Blaze

Mary awoke to the smell of fumes, the taste of smoke. She could hear the sirens in the distance, but couldn't focus on them. Her head pounded.

She opened her mouth to scream, but couldn't. She rolled out of bed and onto the floor, coughs racking her fragile body. The fumes filled her throat and she panicked.

Using the headboard of her bed as a support, Mary stood. She could barely see anything through the wall of smoke. But she knew the house, and staggered for the bedroom door.

A yelp escaped Mary when she stubbed her toe on a dresser. The smoke once again cut off her air, and she restrained the urge to scream and curse. Keep your mouth shut, she thought. Keep your mouth shut, and keep going. She came to the stairs and groaned inside. The smoke had filled the entire house, and flames danced across all of the bottom floor. Could those stairs still be safe? She paused. But anything would have to be safer than staying here!

She put one foot gently on the first step, testing it, before putting her full weight upon it. It creaked, but held firm. So she continued downwards. One hand was on the banister, guiding her downwards, and the other draped loose folds of her nightgown over her mouth, preventing the smoke from choking her. It was slow progress. Mary couldn't see far beyond her, and every time she dropped down another step she felt a sickening lurch in her stomach. As she went lower, the temperature continued to rise. But nothing deterred her.

By her estimates Mary was only six steps from the bottom. But she couldn't be sure. She was starting to feel dizzy. A burning plank of wood fell from the roof, and she watched its descent. Mary felt the heat as it came down on her face.

It obscured the two steps in front of Mary. And as she looked on, the flames licked the rug that was on the stairs. The mat caught fire, and the tongues of flame came towards her. At the last second she jumped, hoping to clear the staircase.

Her hopes were in vain. Mary landed awkwardly, her legs spread wide. The fire raced for her legs, and she swayed when it burned her feet. She let her hand fall from the banister, and began to run. But she soon slipped, and her hand plunged into the flames. She moaned through her sealed lips.

The stairs began to creak more noticeably, and she knew they would soon give way. In a last, desperate attempt she ran, and finally made her way off the stairs. The passage to freedom was in the next room. Mary moved slowly, avoiding the flames, and the creaking of the floor. But she couldn't keep them all at bay. The bottom of her nightgown was beginning to smolder.

After what seemed like an agonisingly long journey, she came to the front door. And her heart sank.

The front door was gone, devoured by the starving flames. But that wasn't the worst part; far from it. The doorway itself was filled with flames.

She closed her eyes for a moment, mentally preparing herself. Then she began her sprint for the door. Flames scalded her feet, but she paid them no heed. Her flesh shrivelled and her head ached, but Mary kept running. The consequences if she didn't would be all consuming - literally.

Waves of heat roared from the doorway. Mary felt them wash over her, and nearly fainted. She lost speed. Mary tried to put on a last second burst, and made her leap of faith.

She flew, screaming, through the wall of flames. The agony took hold as she was burned. Mary escaped to the sight of a fire engine pulling up beside her house. She looked down to see her gown on fire, and threw herself to the ground.

Mary writhed on the grass, still screaming. She fainted just as she felt a man take her in his arms.

Okay, so this is a story I wrote completely out of the blue. It's only the first half. I would have posted it as one, but the next part completely changes tact lol. It's a bit crude right now, but I hope it'll get better. Anyway, tell me what you think.

Hmmm, pretty good so far. I love fire, so I found this story very enjoyable.

I would have expected Mary to be panicking more because of the fire. She seemed to acknowledge the fire and then start going down the stairs rather emotionlessly. You say her head pounded and such, but comments like 'but she knew the house' detract from the tension of the scene. Would Mary honestly be seeing it that way when there is a fire? Also, I think making the sentences more fast-paced, less pondering and intuitive and more panicking would convey the mood to the reader better. That and using more frantic verbs (for instance you say the the heat emanated - why not say the heat roared or some more hectic verb?) will help this.

I have a few nitpicks if you don't mind.

A yelp escaped Mary when she stubbed her toe on a dresser. The smoke once again cut off her air, and she restrained the urge to scream and curse.

I think saying 'a yelp escaped Mary's lips' would make that first sentence smoother. And if the smoke cuts off her air, she wouldn't really be restraining herself from screaming; she would be able to scream.

In all, a good start. I anticipate reading the entire, edited thing. Keep writing and PM me if you have any questions.

Thanks for that WD. I'll fix some of it now. probably a bit too tired to do it all. xD Although, if you liked that, you might not like the next part. It's pretty much just a conversation lol. Which I need to work on before putting up...

You said I can be blunt so... I will: I didn't like it.

But! I can entirely back up that claim, and hopefully you can fix that problem and make it better

The problem: I didn't care about Mary. Not one bit. What do I care if she lives/dies/burns a lot and then lives and it's sad because she's scared? xD The point is: I don't know, and cannot relate to, Mary. I don't care about her at all. You just jumped right into her house being on fire, and yes, like WD said, she seemed rather calm.

I'm not entirely sure how you could find a way to get us to care about Mary. The way you started was meant to be sudden, and shocking, and a hook, but for me it was the total opposite. Maybe if you started with a scene from her childhood, with fire, and she has a serious fear of fire and burning because of that traumatic event? And then: her house is on fire. Not only will we know more about Mary (because right now all I know is that she's very calm during a fire!) but it'll bring out her own fear in a stronger way, because she's terrified of fire.

That was probably the biggest problem I found. The writing wasn't that bad, but it didn't do much for me. I'm not sure *what* needs to be fixed with the writing in general though XD I think the lack of Mary's character development just killed the whole thing...

But I'm still curious to see what this part two is about.

Hope I helped! Happy editing.

I thought it was pretty good... I just have a few nitpicks.

At the very beginning, Mary seems uncertain and not entirely awake. After the first paragraph, though, she seems to be able to think clearly. Having woken up in a panic before, I can tell you that your thoughts aren't always lucid, and you can only concentrate on your goal -- in this case, getting out -- and not on superfluous things like, "Are the stairs safe?" I think she'd be flying down those stairs instead of testing them carefully as she should. Also, the description of her jumping confused me a bit. I had thought she had jumped the final two stairs, but then you described her as running down the rest of the stairs... Oh, wait, I see. Okay. I read it wrong, I suppose.

Also, with the piece that falls down, you said the heat falls on her face, but it sounds like the piece falls on her face. I also think you should focus more on the pain of the flames, since she seems to get burned quite a lot.

I think it's fairly good, it just needs to be intensified a bit more. Still, it's a hard scene to write, and I think you did well.

At first, the general sentence pattern seemed to be "Mary" or "she" followed by a verb. This becomes redundant and tired after a while, so try changing it up every now and then. On a similar note, the word "flames" is used quite often. I know that you're describing a fire, and the previous sentence is rather obvious, but try to describe the fire in more than one word, and it won't become so tired a phrase.

To me, Mary seems to be too calm to be running through a burning building. She seems to think very slowly to make sure and keep her mouth shut, and takes the time to test the stairs, and takes the time to think how far she is from the bottom, when I'd think she'd be running out the door as fast as she could.

I'm also curious as to why the fireman would hold her in his arms while she seems to be on fire.

I like the idea of this, that the story starts with someone running out of a burning building. It is an exciting way to begin, but it doesn't seem to lead into much else, and I'm not yet sure if you have a reason for beginning the story with a fire, or if it was just something to get the reader interested right away.

I don't really know if I like it, or if I just don't care to like it. Meaning: I didn't develop any feelings for Mary.

The problem was that, if the character has no feelings, neither will the reader. Sure, Mary was probably scared, but it wasn't shown. She was probably in pain, but it did nothing to her emotionaly. Physical pain affects emotional well-being.

That was the one thing that could take this story from mediocre, to really good. I'll read the second part, but please, put more feeling into Mary.
-JC

Thanks for all the crits guys. By the sounds of it, I just need to work on Mary as a person, and her actions might make more sense.

And I do admit, if I was panicking, I would just try to run. Actually, I'd probably just trip and fall, but either way. I could probably cut out a lot of the staircase stuff. By the sounds of it, it can be quite confusing.

Okay, so I'll get onto doing this soon, and I might add a childhood part for you Clau. Thanks, guys.