"Double Dad"--- chapter 5

Watch out for the bad word

CLAUDETTE'S NIECE

"I thought you said she was in here."
Rick's latest girlfriend stood in the doorway to the spare room. My gaze was removed from Rick's face and now bore into the woman's face. Her hair was wild and bushy, her lipstick was faded and she had a pimple in the valley of her chin. But now was no time to judge.

"What?!" Rick bellowed. "Where the fuck is my daughter?"
He stared at me, rage flaring in his eyes. I knew what he was capable of, and fear flowed through me, turning my blood into dust.

"But, what, um, I" I stammered. Clenching my fists and shutting my eyes, I pulled myself together, calmed down, and tried again.

"She should be there. It was the last place I saw her, and she didn't seem in a hurry to move."

Rick stormed off and entered the room. He was searching for some sign of his daughter. I followed him, praying he didn't damage the expensive cupid statue in there.

When I walked into the room, I saw him sitting on the freshly made bed and crisp sheets with a piece of lightly pinked paper in his hands. The paper was folded in half and was labeled in Corrie's handwriting "everyone". I sat next to Rick, with the woman watching, still in the doorway. Rick opened the paper.

You really like suspence don't you? You do it well, so that's a good thing =D

As with chapter four, this one showed a lot more emotion to the characters. It just gets better and better. =D

I can't wait for the next chapter! Keep up the great work!
-JC

Seriously? O_O Another cliffhanger? You're killing me here. xD But this was good. I'm starting to imagine it like one of those soap opera tihngs where they always have the ad breaks at the worst (best?) times.

I'll go wait for the next part.

Okay *puts on rubber gloves* lets critique!

My gaze was removed from Rick's face and now bore into the woman's face.

Removed sounds like someone else did it. Maybe 'switiched' or a synonym of it would work.

Her hair was wild and bushy, her lipstick was faded and she had a pimple in the valley of her chin.

This is an awesome sentence. It has great imagery and is a brilliant description but I reckon you could improve its flow by just deleting that word 'was'. It works in the first sentence but not in the second. You don't really need it after all because it's implied in the list.

"What?!" Rick bellowed. "Where the fuck is my daughter?"

... found the naughty word!

I knew what he was capable of, and fear flowed through me, turning my blood into dust.

Oh wow. Just wow. It's brilliant. Love the imagery. You have a talent for it.

When I walked into the room, I saw him sitting on the freshly made bed and crisp sheets with a piece of lightly pinked paper in his hands.

These two bits are both saying the same thing but it's such a good sentence I'd like to try and sort it out:
When I walked into the room, I saw him sitting on the crisp sheets of a freshly made bed with a piece of lightly pinked paper in his hands.
And for the books? The 'piece of lightly pinked paper' is perfect.


Conclusion? Brilliant. It has awesome mood. Your description of the characters is so natural and stylistic that I don't think I could do it that well. Your vivid use of imagery is well-placed and very fitting. I think I have to read the rest now. The cliff-hanger worked well, maybe consider writing a bit more in one go?

DarkLight

Oooh!! More cliffhanger endings!!! Argh!

OK, this was good, but a bit too short....

The last paragraph was very good, it held the piece together.

Keep it up,
Alainna
xxxxxxxx

XD sorry guys, I dont intentionally make cliff-hangers, they just happen.

You evil person! I want to know what the letter says! Oh well, I suppose I'll find out soon enough. I still think the chapters need to be longer, and you need to put more emotion into them. I make the same mistake.

You're a great writer though, keep it up!

Cliff hangerer by nature, fun.

Love it, running to read the next ones