Cryptic

Cryptic

Alas where I do weep
but in archaic sanctuary.
No. Lies.
I have not cried
for two sweet years.
Why the habit sudden stop?
Love.


Makes sense to me.
~Yoyo

ok.....i get this but it stops so suddenly and took me a while to get the last to lines and figure out how they went together

Hmmm... the first two lines do sound archaic, but in a very awkward way, so I'm not quite sure it really works as a hook.

Are the last two lines part of the poem? (AKA: Makes sense to me./~Yoyo)

I get it.

But, I'm not sure if I like it. Odd? Yes. I'm probably around 50/50 on it.

Other than that, until I decide if I like it, I have nothing to say haha.

I think this would be better if you kept the archaic theme going. Perhaps use treachery rather than lies and something in place of cried. Wept maybe. Just a suggestion and I think it was a reasonable poem if a little short.

The last two lines aren't with the poem. I can understand everyone's indifference to it. Haha! At least you don't hate it. ^_^ As stated in my comments, it makes sense to me, and that's all that really matters, right? <3

~Yoyo

Indeed. If you added an explanation I'd have to slap you.

The only part I have a problem with is the second to last line. Perhaps "Why the habit's sudden stop?" instead, so at least the sentence works?

I may not understand this, but I'm glad it has a personal meaning to you, and I love the feel of it. It has sort of a cold, halting feel, which works beautifully with the words.

I'm intrigued.

Thanks Crysi! I like your suggestion, I'll change that. I'm glad you have some interest in it.

Makes sense to me, too. Short. I like. My only critique is that you began in kind of a flowing, elegant style, then ended in choppy, mixed up words.

hmmmm....i had to read it once over again, but i think that i finally understood it. don't worry, i like to write short poems ot, especially if it makes sense to do it...and sometimes not. lol!
i am also 50/50 on it, but yeah.....

---lora

ok, I'm gonna grip a bit here...

I fully understand how you felt when writing this. I grasp it's content, and can note the emotion. However, I don't feel that emotion. Make me feel it. Make me relate, make me believe, whatever. but you want the reader to feel what you feel, not just see what you feel.

~Ed