"Adieu," Spat Between Sheets (...Rinse; Repeat)

Your draped arms frame mine:
(alive with bedside fallacies)
the perfect picture of tragedy.
Haunting eyelid pantomime--
(To forget to forgive Christianity)
--Strung with your form, I dreamt to see.

In between prayers, knelt to tell,
and resounding electromagnetic bell;
I shudder to live and choke to breathe
in my sweetly comatose apathy.

Whispered to tell, or just to miss?
(relieving yourself of ill-earned trust)
I've got to say; I just love to lust.
Trickled through membrane, cloven tongue kiss
(exhale your sorrow; lead carbon sheath)
One always to live, never to breathe.

No comments at all?!?

-jabs finger at sub-title-

Okay, okay, I'll do it, lol. But beware! Usually I try to critique things with no posts, so if you put a comment too soon, I won't critique it as fast.

Anyway! The poem!

Your style is very... random. That is, it looks like you want to say something, but instead of being blatantly obvious, you go for subtlety. Maybe even too much so. I can understand wanting to hide it to give the readers something to chew on, but at the moment it's much too random.

Okay. For the first stanza, it seems like you're too full with your ability to use adjectives. Let's look at the adjectives!

Your draped arms frame mine
(alive with bedside fallacies)
the perfect picture of tragedy.
Haunting eyelid pantomime
(To forget to forgive Christianity)
in my sweetly comatose apathy.

Wow! That's a lot of adjectives! The next question is, if I took away all the adjectives, would the content still be good? Let's see!

Your arms frame mine
(alive with fallacies)
the picture of tragedy.
eyelid pantomime
(To forget to forgive Christianity)
in my apathy.

The first thing I notice? This version is a lot cleaner. In fact, I actually like this version since it doesn't try to impress with fancy words and rather gets to business quickly. Next thing I notice that the last couple of lines depend completely on adjectives and when you take them away, they don't make sense. DON'T do this. Adjectives are meant to support verbs and nouns, not the other way around.

That's my favorite stanza. The rest of it tries to impress but fails to communicate what you mean.

Egads, harshness. Oh well. I think you have a tough skin.

Good luck!

I don't think the repetition works so well in this one -- sometimes you hit it with the repetition, but in this case the refrain is kind of wordy; it sounds like the sort of thing that works great in lyrics but doesn't translate as well to poetry. Part of it is the "ly" sounds over and again, and the fact that I don't like adverbs unless they're necessary. Comatose is a great word but the repetition takes away its power.

In some places the adjectives work - "cloven tongue kiss" needs them, and it's a good phrase - and taking out some extra ones will highlight the places where the description becomes more key.

Ed -


Snoink has hit the problem on the head--this has no abstraction in it, no universalization that makes your readers care or empathize with the N. Or rather, in dealing only with abstract images that have no reality, no concrete story behind them, you can't abstract anything--abstract images do not provide the space of abstraction.

The problem is that the poem as it stands is simply far too slight to elicit more than recognition. That's equivalent to failure.


Best,
Brad

i think its so complex it seems like you are just trying maybe too hard? and thus, it cant really make me feel anything at all. i like some of your word choice though, i guess you have a good vocab anyways!

It doesn't make any sense to me. There's not really a form to it, and it's very...random. Usually i get a lot of emotion from poetry, but I didn't get anything from this one. You definitly have a good vocabulary though!

Best of luck! ~Bella~

I'm not so sure that I agree with removing all the adjectives from this piece but it wouldn't hurt to take out a few. Your imagery is beautiful in places - 'Trickled through membrane, cloven tongue kiss' - but needs work in others and I agree that it's rather complex and abstract. I like to understand a poem and see what the writer was thinking and feeling at the time. With this one, I'm struggling to see what it makes me think of and certainly can't decipher what all your lines refer to. Basically what everyone else said - it needs to be a little less abstract and a little simpler while maintaining your use of words and imagery. Good luck in the competition!

Heather xx

You know, you mentioned this poem to me the other day, and I didn't know whether I had said anything on it or not. Guess not.

I read Snoinks adjective cut version. It felt naked to me. Sure, the adjectives are straining, but your style needs it. I suppose if you cut the adjectives, and then used stronger verbs, it might work out, but I liked the choking adjectives in this one.

I only partially agree with the comment on abstraction - partially because I'm not good with the abstract, and so I can't exactly hold the comment and think about it. I don't entirely "get it".

I did like this though, Although some lines didn't make sense to me, the majority of it did. I think, in an effort to save the poem, you should give it something concrete to be working off of. A Person, a memory of what they are reciting, and action, a moment. Something that is actually there, rather than just the telling.

I'm not even going to say, "This poem makes me feel nothing," because honestly, I believe that a poem doesn't always need to appeal the reader, though I constantly say that. It's the best way to explain it to new people. I think if a poem is beautiful, then it automatically expresses its self to the reader, because the reader will see that. It doesn't need to go into the reader if it is beautiful; they'll find a way to pull it into themselves, because they like it so much. I think if you worked your way over the abstract issues, this poem might end up like that.

It's odd, I'm reading your poetry now, and I'm liking it more. Something in my brain must have freaked out, because usually I just don't understand your poetry xD