sit bolt upright.

“My lady…” The chauffeur crooned and extended a cool hand.

“Why thank you.” She replied, taking his hand in order to be escorted to the building. The chauffeur seemed to drag her along, rapidly making his way to the front entryway. The front door itself was even magnificent. It was solid cherry oak, which blended perfectly with the somewhat crimson brick face of the home. The chauffeur smiled at Joanna and yanked the door open.

Her gasp got muffled when she covered her mouth in awe. The foyer had white marble floors that glistened when the light from the sun reflected off the crystal chandelier and cast reflections on them. She would have kissed the floor if only the chauffeur didn’t grab her hand and lead her farther into her citadel.

They hurriedly toured the rest of the mansion, the scenery flashing by her eyes as if she was in a car that was going way over the speed limit and she dared to look out the window. She tried craning her neck to get a glimpse of each room as they passed by, but James, the chauffeur, kept on going. She figured there were just too many rooms to look at in the short period of time. Her father would be at her place in two hours. It was amazing that she would even have her own place due to the fact that she was only 16, but she had a maid to take care of it for her. Yet, it wasn’t really her place, to be truthful. Her father owned it; she just lived in it. She glanced at each room as they passed but something extraordinary had crossed her line of vision. It seemed like it had just mysteriously popped up there like it had suddenly grown legs and walked over to the exact area where she was standing. She froze on the spot with her chauffer eagerly tugging her arm. If he pulled any harder, she thought, my arm just might fall off. The chauffeur, James dropped her hand and turned towards her.

“What’s the matter, my dear?”

“Nothing. Err…well, yes. What is that?” She pointed with one slender finger.
He followed her finger that was pointing at a certain object.

ignore how things aren't indented. it won't indent on her for some reason.

here* more is coming. that's only chapter one.

You've switched, in the beginning, from past tense (with the "ed"'s and such) to present tense, with "she points".

It's very brief, but it is still annoying.

And besides some minor grammatical mistakes, I think your description is overall pretty good, but your character has yet to develope throughout the story. It'll take more to tell her personality, and whether you've stayed true to that in the story.

6 stars out of 10. Good, for now.

hehe, tis cool.
is the second chapter on?
Ethan

yeah, it's up.

XImperfectlyPerfectX wrote:More to be desired

Chapter 1

"It may not be perfect," Joanna mumbled as she gazed upon the miniature-sized mansion [s]that would become her home[/s], but it would have to do. She reapplied her Passion Fruit flavored lip-gloss in a fancy manner, making sure she gently wiped away all the extra gloss that had escaped the well-defined lines of her plump lips. She let out a long sigh. Even though Joanna was only sixteen, she had learned to cope with her surroundings. [s]that[/s]They were a tad cheap for her own, exquisite and expensive, taste that she was well accustomed to. Her dad was the president of the United States, so of course she was treated like a [s]Q[/s]queen, and she wasn’t going to disapprove of the royal service. She stretched her slender body across the leather seat of the limo while her chauffer unloaded her luggage and carried it inside. She couldn’t argue with the service though, it was more than she expected. Before she had even gotten into the luxurious car, the chauffeur had handed her a glass of non-alcoholic wine.
The door opened with such haste that it startled her and made her [s]sit[/s] bolt upright.

“My lady…” The chauffeur crooned and extended a cool hand.

“Why thank you.” She replied, taking his hand in order to be escorted to the building. The chauffeur seemed to drag her along, rapidly making his way to the front entryway. The front door itself was even magnificent. It was solid cherry oak, which blended perfectly with the somewhat crimson brick face of the home. The chauffeur smiled at Joanna and gently wrenched the door open.

Gently and wrenched contradict each other. he either gently opened it or he wrenched it open.

Her gasp could have been heard miles away [s]from where she was standing[/s], but got muffled when she covered her mouth in awe. The foyer had white marble floors [s]and they[/s]that glistened when the light from the sun reflected off the crystal chandelier and cast reflections on them. She would have kissed the floor if only the chauffeur didn’t grab her hand and lead her farther into her citadel.

They hurriedly toured the rest of the mansion, the scenery flashing by her eyes as if she was in a car that was going way over the speed limit and she dared to look out the window. She tried craning her neck to get a glimpse of each room as they passed by, but James, the chauffeur, kept on going. She figured there were just too many rooms to look at in the short period of time. Her father would be at her place in two hours. It was amazing that she would even have her own place due to the fact that she was only 16, but she had a maid to take care of it for her. Yet, it wasn’t really her place, to be truthful. Her father owned it; she just lived in it. She glanced at each room as they passed but something extraordinary had crossed her line of vision. It seemed like it had just mysteriously popped up there like it had suddenly grown legs and walked over to the exact area where she was standing. She froze on the spot with her chauffer eagerly tugging her arm. If he pulled any harder, she thought, my arm just might fall off. James dropped her hand and turned towards her.

“What’s the matter, my dear?”

“Nothing. Err…well, yes. What is that?” She pointed with one slender finger.
He followed her finger that was pointing at a certain object.

A lovely cliffhanger. Main issue is wordyness. You describe things with far to man words than you need and this causes the story to drag, Not a good thing. I can see it's not supposed to but you might want to go through and trim it all down.

Sounds good, I look forward to seeing what this object is going to be.

Her dad was the president of the United States so of course she was treated like a Queen and she wasn’t going to disapprove of the royal service.

Telling. It's okay to tell us her dad is the president, but show us how she is treated like a queen. and queen doesn't need to be capitalized, I don't think.

The front door [s]itself[/s] was [s]even[/s] magnificent.

The chauffeur smiled at Joanna and gently wrenched the door open.

I don't think wrenched is a good verb to use for opening a door. Open works just as well.

Her gasp could have been heard miles away from where she was standing, but got muffled when she covered her mouth in awe.

This seems way too over dramatic.

They hurriedly toured the rest of the mansion, the scenery flashing by her eyes as if she was in a car that was going way over the speed limit and she dared to look out the window.

Split these into two sentences.

You called him James, but we were never told his name was James. A lot of your sentences were way too long and could be broken up into multiple sentences, or punctuated better. I think you could play up the end a little better, and actually explain it rather than just say "object".

Otherwise I don't really have any problems with it.

I'm not very skilled at critiquing Imperfectlyperfect, but, being that I enjoyed our conversation in the chat room, I'll try to help you out.
Note:I didn't search for grammar or punctuation, only the progression of the story and development of the characters.

As was previously said, the main character isn't too developed yet so I can really say anyhting about her other than I'm not a fan of her snobbiness.
The only real problem I had was the amount of description set within every sentence. I want to know what happens next but I don't want to go through half the dictionaries adjectives and such to get there.
I'm sorry if I sounded nasty I just try not to sugar code things.
The story was pretty interesting though. I want to know what that object is.