Her suicide note

She walked along the beach one day,
backpack in her hand,
she walked herself right up to me,
and grabbed a hold of my hand.

I love you oh so much she said,
but i know you don't love me,
Even though I disagreed
I couldn't contradict.

She pulled an envelope from her bag,
and handed it to me,
scribbled on the front it said,
do not open for three more days.

She kissed my hand and went away,
disappearing from my view,
curiosity plagued in me,
causing me to look.

The envelope slid open
with the slightest touch of hand,
and out popped a poem,
with an emo touch to it,

It felt as though it was rushed,
containing no beat or rhyme,
in it you could feel despair,
and that thought plagued my mind,

at the bottom posted a warning,
read every other line,
and as I read i realized,
that this wasn't just mine,

Every other line,
contained a hidden phrase,
she hid a secret message
for only her eyes and mine,

hidden in this poem,
she hid her heart and soul,
in this secret poem,
she hid her suicide note.

well, frankly, I think you summed this up quite nicely with:

"and out popped a poem,
with an emo touch to it,

It felt as though it was rushed,
containing no beat or rhyme, "

good or bad whence?

Ok...I'll be less attempt-at-witty and more honest, then.

I found it... slightly original I suppose.

The flow was strained at best and I attempted to read it aloud--an endeavor I soon gave up on. I suggest you try the same... it should clearly show the syllable-related issues.

The repetition of -='hand' in the opening stanza was awkward, and I half-expected the rest to rhyme afterward.

Upon finishing it, a reread it every-other-line style to try and find the hidden message. As far as I can tell, there wasn't one. If there was, it would be interesting...but a poor excuse for the uncomfortable nature of the piece, Considering it lacks the 'bonus-cipher', I really didn't find much at all about this poem appealing.

Better luck next time.
~Ed

ok well hello um there were a few mistakes in here. Um in the second paragraph the second line the 'i' should be captilized and some of the beginning of paragraphs weren't capitilized in the beginning. Except for that I thought it was very good.

Great job!

Well, overall I really liked it because it was different. I do agree that it would be quite interesting if you were to make every other line in the poem that you wrote be a suicidal note but, the poem did say that note was only meant for their two eyes, not ours.

The only problem I had with the poem was the repetition in words. The word hand was used four separate times not including handed. Plagued also bugged me even though you only used it twice. I suppose it is because I was subconsciously still lingering on the word when I read it again a paragraph or two down.

"and as I read i realized,
that this wasn't just mine,"

I really didn't understand that part. Does it mean that he will have to share the note with her family, or that poem was written by her because she needed to tell someone what she was planning on doing? If these are totally off target I'm sorry that is just what I came up with based on what I read personally.

Other than that I really liked it.

The rhythm and rhyme were really irregular and, even though you were going for that effect, it didn't quite work. Also, I was really hoping for the cryptic message. Perhaps you could make this just a little smoother, add a bit more imagery and work on the emotions. Show how bad the persona feels and don't just imply that he loves her back. Show it through his actions towards her. He should at least attempt to follow her or call after her. The idea is good and you have a nice stroke of originality. Work on your wording and imagery. Neaten the rhyme and rhythm up a little. Have it fast paced to give the feel of being rushed and drop a rhyme or syllable here and there for the sake of irregularity and I'm sure it will be great. Let me know if you do a re-write,

Heather xx

It was... mediocre at best. You seem to have some potential though, so keep working at it; Whence seems to have covered all of my nitpicks.

Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

she walked herself right up to me,

That line right there sounded awkward to me for some reason, although I'm not exactly sure why.

curiosity plagued in me,

Another part that sounded awkwardly phrased to me, again though I can't say for sure exactly why just that...there's definitely bound to be a better way to word this.

I also felt that perhaps the emotions in this piece could have been a bit stronger and the images more vivid. And as people have pointed out, the rhythm could definitely be cleaned up a little bit.

Otherwise, a very nice start and I know that you can do something totally awesome with this if you keep at it!!

There was little to no rhythem, so I didn't find this very poetic.

I found most of it to be rather ramble-y. Here, you get to the heart of what you're saying:

hidden in this poem,
she hid her heart and soul,
in this secret poem,
she hid her suicide note.

I'd say [as an exercise, at the very least] take this stanza and on another piece of paper, see how you can build on this stanza. I think that if you do, it will be tighter and more effective.

Emotionally, I just felt sad at the end because I knew I should feel sad, not because anything in the poem itself caused me to feel that way. You tell solely what happened, now give it some humanity. Make me feel for this little girl [or maybe I just assume she's little because she has a backpack]. Put the letter in my hands [figuritively]

PM me if you have any questions.

I think you should use quotations when she speaks, in one of my 'story' poems, my characters speak, and I use quotations. It helps people understand better, and we're used to it that way.

For me, this was OK. It was original, which is very good! But it did a lot of telling and was a lot more prose in verse, rather than poetry. Thinking of the same poem as mentioned above, mine was also very prose like, but for me, the verses and spaces gave it a feel, a needed pause. Think about this: Should this be a piece of prose, or a poem? Why would being in poem form aid this? Would it help, or hinder expressing the emotions and meanings.

Really though, congrats for being original, Alice!

Wow, well to be frank, I'm not all that proud of this poem, I'm not very good at poetry, but can't find a thing thats like poetry but not quite, I'm excellent at that, whatever it is.

Your rythm was real weird in this poem. :\ After reading the first stanza, I expected a rhyming poem... what happened to that?!

I did like that it was original, cause, I mean, I have a horrible time trying to do that.

Anyways, try to work on it.

Wow..thats really good. I only found one mistake where you didn't capitalize an I, but that was all. It's really scary when people commit suicide...anyway, nice poem. It flowed very well. Great job!


BBB

I thought this had a lot of imagery, but it was too short and I want more. If this was a poem it didn't much qualities that a poem should have. Even so I thought this was okay.