Two Rats: A Short Story Of Injustice

Wrote this awhile ago, what do you think?

Er, I'm supposed to show you this, not tell you, but I'm still working on it. Um, in a cosy little burrow two rats were fantasizing about writing. Their voices low and relaxed, one english rat to another.
Krinktail was in a big, comfy chair musing and talking to his friend Bentclaw, who was wandering around with a piece of cookie. The room was dim, yet cosily lit with a soft glow.
Bentclaw eased himself down into a chair next to a desk and commented to Krinktail.

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Two Rats: A Short Story Of Injustice

“Hey Krinktail, suppose we write a story, what are we going to write about?”
Krinktail looked up at Bentclaw. “Well… I think we should write about rats.”

“You know, I think that’s a great idea! The rats can be the good guys and lets have, oh, how about a pig for a bad guy?”

Krinktail thought for a second. “I like that idea. You know, why are rats always the bad guys? I mean, it’s not right, rats should be the heroes sometime.”

“You’ve got a point there, well our story will have the rats as the heroes. Then we’ll publish it and everyone will buy it and know that’s rats are great to. And we’ll be rich.”

Krinktail thought for another few seconds, he was the deep thinker of the two. “The pig would be a good bad guy because they always seem to be the good guys. You know, like Babe.

“Hmm, ah never thought about that, well I’ll go get the type writer and we’ll write our story.

A short while later Bentclaw came back with the typewriter and set it on their desk. Krinktail sat down to write while Bentclaw looked over his shoulder. Bentclaw, for obvious reasons, never had been one for writing of any sort.
And so their story began.

Once upon a time there lived two rats named Krinkletail and Bentyclaw, who lived in a barn.

Bentclaw spoke up. “I like the names, but why do they live in a barn?”
Krinktail had an answer ready, “because that’s where pigs live.”
“Ah, makes sense.”
Krinktail began typing again.

They lived up in the loft, and below them lived the pig.
But this was no ordinary pig; this was a bad pig. He ate everything and snuffled and grunted a lot.

Bentclaw shivered, got some cheese and a blanket, and sat down next to Krinktail again.

So one day the rats made a plan to catch the pig. They made a harness hooked up to a rope, put the rope over a roof beam and, attached the rope to some weight right next to the edge of the loft, that could easily be pushed off. Then they laid a trail of corn that led into their harness and waited for the pig.

“Clever.” Said Bentclaw.

And sure enough, along came the pig snuffling and grunting and eating the corn trail. And when it stepped into the trap, the rats leapt up and pushed the weight off the loft and the pig was caught in the harness and hauled right into the air.
Then the rats were heroes because all the other animals in the barn didn’t have to worry anymore about the pig shoving them and eating their food. And they lived happily… that is until the farmer came and let the pig down.

“Oh! Of all the horrid things to happen!” said Bentclaw.

So the rats knew they would have to think of a better way to catch the pig. And they did, but you’ll have to read the next chapter to find out that.

Krinktail stopped typing.
“Whadja stop typin’ for? I want to know what happens next!”

“Well you’ll have to wait a day or two, because I don’t know what their next plan is either.”

“Oh dear,” said Bentclaw. “I’m not sure I can wait that long…(curtain)… what if they catch the farmer so he can’t let the pig down?”

“Brilliant!” said Krinktail. (sounds of typing)

Then the rats had a new idea, they would catch the farmer so he couldn’t release the pig! So they did, and then they caught the pig again and lived happily.

Bentclaw was a bit skeptical. “I think you might have to expand that a little.”
“I’m working on it.” Said Krinktail slightly offended.

I LOL'd more then once. Seen the trailer for Ratatoille? Looks good, eh? (and I'm not saying that just because the rat's named after my favorite stew)

My only few gripes on the story are this:

1: You're telling us to PICTURE the scene. Okay, rule #ONE for a good writer: SHOW us, don't TELL us. (Don't go down the Paolini path! I won't let you!)
This applies to anything and everything within the world of writing.

2: Lack of punctuation.
Sumi's been in grammar nazi mood recently, buck Nick is seriously put-off by the lack of natural punctuation. (Using a coma/apostrophe (I'm ALWAYS getting them confused, I swear....) when you would naturally breathe whilst speaking the sentence aloud)


Other then those, LOL! 'Twas easy to picture, reminded me of some of Cluney's henchmen. xD

~Sumi

Uh... sorry for telling

What is the Paolini path?

Yeah, I want to see Ratatoille! It looks funny.

I guess I do have a lot of commas, but I put them in because I imagined them talking slowly, and thoughtfully, with gaps in their talk, very unhurried.

Thanks for the crit and comments!

(I welcome more )

Hey Ratchet. This was a pretty good one. Made me laugh, anyway. Maybe I'm just easy?

You know, like Babe.

You forgot your end speech marks there.

well I’ll go get the type writer and we’ll write our story.

And there again lol.

on it.” Said Krinktail slightly offended.

And that sentance just had issues lol.

Anyway, this was pretty cool. I want to read the next part of the rat's story. Is that odd? xD Tell me if there's going to be mroe lol.

-Mat

Hey, RatchetWriter!

It's true- rats get quite a bit of bad press. That's why I liked this story...it was very original, and I liked that the rats were talking about who to pick as the bad guy. Poor writers, right?

Since I'm kind of picky about dialogue, here are a few tips:

ENGLISH LESSONS: British English- like American English- has a lot of different dialects. For example, here, we've got our Southerners, our Texans, our Joisey Gals, our App'lachuns, our Midwaiiiiissterners...and don't forget Meenesoootans. And the Brahnx. Don't forget the Brahnx.

Anyway, I was reading this really excellent book- "Talk to the Hand", by Lynne Truss- and she was on a rant about how Americans like to romanticize the way British people speak. She said something (I won't quote, since I don't exactly remember it) about how Jerry Springer arrived in London and was shocked when someone dropped the f-bomb. Her comment was something along the lines of: "It was like he expected us to talk like Mary Poppins."

And Hugh Grant, on Renee Zelleweger's dialect coaching for Bridget Jones' Diary: "Princess Margaret showed up to our readings...bloody posh."

Like we've got here, in Britain there's your Northern and Southern accents, Queen's English, and the all-too-famous Cockney, among others. British people, although alien and frightening and terribly un-American, talk like real people. Shocker? I thought so. That's why I kind of braced myself for a bumpy ride when you asked us to imagine your rats talking in "English tones". It's like that Kellog's commercial- "'Ello, Guv'na!"- that makes me cringe every time I hear it.

My suggestion for you? Watch BBC America. My personal favorites are "Whose Line" and "My Family", but there are dramas and such as well- I've heard "Robin Hood" is good, and that "Footballers Wives" is a amazingly cheesy. Well, you don't always win, right?

Write down a few snatches that you like diacritically- that is, die-uh-crit-i-cul-ee. Watch where people put emphasis, and what kinds of adverbs and sentence types British people use that we don't.

And please, please, please, do not start with 'ey'.

___

Good story, RatchetWriter! Feel free to PM me if you've got any questions or want me to take a look at something else.

'Ello Sam. I bet that SOO annoys you, sorry, how very mean I am.

Anyway. Thank you for the crit, I'm late responding, oh well.

Grr, I never get to the subject. Ahem, this I intrestedly (is that even a word ) read your crit, and I understand the need to get my dialogue real. However it isn't particularly meant to be real. I know some english people and they don't all talk like that.

Anyway the point I'm getting at is that I wrote this story with the wrong dialogue on purpose, because it's a short story, I'm not planning on publishing, and I thought people might like it.

Oh dear, I'm not exactly saying what I mean here.
The story is supposed to be read with that type of dialogue in mind. Regardless of how real life goes. (hey, that wasn't so hard to say)

For your sake I shall change 'Ey at the begining however.

And I can't really go watch those shows you suggested even if I wanted to. We get like three channels, and two of them are fuzzy. (but personally I like DVDs)

I'll be sure to inform you on other storys. (I mean, who can resist crits?)

One in particular, but I have to edit it first.

Thanks Again!