Friendship, Even Apart.

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"Growing up an only child can be lonely sometimes and I often think what life would be like if I had been blessed with a brother or a sister around to play with." - far too long a sentence to begin with. Split it at "and" and remove the conjunction. It is slghtly cliche here but I thnk it is too bad. The "around to play with" doesn't work, make it a separate clause or remove it.

"but I always had my friends right there beside me.
But there was one friend above all others " - two "but"s in a row, clumsy.

"we where there for each other threw thick and thin." - "were", "through". Again this is a little cliche, try adding a different way of expressing this.

"We even carved that into
the trunk of an apple tree on her old farm in Yamhill, Oregon." - some random line spacing here, needs fixing.

"We are to meet each other at that spot in about one hour." - sudden change into the present sounds odd, is it deliberate?

"I can’t help but to feel anticipation and excitement as it slowly courses threw my body," - "to" not needed and even without it sounds strange. Another cliche here, again, try making up different ways of saying things.

"Joyed to see a cherry red convertible parked just a few spans away." - "Joyed"? sounds strange even if it's a real word.

"seems to realize me for the first time" - you mean that she seems to realise that you are there for the first time.

"After what felt like an eternity
she immediately hops to her feet," - what? After an eternity is not immediately, I think you mean suddenly.

"It’s almost like we where turned back into children again" - "were", "turned back into" is not needed.

"our last moments where spent watching" - "were".

"The week we had planned to be together was cut short by Elayne's need to be in New York City by tomorrow night." - change the second "by" to "for", it reduces the repetition.

"We decided to talk about the present. Elayne was a successful businesswoman who had found her place in
this world." - more strange line spacing.

"I am a successful lawyer on the verge of becoming a judge with a family." - move "with a family" to earlier in the sentence, as it is it sounds as if the family comes with the job.

"So James," - comma after "so".

"Elayne said wryly, with a smirk" - redundant, remove "wryly" or "with a smirk".

"James said with a smile" - you can't switch to third person like this, you have to say "I". You do this throughout the whole paragraph.

"Im sure your family misses you" - "I'm".

"Elayne said sadly. “And now I must go, it's getting late and my flight leaves early. Im sure your family misses you.” Elayne said confidently" - you have "layne said" twice, it sounds bad. Just put, instead of the second one, "she spoke confidently".

"Elaynes eyes swelled with tears" - "Elayne's".

"a vein attempt at saying goodbye." - "vain".

"The sun finally set, casting brilliant colors around the tree, the shadows of the children playing seem to fade away slowly." - second comma should be a semi-colon.

You switch between pressent and past tense towards the end of the story, stick to one or the other.

This definitely has potential, as a short story it is good but it could be longer, more fully described. You include quite a few cliches, none of them glaringly obvious, but they still annoy me a little.

Good work.

Ofour wrote:"Growing up an only child can be lonely sometimes and I often think what life would be like if I had been blessed with a brother or a sister around to play with." - far too long a sentence to begin with. Split it at "and" and remove the conjunction. It is slghtly cliche here but I thnk it is too bad. The "around to play with" doesn't work, make it a separate clause or remove it.

"but I always had my friends right there beside me.
But there was one friend above all others " - two "but"s in a row, clumsy.

"we where there for each other threw thick and thin." - "were", "through". Again this is a little cliche, try adding a different way of expressing this.

"We even carved that into
the trunk of an apple tree on her old farm in Yamhill, Oregon." - some random line spacing here, needs fixing.

"We are to meet each other at that spot in about one hour." - sudden change into the present sounds odd, is it deliberate?

"I can’t help but to feel anticipation and excitement as it slowly courses threw my body," - "to" not needed and even without it sounds strange. Another cliche here, again, try making up different ways of saying things.

"Joyed to see a cherry red convertible parked just a few spans away." - "Joyed"? sounds strange even if it's a real word.

"seems to realize me for the first time" - you mean that she seems to realise that you are there for the first time.

"After what felt like an eternity
she immediately hops to her feet," - what? After an eternity is not immediately, I think you mean suddenly.

"It’s almost like we where turned back into children again" - "were", "turned back into" is not needed.

"our last moments where spent watching" - "were".

"The week we had planned to be together was cut short by Elayne's need to be in New York City by tomorrow night." - change the second "by" to "for", it reduces the repetition.

"We decided to talk about the present. Elayne was a successful businesswoman who had found her place in
this world." - more strange line spacing.

"I am a successful lawyer on the verge of becoming a judge with a family." - move "with a family" to earlier in the sentence, as it is it sounds as if the family comes with the job.

"So James," - comma after "so".

"Elayne said wryly, with a smirk" - redundant, remove "wryly" or "with a smirk".

"James said with a smile" - you can't switch to third person like this, you have to say "I". You do this throughout the whole paragraph.

"Im sure your family misses you" - "I'm".

"Elayne said sadly. “And now I must go, it's getting late and my flight leaves early. Im sure your family misses you.” Elayne said confidently" - you have "layne said" twice, it sounds bad. Just put, instead of the second one, "she spoke confidently".

"Elaynes eyes swelled with tears" - "Elayne's".

"a vein attempt at saying goodbye." - "vain".

"The sun finally set, casting brilliant colors around the tree, the shadows of the children playing seem to fade away slowly." - second comma should be a semi-colon.

You switch between pressent and past tense towards the end of the story, stick to one or the other.

This definitely has potential, as a short story it is good but it could be longer, more fully described. You include quite a few cliches, none of them glaringly obvious, but they still annoy me a little.

Good work.

Thank you for the awesome work! I corrected everything (I left a couple alone though, you can figure out why if you try hard enough)

This will, most likely, never be re-written. I might come back to it AGES later
and do some correcting, but that's it. All I ever wanted with this work is for it to become polished. You helped me with that and I thank you >< I will conclude by saying that 4am is a bad time to write anything heh.

"We use to write “James and Elayne best friends for life” on school desks even though it got us in trouble. We even carved that into the trunk of an apple tree on her old farm in Yamhill, Oregon." -This is a good, short way to show exactly how strong their bond was.

"I am a successful lawyer on the verge of becoming a judge with a family." -the sentence is too simple and boring. Change the wording.

"As I walk back to my car, amid the trees and foliage; I can’t help but reflect back on childhood one last time. I can almost see two shadows of children playing on the farm, dancing and yelling gaily as they circle the field and myself. The sun finally set, casting brilliant colors around the tree, the shadows of the children playing seem to fade away slowly.
The swings were still swinging in a dead wind and a new inscription held sway on the bark of the tree…

“James and Elayne for life, even apart.” -I must say any mistakes made earlier are now erased and made up for! great job!

“But we live so far apart.” James concluded, suddenly looking blue. “Yeah…” Elayne said sadly

Another paragraph should start when Elayne says "Yeah..." and the paragraph after this one should be connected to that Yeah. If that makes any sense at all =D

I liked the description you used when posting this, it made me smile. "Lighthearted tale of love and loss." almost contradicts itself. hehe.

Okay, now the story.

It was really short, but sweet. The perfect length for this. I love how you made it seem real without being everyday boring, and sad without overdone cliche-ness. Very well written.

Although, I wouldn't suggest posting your whole name here, seeing as you also post the exact city you live in. Just a little hint. Internet safety and all that jazz =D

So, good work, this was really good. Keep it up!
-JC

JCobsesed wrote:

“But we live so far apart.” James concluded, suddenly looking blue. “Yeah…” Elayne said sadly

Another paragraph should start when Elayne says "Yeah..." and the paragraph after this one should be connected to that Yeah. If that makes any sense at all =D

I liked the description you used when posting this, it made me smile. "Lighthearted tale of love and loss." almost contradicts itself. hehe.

Okay, now the story.

It was really short, but sweet. The perfect length for this. I love how you made it seem real without being everyday boring, and sad without overdone cliche-ness. Very well written.

Although, I wouldn't suggest posting your whole name here, seeing as you also post the exact city you live in. Just a little hint. Internet safety and all that jazz =D

So, good work, this was really good. Keep it up!
-JC

I am not concerned with internet safety. I can handle myself ><
Thanks for all the awesome comments!

Nice! I loved the ending. It had a very sweet story/plotline, and told in a unique method. Here are my doubts:

The character speak as if they are in a fantasy story. "And now I must go." It makes them more flat and two dimensional than say, "I got to go now." It is less formal for such friends to speak and thus more believable.

Also, your voice is frustrating. It sounds as if he is reflecting on the meeting, even though the beginning is much more different and random.

Othewise, it was fascinating.