Among the Vine

Among the Vine

O love, you reign with false rule over me!
We walked among the clusters of the vine,
and laid to rest below the shade of the tree;
speak now, love, I am but a wicked spline.

To rest I lay now and remain but wine
in your soft embrace. I fell from the cloud
to land in your heaven, your kiss but divine.
My love for you, O love, I all but vowed.

Your pleasant seduction remained complete
and you left for your own tender bidding.
we joined together, our love to deplete
for the shade of the tree was forbidding.

I know now that it was not to be made
but for a renewal I hoped... I prayed.

Hello Shawn! Welcome to YWS! It says that you are a new member so welcome! ok well I also want to make sure that you know that you should critique others work so that they know about you then when you post things people will come and critique your work.

Anyways, your poem was good. I liked it. Good job and welcome!

Wow.

I can't tell you how many times I read this -- I even googled it to make sure you hadn't ripped off Shakespeare!

Shakespearian sonnets are very difficult to pull off well, but I think you've succeeded. That being said, take my further criticisms as suggestions to help polish this piece to it's very best luster.

Line 4 of Stanza 1 doesn't seem to fit, to me. I had to look up "spline," and I think it would be very neat if you could work it into a metaphor of the vines, but after the first stanza and the first line of the second stanza, that metaphor falls apart.

Speaking of S2L1, I absolutely adore that line. You've no idea. Don't change it. Please.

The third stanza isn't as clear, and it feels like you're trying to force the rhyme and rhythm more.

The couplet sums it up nicely. You've obviously studied Shakespearian sonnets -- your form follows the pattern quite well.

As for the overall idea, unfortunately I can relate to it, but that makes it all the more special to me. My favorite form of poetry combined with a situation very near to me... You've done well. Keep it up!

I agree entirley with Crysi! You pulled this off very very well, shows you have a lot of talent!

keep this up!

Meevs
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