Love this piece! It seems futuristic with the selling of babies, but when you think about it, its only a short step away from buying sperm and such from sperm banks. The detached tone works great, but it is a little confusing as to why the baby has been rejected from other agencies and the mothers resulting outburst. But its fantastically written, great drive!
Assuming you were serious about the publisher part, is the baby a book?
>.< That didn't come out right. What I meant to ask, was if she symbolized a book. Cool if she does, forget all about me if she isn't.
And her tongue! And we can chop her tongue and she wouldn't be able to cry.
I know this is your character and that she's slightly hysterical at the moment, but maybe you should get rid of the second 'and'?
Her cheeks were rosy and as she looked at the main, a smile crept on her face and she let out a coo.
Man
That's pretty much all I caught. Slightly disturbing piece if you ask me. Interesting ending. I'm still stuck on the baby being a book, the mom being a writer, and the man being a publisher, so I don't get the ending. If I step out of that, though, It's not confusing, but interesting.
WOW! Snoink, you really blew me away! That was terribly sad, and I wanted to beat the mum over the head with a fish. I'll be looking for more of your work.
-Evang
Break the boundaries, hunt the hunter, and leave me a tip.
----to kill or not to kill
I'm pretty new to the forums here, but this is by far the best thing I have read. Wow. The premise is great. The dialog as well. I wish I could write as well as you. I do think that you could have had a description of the room that was more than just mentioning that there were credentials on the wall. This story is the perfect length as well. Just long enough to get the message across and enthrall the reader. There aren't any words in the story that don't need to be. The way the doctor and the mother interact is so chilling as well. The ending, not that I couldn't see it coming given the title, but I liked it. That is one thing I would change. The title. I think that it is important. And if the baby is a book, well that's cool too, I suspected it a bit as I read it, but I didn't really think about it much until i read some of the comments on the piece. I think that it could be made a bit more clear if the baby is a book. Otherwise most people won't see it like that and will instead think that this is some sort of dis-topia kind of story. Either way, I love it. Good job.
My dear, you make critiquing difficult, with how well you write.
The only thing I found - excepting those already mentioned was in this line.
"“Quiet.” The man stroked the baby’s head, letting his fingers get tangled in his downy fuzz. “She’s really beautiful.” "
The second "his" should be "her" ^^
I love the meaning of it, and how detached the entire thing felt. I almost feel like I was looking down on this woman as I read it. Very well done, dear, as always.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
I like you as an enemy, but I love you as a friend.
This piece lacked action, but this turned out to be an advantage for something that tackles such a tricky issue. You didn't make it too emotionally charged.
You could improve the description in the first few lines by eliminating the 'was/were' verbs. E.g. "she was satisfied"; "he knew she was intimidated." This seems somewhat glib. SHOW us her satisfaction and her intimidation, don't TELL us plainly.
Overall, you have done well to make such a sublimely interesting piece. Good start. 7/10
