Untitled - Chapter One - Part One

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Please give me suggestions for a title if you can. I have cut this chapter into two parts because it is kind of in two scenes and I wasn't sure to make the second part into another chapter or not.
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Liquid spears shot from the silver smudges in the dull grey sky. The ground shook from the almighty booms, caused by the golden tridents of the Gods. Mountainous lilac waves formed before shattering onto the yellow sand. A fierce battle between the sky and the earth. That earth admitting defeat, surrendered, its white flag in the form of a tree engulfed in blood red flames.

Eventually, the sky accepting the surrender of the weak, defenceless, earth pulled back its attack, waiting for the next opportunity to fight. The savage ocean, an old ally of the sky, also saw the burning tree and accepted the fragile truce, slowly returning to its usual ways, small ripples licking at the shore and the old crumbling cliff face.

It was an ancient battle witnessed by everyone, but its shear destruction and strength still amazed most, especially Laynox. Laynox had been sat by his window overlooking Trinken Bay, gazing wide eyed at the storm, his mouth open in awe. The heavy pounding of the rain had woken him and the power of the war had hypnotised Laynox, holding his gaze until the very last drop of rain, the final crashing wave of destruction. He had watched many storms but none quite as dangerous as that.

The people of Trinken and the other villages on the island of Trind had feared storms for half a decade. It was the perfect time for the Zamshkan to attack, the thunder drowned out the drumming of the wings and the cries of the victims, whilst the heavy rain blurred out the glowing red eyes and the bright white scales. The Zamshkan had been attacking the island of Trind every time there was a storm, which was very often on what most people called The Stormy Isle. In total, over the five years of constant attacks, about 700 people had been taken. No one knew what happened to them, but everyone knew they would never be seen again.

As the dark clouds slowly blew to the east, over the ocean to the mainland, and the glowing moon briefly reappeared in the sky, Laynox stood, pulled on an old bearskin coat, and started for the door. He stepped into the cold of the night and was relieved to see that the Zamshkan hadn’t taken his older brother, Akkarn, during the storm. Laynox’s worst fear was that Akkarn would be abducted, the rest of his family already had and he didn’t know how he would cope without Akkarn. “I’m glad you’re alright! I started to panic when you didn’t come home. I thought they had taken you,” Laynox said wearily.

“No, I was with Zizanda. I thought it would be safer to stay there than going out into the storm. Are you going to the village hall? I am on reception duty, as usual. I just came back to check on you and get a coat.”

“Yes, I was just going to the hall. It was a bad storm! I hope they didn’t take too many people.”

“Aye,” Akkarn said as he entered the house. He came back out with a bear skin coat similar to the one Laynox was wearing. “Let’s go.”

As the two fur clad brothers marched towards the centre of Trinken the drenched mud squelched beneath their old boots. Strong wind whipped at their ankles and ruffled Laynox’s already ruffled blonde hair. His eyes gleamed as the full moon peaked through the clouds. Laynox’s right eye was brown and his left blue, the same as Akkarn’s, and their fathers. No one knew why but all of the males in his family had one brown and one blue eye.

At the end of the short, silent walk into the village both of the young men went immediately to the busy village hall. Akkarn ran his hand through his short black hair, preparing himself for the mighty task ahead. He walked to the large solid oak table at the end of the long hall, set himself in the matching chair behind it and yelled, “Right, you all know the drill. Please register with me or Ajobé,” he gestured to the elderly man next to him, “and if you know for certain of any missing people, please tell us, it makes our lives so much easier.”

A young beautiful woman pushed her way to the table, tears streaming down her face. Loud sobs escaped her mouth and echoed throughout the room. “Akkarn, I – I can’t find – Aleba anywhere,” the woman cried out, “She was only nine months! Why would they – Why take her? They normally leave the young.” The desperation in her voice was obvious.

Laynox looked at his brother in a way that said, “I told you so!”

“I’m sorry for your loss,” Akkarn replied, scribbling down her name onto one register and her baby daughters name onto another register. “We actually received news from Ma-Chi after the last storm saying that two babied were taken. I truly am sorry for your loss, Minthy.”




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Hmmm, well the idea behind this was certainly intriguing and creative. The grammar and spelling could be improved as there were quite a few mistakes I saw in this. Some of it read awkwardly too, such as the first paragraph. It was unclear at first if a white flag was flown that had a burning tree on it or just a burning tree. Also, the dialogue could be improved so that it sounds more realistic than it currently does. I'm not sure that I like the names you used a lot, as they were too typical of something in a fantasy story. However, all that aside, this was definitely a good beginning! I like the detail you used and how you tried to make the readers feel as though they were there. (Oh yes, and half of a story is a title, soooo, this could use a title to attract more people to it!)




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So this is what I saw.

In the first paragraph where it talks about the Gods, that g should really be uncapitalized. I don't know maybe it's me...but I'm pretty sure that the little g goes with the gods you are trying to describe.

Secondly:

Laynox had been sat by his window overlooking Trinken Bay, gazing wide eyed at the storm, his mouth open in awe.


Ok so on this one you could do something like... Laynox had been sitting by his window overlooking Trinken.... It's just a grammar issue there.

Also I think you should write out the numbers in your writing, ex. 700 people. If you wrote that out instead it would look more...professional. I think that's it.

Over all it did seem interesting. Pm me when more comes out! Oh yeah...title... um if I knew more of what it was going to be about I could try to help you with it. Pm me or whatever.
"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." - Mark Twain




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Hey,

I think you need to flesh out a longer, more involved chapter, bring everything together. Cause this is just a taste.

Hope this helps,
Cal.
Fraser: Stop stealing the blanket.
[Diefenbaker whines]
Fraser: You're an Arctic Wolf, for God's sake.
(Due South)

Hatter: Do I need a reason to help a pretty girl in a very wet dress? (Alice)

Got YWS?




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You certainly have a lot going for you--your ability to connect with the reader is well developed.

This is where you should STOP.

Stop writing descriptively and start thinking about *how* you're writing. You've made about a bazillion mistakes, most of which could have been avoided and can be easily corrected. I noticed that you had problems with the following things:

- tense (past, present, future)
- grammar (spelling, puncuation, etc.)
- sentence formation (fragments)

Being capable of such amazing ideas (it was, by the way, an amazing idea) is only half the battle. If you can't manage to look out for all of these things, your writing will count for little to nothing. They're very important!

Don't let other people correct your work 100% of the time--go back and correct it yourself. This is the quickest way to learn your mistakes and be conscious of making them as you write. I'm not saying to avoid critiques, mind you; they can be invaluable for smoothing out the wrinkles.

I hope this helps! :]

- aisho

P.S. I'll need to see quite a bit more about to story to think up a title ... I like my titles to be in reference to something the reader won't discover for quite a while, like a little teaser. Maybe that helps?
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