Chicken Fried Rice #3

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Still searching for a Title. I think i have Title block.
Anyway as usual all crits very welcome.

**************************************

The alarm clock beeped telling all within the vicinity to get out of bed. Groaning, the awoken figure detached itself from the duvet that covered him. The window was wide open and mist floated in. Jon looked at the clock on his bedside table. Half past six on a Saturday morning. Rolling out of bed and he hit the giant ‘off’ button on top of the alarm clock. There was no chance of him getting back to sleep.

Shrugging on an old t-shirt and a pair of shorts Jon walked down the two sets of stairs to the kitchen. His mum sat at the kitchen table reading the newspaper and drinking some tea. She was tall and had blonde hair. Jon had inherited his mother’s hair and his fathers green eyes.

“You’re up early darling.” She spoke with a strong Scottish accent. “There is tea in the pot here if you want some.” Jon took a mug from the cupboard and sat down next to his mum. He poured himself some tea and added a lot of milk. Milky tea was the best.

“Are you working again today?” Jon asked his mum.

“Yeah, sorry darling, I will be back at about three.” Placing the newspaper on the table she finished her tea. “Your father will be back at about twelve. I am going to book a table at that nice Italian restaurant for tonight.”

She leant over and kissed Jon on the forehead.

“See you later mum.” Half a minute later the door banged shut and the sound of a car starting up and driving away could be heard. A small dog that had once been black but was now greyer than anything else walked to Jon.

Petting the dogs back Jon placed his mug on the floor allowing the old dog to drink the milky tea. Lapping at the tea the dog drank it greedily.

“Marc.” The dogs head rose at the mention of his name. “Wanna go walkies?” The dog barked weakly and wagged his tail. The dog was older than Jon, roughly by six months.

Jon’s granddad believed that every child should have a dog from a young age. He claimed the dog was a companion when no one else was. And Jon agreed. Unhooking an old and frayed lead from the coat hooks he tapped his thigh and Marc came toddling along. Opening the door Jon remembered to grab his keys.

Outside it was colder than Jon had expected and he shivered. He walked through the empty streets, his parents were probably the only ones who awoke before eight on a Saturday morning. Marc stopped and proudly peed against a lamppost and then continued on, stopping every few moments to ensure that Jon was still there. It was hard to determine who was walking who.

After half an hour Jon turned and they began walking home. There were a few more people on the streets and the odd teen doing a paper round. Jon began humming a song to himself as he opened the door and allowed Marc inside then followed. Today would be the same old routine as always. He would hang about the house until his father arrived home. Then they would probably go bowling or the cinema together.

Jon knew his father felt guilty about always being away on business and when at home he would spend as much time with his son as is possible. Jon just wished his mother would come with them for once. Well at least he would get to have a meal with both parents tonight.

Jon sat down in the front room and looked at the pictures upon the wall. There was one that had a picture of a smart looking man in a business suite. It was Jon’s elder brother Craig, God how he missed him. Craig had followed his mother and was now an advertisement consultant. Two weeks ago he had moved to London to be near his new job. Once he had left Jon had felt completely alone.

Craig wasn’t his biological brother but was adopted. He was seven years older than Jon and was ultimately the best brother anyone could have wished for. Jon remembered how his brother had always been there for him and when moving down here saw how depressed Jon was.

Reaching for the phone he typed in the eleven numbers to his brothers mobile. Placing it to his ear, he waited.

“Sorry but the phone you have called is currently turned off.” Hanging up Jon threw the cordless phone onto the arm chair opposite him.

Jon just sat there for a while then stretched. Sniffing his arm he decided he needed a shower.

After a few moments he was in the shower. He hated this damned shower, you couldn’t get it just right. It was either too hot or too cold, neither was fun. After about five minutes the phone began ringing. Jon decided he would call who ever it was back after his shower, he had finally got the water to how he wanted it and was not willing to give that up.

Ten minutes later Jon opened the door to the bathroom allowing steam to float out into the landing. He wore a blue dressing gown and was scrubbing at his hair attempting to dry it. As always he gave up after a few minutes and threw the towel in the dirty hamper. Running up the stairs to his floor he entered his sitting room and moved in front of the mirror.

His light blonde hair hung down to his ears. Jon peered at himself and made a face suddenly. It was childish he knew but it was still fun. It was one of the most important things his brother had taught Jon. Be childish every now and then, it’ll keep you happy. Although Jon wasn’t exactly the tallest in the year he was pretty tall at five foot seven. His body held no flab, thanks to his old routine of getting up at six in the morning on a Saturday and running to football, playing football, and then running home. He’d quit that after moving down here.

Jon’s green eyes widened as he remembered the phone ringing. Moving to the phone that was situated next to the T.V he checked missed calls. Craig showed up on the screen. Calling the message box Jon listened to the familiar voice of his brother.

“Hello Dad, Mom or lil bro. I don’t know which one of you three called but I missed it. Call me back when you get this message. Love you all.”

Jon hit the call button and listened to the ringing. After three rings it was answered.

“Hey. Craig’s phone.” It was a woman’s voice.

“Err, is Craig there? Its his brother.”

“Sure, just hang on a sec.” Jon listened as the woman called his brothers name and the rustle of a phone being passed about.

“Yo, lil bro. What’s up?”

“Mum’s working again so I am all alone. When you coming to visit?” Jon asked.

“I was thinking of coming next weekend. I’ve met someone I want you all to meet.”

“Cool. I made a friend yesterday by the way.”

“Awesome, man. What’s his name?” Jon smiled.

“It’s a she and her name is Nikki.” Craig laughed and Jon felt his smile get wider.

“Good on you lil bro. So tell me all about her.”

Jon took a seat and began telling his brother everything about Nikki that he knew. Jon wasn't quite sure why but talking to his brother always brought him up when he was feeling down.
Last edited by Jules the jester on Mon May 28, 2007 8:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Man:George look at this.
George: look at what?
Man: Ha made you look!
George: Idiot!




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Yay part three! Thanks for messaging me about it :P


Rolling out of bed and he hit the giant ‘off’ button on top of the alarm clock.

- this sentence dosen't make much sense? Maybe it should be sometihng like:
Rolling out of bed, he hit the giant off button on top of his alarm clock
Maybe?


He poured himself some tea and added a lot of milk. Milky tea was the best.

Aww yeah milky tea all the way! Love Milky tea i do :D


Aww I'm glad you wrote this piece, it's made me love Jon!

You really have given us an insight into his life, and just a piece like this immedatly gets the reader attached to the characters, well done! I look forward to more!

Meevs
xx
Bag.

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This is great!!! You made the right move, changing the genre you write. I think you can pull it off really well. Jon is molding into a fantastic character, especially now we know more about him!!!

Keep it up!
Alainna
xxxxxxx

P.S. It's not just me who loves milky tea then!!! :D
Sanity is for the unimaginative.

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A third person here who loves milky tea and the characters in this story. WOOO, go us.

I love this story, it is really good and I also think you made the right decision to change genre, I like your fantasy etc but the way you are writing this is something different, I can't quite put my finger on what though.

CARRY ON.

-Jack

PS. I have been trying to help you with a title but also can't think of one as i'm not sure what is going to happen later on.




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This is an okay start. Nothing really stood out that bugged me (except for some grammar mistakes). I like it because you really got to know the characters. The beginning has great descriptions! :)
"It's one thing to die for somebody, but if you really love them, you must live for them instead."
--Ronnie Winter, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, "Cat and Mouse"




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Fuzz head. That was part three. LOL. Down lol. click in my sig for part one. LOL
Man:George look at this.
George: look at what?
Man: Ha made you look!
George: Idiot!




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oh! Yay! More background on Jon. You've also managed to do this without info dump! I applaud you! =D

I've decided to bold all the corrections I make and italicize suggestions, FYI.

The alarm clock beeped telling all within the vicinity to get out of bed. Groaning, the awoken figure detached itself from the duvet that covered him. Awkward, especially with "awoken". Try sleepy or half-awake The window was wide open and mist floated in. The window was flung open and mist poured in, drafts tugging the curtain to and fro. Jon looked at the clock on his bedside table. Half past six on a Saturday morning. Rolling out of bed and he hit the giant ‘off’ button on top of the alarm clock. There was no chance of him getting -going!-back to sleep.


I can sympathize. Waking up at six is not fun for me =P

She was tall and had blonde hair. Jon had inherited his mother’s hair and his fathers green eyes.


Sounds kind of childish, especially with the bit on her hair. A more accurate description would probably remedy this - "She was tall and blonde with a piercing gaze" or something to that effect =P

“You’re up early darling.” She spoke with a strong Scottish accent. SHOW US, don't TELL us! =D If you want to express that she as an accent, write her dialogue with an accent! “There is tea in the pot here if you want some.” WOW! the teapot holds tea. My gosh. Who'da thunk? Try "There's tea left, if you want some". Be sure to include the accent ;) Jon took a mug from the cupboard and sat down next to his mum. He poured himself some tea and added a lot of milk. Milky tea was the best. Combine these sentences. "He sat down, pouring tea into his mug and milk, in turn, into tea." Also, don't use "mum" out of dialogue. Use mother- it's more....done =P


Ugh. Well, I don't drink milk or tea, so don't listen to me. =P

“Yeah, sorry darling, I will be back at about three.” At about? Try around.Placing the newspaper on the table she finished her tea. “Your father will be back at about twelve. Around!p I am going to book a table at that nice Italian restaurant for tonight.” Not sure on whether or not, in your story, people use "I'm" or 'won't', etc., but if they do, make sure to use them as the character would


Italian. Ooh. =D

“See you later mum.” Half a minute later the door banged shut and the sound of a car starting up and driving away could be heard. A small dog that had once been black, but [s]was[/s] now greyer than anything else, walked to Jon.

Petting the dog's back Jon placed his mug on the floor allowing the old dog to drink the milky tea. Lapping at the tea the dog drank it greedily. Awkward- try something along the lines of "The dog slurped at the tea greedily, the bottom of the mug came much too soon for him.


Whoa. Milky tea for dogs, too. :lol:

“Marc.” The dog's head rose at the mention of his name. “Wanna go walkies?” The dog barked weakly and wagged his tail. The dog was older than Jon, roughly by six months.

Jon’s granddad believed that every child should have a dog from a young age. He claimed the dog was a companion when no one else was. And Jon agreed. Unhooking an old and frayed lead from the coat hooks, he tapped his thigh and Marc came toddling along. Opening the door, Jon remembered to grab his keys.


I like dogs =D

Outside it was colder than Jon had expected and he shivered. He walked through the empty streets[s],[/s] ; his parents were probably the only ones who [s]awoke before eight on a Saturday morning. [/s] who bothered waking up before eight on a Saturday morning. Marc stopped and proudly peed against a lamppost and then continued on, Charming.stopping every few moments to ensure that Jon was still there. It was hard to determine who was walking who. HAHA! Love that line.


I like this dog =P

Jon knew his father felt guilty about always being away on business, so [s]and[/s] when at home he would spend as much time with his son as is possible. Jon just wished his mother would come with them for once. Well, at least he would get to have a meal with both his parents tonight.


Remember that when you read, a tiny voice inside your head narrates, too. And the natural punctuation of a breath applies as well. =D

Jon sat down in the front room and looked at the pictures [s]up[/s]on the wall. There was one that had a picture of a smart looking man in a business suite. What's a business suite? I think you meant suit. It was Jon’s elder brother Craig, God, how he missed him. Craig had followed his mother and was now an advertisement consultant. Two weeks ago he had moved to London to be near his new job. Once he had left, Jon had felt completely alone.


Poor Jon! =( It sucks when family members move away.

Craig wasn’t his biological brother, but was adopted. He was seven years older than Jon and was ultimately the best brother anyone could [s]have wish[s]ed[/s] for. Jon remembered how his brother had always been there for him and when moving down here saw how depressed Jon was.

Reaching for the phone, he typed in the eleven numbers to his brothers mobile. Placing it to his ear, he waited.

“Sorry, but the phone you have called is currently turned off.” Hanging up Jon threw the cordless phone onto the arm chair opposite him.


BREATHE, NARRATOR INSIDE JULES' HEAD!
:lol:

Jon just sat there for a while then stretched. Sniffing his arm, he decided he needed a shower.

After a few moments he was in the shower. He hated this damned shower, you couldn’t get it just right. It was either too hot or too cold, and neither was fun. After about five minutes the phone began ringing. Jon decided he would call whoever it was back after his shower, he had finally got the water to how he wanted it and was not willing to give that up.
Smart cookie, Jon is. My shower's like that, too =P

Ten minutes later, Jon opened the door to the bathroom, allowing steam to float out into the landing. He wore a blue dressing gown and was scrubbing at his hair, attempting to dry it. As always, he gave up after a few minutes and threw the towel in the dirty hamper. Running up the stairs to his floor, he entered his sitting room and moved in front of the mirror.


BREATHE!

His light blonde hair hung down to his ears. Jon peered at himself and suddenlymade a face [s]suddenly[/s]. It was childish, he knew, but it was still fun. It was one of the most important things his brother had taught Jon. Be childish every now and then, it’ll keep you happy. Although Jon wasn’t exactly the tallest in the year, he was pretty tall at five foot seven. His body held no flab, thanks to his old routine of getting up at six in the morning on a Saturday [s]and[/s] running to football, playing football, and then running home. He’d quit that after moving down here.

Jon’s [s]green eyes[/s] widened as he remembered the phone ringing. Moving to the phone that was situated next to the T.V., he checked missed calls. Craig's number showed up on the screen. Calling the message box, Jon listened to the familiar voice of his brother.


BREATHE! =D

"Hello Dad, Mom or lil' bro. I don’t know which one of you three called, but I missed it. Call me back when you get this message. Love to you all.”

Jon hit the call button and listened to the ringing. After three rings, it was answered.

“Hey. Craig’s phone.” It was a woman’s voice.

“Err, is Craig there? It's his brother.”

“Sure, just hang on a sec.” Jon listened as the woman called his brothers' name and the rustle of a phone being passed about. "


Sweet punctuation, why have you abandoned Jules? :o

“Yo, lil' bro. What’s up?”

“Mum’s working again, so I am all alone. When you coming to visit?” Jon asked.

“I was thinking of coming next weekend. I’ve met someone I want you all to meet.”

“Cool. I made a friend yesterday, by the way.”

“Awesome, man. What’s his name?” Jon smiled.

“It’s a she, and her name is Nikki.” Craig laughed and Jon felt his smile get wider.

“Good on you lil' bro. So tell me all about her.”

Jon took a seat and began telling his brother everything about Nikki that he knew. Jon wasn't quite sure why but talking to his brother always brought him up when he was feeling down.


I'll be looking for part 4. Decided on a title yet? =)

~Sumi
ohmeohmy



One who sits between two chairs may easily fall down.
— Proverb from Romania and Russia