[Deleted]

Deleted

Duuuuddddeeeeee........
Very much enjoyed, in a creepy kinda way. D'ya think you could please put some kind of 13+ tag on here? It's not extreamely explicit, but the title doesn't really give you an idea of what to expect.

Hey, very intresting and well written.

Basicly it's very good, but it took me awhile to tell the way you were writing this, it's a different style than normal. Good though.

I noticed some spelling things in this last paragraph.

Crawford only smiles as he grabs holder of her sleeve. He hadn’t noticed it before, but he was starving, desperate for food and nourishment. And Lucy smells so good. Gingerly, he opens his mouth, and brushes his teeth against her throat, his smile only widening at her whimpers.

1. as he grabs holder of her sleeve.

as he grabs her sleeve - as he grabs a hold of her sleeve --- suggestions.

2. And Lucy smells so good --- With the way you're writing this story I think it should be smelled. But if you like it smells better, that's all right, I think it works too.

Good story! It's kind of creepy, but got my attention right away with the dirt and everything.

That creeped me out. Dude, freakiness!!!!!!! I normally hate vampire stories, but this one, since the surprise came at the end, wasn't half bad. Creepy and paranormal. Good job!

Awake. Vague images, feelings, sounds and emotions dissipate, like a dream escaping conscious memory. His eyes open, and stare blindly into the blackness. Soil. It covers him from head to foot, the weight of the dry earth pushing down on his chest. The dusty odour is overpowering. His eyes snap shut, but it’s too late: the dirt has already trickled past his eyelids, stinging his moist eyeballs.

I'm not totally sure why, but this introducing paragraph sounds odd to me, almost like you're trying to force the reader to understand how the man feels. Maybe if it weren't so jerky and short, it would seem a little less forceful.

I’m alive, he thinks. I’m actually alive.

Works better without "he thinks."

She isn’t particularly good-looking, he thinks. Plain.

I think the encounter with the woman would work better without this statement. He's just discovered he was buried alive, and now he finds himself in this forest with a creepy woman. It just doesn't seem like he would be thinking about how good she looks/doesn't look at this moment.

Reassuringly, he feels it.

It sounds awkward... maybe:

He feels it. Reassured, he sighs and lowers his hands

Or something like that.

You will do as a I say!

Get rid of the extra "a".

he grabs hold of her sleeve

Change "holder".

I thought this was a good, creepy story. Took me a while to get used to the present tense but I enjoyed it. I don't read vampire stories very often. Well done!

Loved it, it caught my attention immediately. Everyone else has gone through the grammar issues etc, all I'll say is that I didn't want it to end, so my suggestion would be to expand it Nice job.

Thanks all.

Gyrfalcon: I've changed this form a G to a PG, cos I'm not sure it fully warrants a PG-13? After all, there's no graphic violence, swearing, or sexual content.

Ratchet: Thanks for pointing that first point out. Although the second one I actually had it right - this is told in the present tense, and you suggestion is written in the past. ^_^

Wiggy: Glad you enjoyed it.

BrokenSword: Thank's for all the suggestions.

Matt: Thanks for reading. Don't really plan to extend it though - this was just a piece of writing practice, rather than anything I intend to develop.