"Double Dad" chapter 4

XD heaps of people have told me they want to know who's at the door, its so funny. THE SUSPENSE MUST BE KILLING YOU!

Truth be told its not a great surprise.

Ive finished chapter 7 so I'm trying to race through these tiny paragraph chapters to get to something longer.


RICKS GIRL

Her eyes were large with shock at the sight of me. Big blue jewels framed with thick mascara-dressed eyelashes. Blond hair pulled back into a neat bun on the top of her head. Claudette hadn't changed.

"Don't look so surprised to see me." I told her. "I'm here for what's mine."

I took my arm down from its resting place against the door frame, fixed my posture and allowed myself into the home of Little-Miss-Perfect. Marge followed like a Jack Russell desperate for adventure. The hall we walked into was decorated with rich paintings and floral vases, and all I could think was how quickly I had to free Corrie from this prison.

"Corrie!" I called out.
Claudette hurried after me.
"Please Rick, leave." she begged me. But I kept searching.
"Where is she?" I asked. I was starting to feel nauseous being in this House and Garden after home.
"Rick, she's staying here with me, OK?"
"Where is she?!" I yelled. How stupid is this woman?
Claudette sighed, then pointed to a white door further down the hall. Marge ran ahead of me, toward the door. Claudette held me back. I turned to face her.
"Please, I'm begging you," she pleaded. "She's been through enough."
"What do you think I'm going to do?" I asked her in a tone that told her she had no right to say what she did.

We stared at each other for quite a while, until Marge said something that made my heart sink and my blood curdle.

Gah! cliff hanger!

I think you can comvine the two chapter easily. I like the first person view too. It keeps me in touch with each character. And the characters do indeed have differences in speech which helps keep them seperate in your POV.

Nice.

Ok, I'm starting to understand now. It's good the way you started them out separate, told a little bit about each of them and brought them together. I can't wait to see what she said!!!

Grrr. You're like, the master of cliffhangers. Even if it turns out it might not even be all that important, you build up the suspense. So, that's really cool.

I must be losing my touch. Couldn't find any mistakes really. I had another look through, but still nothing. Probably just wondering what she said. So, hurry up with the next part! =O

-Mat

I like how you change the voice, it gives a good insight into each characters thoughts without like saying that you are changing the point of view, its rather swanky!

And yes like Mat said, you are the master of cliffhangers!

All the best,
Meevs
x

Marge followed like a Jack Russell desperate for adventure.

Who's Marge?

"Where is she?!" I yelled. How stupid is this woman?

Going back to what I've said in an earlier chapter, tenses. Yelled, and is. Past, and present.

Ahh! This is the cliffhanger of all cliffhangers! Very very good!

There's a lot more emotion in this chapter than I've seen, and I must say, it's very good. You have a good grasp at human nature, and it shows even more when you add more reality to your characters!

*can't wait to get to chapter 5..*
-JC

Marge, check chapter 2

Yeah I have a problem with tenses XD

This was another good piece. I love your cliffhanger endings!

This confused me:

I was starting to feel nauseous being in this House and Garden after home.

Were you trying to prove a certain point by capitalizing...or did I just miss the meaning completely??

Good writing, can't wait for more!!
Alainna
xxxxxx

House and Garden is a magazine

Longer than the last chapter, but still short. I hope the next chapter is from Corrie's POV. I really enjoy reading about each different person, because they're all so different.