The Assassin King pt. 5

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Teague
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Thu May 24, 2007 2:04 am
Teague says... · Thu May 24, 2007 2:04 am
Deleted. Check my blog as per reasons why, in the entry entitled "Sigh."
Last edited by Teague on Fri Jun 22, 2007 8:24 am, edited 2 times in total.
"2-4-6-8! I like to delegate!" -Meshugenah
"Teague: Stomping on your dreams since 1992." -Sachiko
"So I'm looking at FLT and am reminded of a sandwich." -Jabber
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Teague
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Thu May 31, 2007 5:53 am
Teague says... · Thu May 31, 2007 5:53 am
Please critique :(
"2-4-6-8! I like to delegate!" -Meshugenah
"Teague: Stomping on your dreams since 1992." -Sachiko
"So I'm looking at FLT and am reminded of a sandwich." -Jabber
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Writersdomain
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Fri Jun 01, 2007 10:31 pm
Writersdomain says... · Fri Jun 01, 2007 10:31 pm
Wel, I have not read the previous parts, but after this, I want to. You have some excellent dialogue here and it seems like a good start.

The one suggestion I can give you is to include more detail; some of the short and tagless dialogue is great, but I didn't get a feel for where the characters were or anything like that. I would suggest including more body language (I have been saying that a lot lately, haven't I? 0_0). Body language conveys your characters in a powerful sense without you telling us about them. You have some very good body language and such in here, but I felt it could use a little more. It would add more substance to the piece as well as, if done right, make the tone more chaotic and fit the ending nicely. I think the body language and other such details will make Tyson's emotions much more intense and thus suck the reader further in.

I'll go back and read parts 1-4 when I have more time. Nice job here! Keep writing and PM me if you have any questions.
~ WD
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