death like destiny

with words so perfect,
like the devils tongue.
but lies are all you get.
they may tempting.
they may be sweet.
but when you get there,
you'll find no treat.

singing and dancing,
with lullabies.
but the music,
slowly dies.
you wonder why,
and then you see.
you have treated death,
like destiny.

The beginning kind of seemed like it began in the middle of a sentence, like there should be more there that isn't...also, I think maybe you should expand on the treating death like destiny...how would you treat destiny??? Otherwise, though, this is a pretty good poem, and I'm sure with some rewrites and stuff it could be even more awesome!

I liked this piece! Good Job!

ML,
Oregongirl

wewinwelose wrote:with words so perfect,
like the devils tongue.
but lies are all you get.
they may tempting.
they may be sweet.
but when you get there,
you'll find no treat.

The bolded line reall doen't seem to fit the flow of the poem, the rest of this stanza is good but yea that line needs changed

singing and dancing,
with lullabies.
but the music,
slowly dies.
you wonder why,
and then you see.
you have treated death,
like destiny.

I'm really just not sure about this stanza. i'm not feeling it. I mean I could really feel and understand the first stanza, but the second one just confuses me.

This poem has the potential to be really great, you jut need towork on it a little.

~®®§

I liked this, it was cool. That is pretty much all I have to say, since I can't critique... or whatever. Who cares what I have to say anyway? Heheh Well, anyway, I thought it was cool

Firstly, I'd like to point out that if you need to include explanations, you haven't done your job as a writer.

Secondly... Your little lessons are somewhat trite. I've heard them before, many, many times. You don't present them in an interesting way. I feel like I should be sitting in a one-room school where "ye" and "thou" are constantly used and I have to memorize the lessons along with the rest of the class.

Sorry, but it just didn't float my boat. I can't find a specific spot that needs to be fixed; the best thing you can do is just start over and keep your goal in mind: you're trying to present basic ideas in fresh new ways.

Good luck.

hmmm....i liked it well enough. actually it's probally better than some of mine! (that's true)
i almost didn't really like the rhythm...i'm not to sure why, but i didn't really feel it.

other than that it was good! Muy Bien!
---Lora

with words so perfect, 5
like the devils tongue. 5

If you're going to punctuate like a sentence, you should also check to see that you have sentence-like grammar as well. Here, for example, there is no verb, so you shouldn't really put a period. Verbs are cool. They tell the reader what's happening, otherwise he is left wondering what's going on. On a similar note, pronouns are often helpful in clarifying meaning. In this poem, I have little idea who the "you" is. And I don't have to know everything about him/her, that would take away some of they mystery, but an identifying noun would make it smoother to read.

but lies are all you get. 6
they may tempting. 5

I'd suggest putting a comma at the end of the last line instead of a period because the following line "they may be sweet" is a continuation, and not really its own sentence.

they may be sweet. 4
but when you get there, 5
you'll find no treat. 4

I have added syllabal counts in italics at the ends of the above lines. You'll see that syllabal-wise, "but when you get there" fits with the rest, but there just seems to be too many words short words in rapid succession. In my opinion, that makes it sound choppy, so I'd suggest finding a few longer words to smooth it out. Maybe something like "but while you're there"?

singing and dancing,
with lullabies.

Again, there is no subject to the phrase, so there shouldn't really be a period there, and lack of subject can make it sound awkward.

but the music,
slowly dies.

If you're going to continue in sentence-like fashion, you should add this to the end of the last phrase instead of making it its own phrase/sentence because it's a continuation of the previous one. Also, "but the music" on its own line doesn't sound like there's enough sounds to let it be a separate line.

you wonder why,
and then you see.
you have treated death,
like destiny.

I'd suggest changing "you have" to "you've" to keep in syllabal line and make things a little smoother. The rhyme scheme throughout was cute.

Content-wise, the second stanza didn't seem like it had much to do with the first. The first seemed to be about evil in disguise, and the second ended with the paradigm of death as a destiny. I think separately and expanded, each would be interesting individual poems, but together, they don't seem to have much to do with each other.

I really enjoyed it! Short and sweet, to the point, if I had to nit pick it would of course just be that you didn't capitalize at the beginning of each sentence. But that is my only peev, and it is such a minor peev. Very nice work