Iriad (part 3)

10 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1145
Reviews 52
Kalyee flew with me to the ground nest and then left without even looking at me. I raised an eyebrow at her back but then shook my head and walked into the ground nest.

My sister was sitting on a low branch; she jumped down when she saw me come in.

“Fin, I thought you might not come.”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“I don’t know, you rarely do what you’re told so I thought you might still be playing the rebel.”

I decided to ignore her, “So why did you ask me here?” I sat down on the floor and crossed my legs in mocking anticipation.

“I was wondering if you wanted to help out at the school.” I opened my mouth and then shut it again. “Farlen is getting too old to control the more powerful students, since you are by far the most powerful of all of us and the one with the most spare time, we thought you would be a suitable candidate.”

“I don’t want to be Grand Head Master of the school!”

“I wasn’t suggesting that you replace him. Merely do the practical stuff while he does the paperwork, if you get my meaning.”

“So it’s not really work, more like, practise?”

“I suppose you could look at it that way. Oh, although I should warn you, some of them might not be that powerful but they are clever. Watch out for Airan’s little brother!”

I smirked, “And you, of course, would know all about Airan and his little brother.”

She blushed but then gathered herself and walked out of the ground nest calling back to him, “You start tomorrow. Have a good time!”

I sat still for a minute or two, thinking about what I had just got myself into. Then I shook my head and stood up.

It was almost dark now, there was a sliver of light left on the horizon and I knew I didn’t have very much time left. I took off and flew away from the nests towards a small tree near the lookout post. I landed on one of the top branches and crouched on all fours. After looking around for a second I whistled shrilly and hardly had to wait before the sound of wings beating came from behind me.

I turned and faced the bird which had settled on the branch opposite and put my fist to my shoulder while bowing, the traditional greeting of Iriads and therefore birds.

Iriads spoke the language of birds although recently we had picked up some human phrases and the birds did not always fully understand us.
“I trust your flight went well.” The bird spoke. It was about the size of my torso and I wondered why this particular bird, who was called Wind Whistler (Whist for short), was here instead of the usual bird Cloud Climber.

“It did thank you. How was yours?”

“Well enough, I’m not complaining.” Whist was one of the younger birds, about my age in bird years and I had always got on well with him.

“Whist, I have some news I think you might want to hear.”

Whist bowed his head and closed his eyes. “Good news or bad news?”

“Well I guess that kinda depends on what you call good news.” Whist did not answer but opened one eye questioningly; he hadn’t understood everything I had said.

“I meant, I suppose it depends what exactly you would consider to be good news.”

Whist understood and closed the eye again before saying, “Go on then, Fin, you really mustn’t leave me hanging like this, it’s unfair.” He had a slight mocking undertone and he had used a human phrase just to spite me for using one earlier, I scowled a little.

“I have been asked to become a teacher at the school. To fill in a little for Grand Head Master Farlen and assist with a few of the older, more talented students.”

Whist opened his eyes, but still did not look up, then without warning, he stretched out his wings and took off.

I groaned and launched myself off the branch after him. He was making his way towards the nests.

“I am glad you came to us about this particular matter. I think that you would make a very good teacher. I shall speak with Grand Head Master Farlen and see if we can continue to tutor you on the side.”

“Thank you Whist.” I remembered when I first met Whist; when I left school, I had been sent to be tutored with the birds. I had been in the same class as Whist and had sat down next to him. The birds school was a massive tree with the classes taking place on set branches. The higher up the school you were, the higher up the tree. Whist had always struggled in his class, but not as much as me. I had been the dunce of the class; I was first placed half-way up the tree and after a week I was at the bottom.

“Fin, you must remember who you are and what your responsibility is to your kind.”

I scowled again and flew a little away from Whist. “How do you know about that?”

“The Elders told me when I began to make friends with you.”

I clenched my fists, “Do any of the others know?”

“I think Cloudy knows.” He paused as I growled and dug my nails into my palms. “But I am sure it does not matter. Nobody is going to think any differently of you just because of your blood.”

“I know how much you birds consider breeding and rank important and you don’t even have anyone like me in your society!”

Whist flew closer and gave me a sympathetic look. “Your blood is purer than anyone you know in the Tree; perhaps it might make you some new friends.”

“I don’t want new friends Whist! If I wanted friends I would socialise with my own kind! I hate myself for being who I am and I wish I could just drain all off my blood away and rid myself of that stupid title!”

I clenched my jaw and dived straight down. I knew Whist wouldn’t bother to follow me when I was in this mood. I pulled up from my nosedive and opened my wings as I floated just above the ground below me. I was in the clearing where Halee’s sister had found me. I landed by the water and fell on my knees. I bent over with my head in my hands. Keeping my head on the ground, I pressed my palm to the ground and shot at it again and again pounding it with heat. Finally I stopped and sat up slowly. My face was streaked with tears and my glove was torn again. I pulled it off and was about to use magic without it on, but then thought better of it and closed my hand in a fist.

I heard the beating of wings and something landed behind me. I wasn’t sure if it was a bird or an Iriad but I couldn’t be bothered to look.

“Leave me alone!”

“Who are you?” A girl’s voice which I recognised from somewhere drifted to my ears.

“Ha! From the state of me now you would never guess!”

“Your Highn…”

“Don’t you EVER call me that. That cursed name!” I screamed at her.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know. Why are you out here again?”

“Why do you care? Wait, what do you mean, again?” I said, turning around to see who the girl was. “You?” I looked up at the girl. It was Halee’s sister.

“I am sorry… I just thought.”

“No, don’t worry. I’m in a weird mood today.” I stood up. I towered above her. When she was in the air, I couldn’t see how small she was. Now I saw she was only about nine or ten.

“My sister isn’t far behind; do you want to see her?”

“No, I...” I paused, “Actually, yes. I would like to see her. Where is she?”

“Over the lookout tree at the moment, she’s waiting for me to get back.”

“Could you give me a few minutes with her?”

“Sure.” She shrugged and took off. About halfway up the trees, she remembered herself and turned to bow. I nodded my head in return. As soon as she had disappeared over the edge of the clearing, I took off and headed towards the lookout post.

It wasn’t long before I caught sight of Halee, leaning against the trunk


~SishBee~
x
"We are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars."
-Oscar Wilde




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 13
oh, why did you stop like that? uh... I'm not too good with the editing and stuff let me see....umm... maybe add a little more discriptions? Like about the scenery and stuff. And maybe a little more of Fin's childhood....I think that's it.
"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." - Mark Twain




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 76
SishBee wrote:Kalyee flew with me to the ground nest and then left without even looking at me. I raised an eyebrow at her back but then shook my head and walked into the ground nest.


The repitition doesn't work well.

SishBee wrote:"I was wondering if you wanted to help out at the school.” I opened my mouth and then shut it again. “Farlen is getting too old to control the more powerful students, since you are by far the most powerful of all of us and the one with the most spare time, we thought you would be a suitable candidate.”


That just doesn't sound right. Getrid of the 'of us all' and it'll sound much better.

SishBee wrote:She blushed but then gathered herself and walked out of the ground nest calling back to him, “You start tomorrow. Have a good time!"



Get rid of the 'but' it'll sound better.

You repeat that too much.


I don't have enough time to finish the crit, but I will later. It's getting interesting, I want to read more and I want to know what happens next.

~ Shadowsun :D
Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes... Then who cares? You're a mile away and you've got their shoes.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 76
Ok, finishing the crit

SishBee wrote:
I sat still for a minute or two, thinking about what I had just got myself into. Then I shook my head and stood up.


Now, I'm being a bit picky, but it'll make it sound better in the end, 'what I'd gotten myself into' sounds much better in my opinion

Get rid of the then, it makes it sound a bit strange.


SishBee wrote:“No, don’t worry. I’m in a weird mood today.” I stood up. I towered above her. When she was in the air, I couldn’t see how small she was. Now I saw she was only about nine or ten.[


Towered over not above.

That's about it, I can't really find anything else wrong with it. It's a good story.

~ Shadowsun :D
Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes... Then who cares? You're a mile away and you've got their shoes.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 164
well... Shadow sun basicly took the whole story and... umm... never mind. But, tis good. :wink:

*whispers* I'm back. :twisted:

te he

~Pol
I used to rule the world, see it rise when I gave the word, now in the morning I sleep alone, sweep the streets I used to own

-Coldplay, Viva La Viva




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 76
My crits are only suggestions! You don't have to do what they say!

Maybe I should put that at the top of each one....

~ Shadowsun
Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes... Then who cares? You're a mile away and you've got their shoes.




User avatar
Gender Non-binary
Points 1979
Reviews 1176
Woah, Fin's a prince? A king? The ruler? Why doesn't he want to be whatever his title is, I wonder?

This was well written, but what I noticed is that you tend to use commas when you should use full stops. Like here:

SishBee wrote:I decided to ignore her, “So why did you ask me here?”



SishBee wrote:I smirked, “And you, of course, would know all about Airan and his little brother.”



SishBee wrote:I paused, “Actually, yes. I would like to see her. Where is she?”



See?


SishBee wrote:She blushed but then gathered herself and walked out of the ground nest calling back to him, “You start tomorrow. Have a good time!”


Him = I
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1419
Reviews 161
'Tis good. Sort out the grammer and 'tis good. 8)

(By the way, why does Fin hate being royalty or whatever he is.)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6235
Reviews 2631
I think this is my favourite part so far where your writing is concerned. Again, you need more descriptions but the interaction between your characters was good and the plot is advancing nicely. A few suggestions -

“I meant, I suppose it depends on what exactly you would consider to be good news.”

The bird's school was a massive tree with the classes taking place on set branches.

Altogether, I'm loving the introduction of the birds and it's an interesting piece.
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 5577
Reviews 672
Ooo I like how you move the plot so smoothly and swiftly. Seems like a conflict has happened already and I wanna see where this will lead. Like the others said, you need a bit more descriptions but that's a minor problem since I can picture this quite well.

Loving this. So simple and clean. Now for the last part. :D
"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."



Go and make interesting mistakes, make amazing mistakes, make glorious and fantastic mistakes. Break rules. Leave the world more interesting for your being here.
— Neil Gaiman