Crimson Moon

I think I posted this before, quite a while ago, but even if I did I'm posting it now. Please tell me what you think, and point out as many errors as you want/need. I can take a harsh beating. Even so, I hope you enjoy!
~~~
Prologue--

I tapped my pencil nervously on the desk, my eyes skimming over the words but not really taking anything in. It just made no sense to me. Mentally kicking myself for not studying I glanced over at the next desk. The boy was slumped over in his seat, his face hidden by his long hair. He was asleep, and there weren't any pencil marks on his paper. Not like I'd take answers from him anyway, I thought darkly.

I scowled at his sleeping figure and switched my gaze to the left. The girl's handwriting was too small to read. I turned back to my blank paper and clenched my jaws together. My frown deepened, and my long black hair fell like a curtain at the sides of my face.

I could feel the boy next to me glance at me. He must have felt me glancing at him, and decided to return the favor that must have woken him up. I kept my frown steady and didn't move. Finally he looked away, and out of the corner of my eye I saw him flip his paper over. This surprised me; he hadn't even started. Usually he gets about half way before stopping. I turned back to my paper and as I was just about the guess the first answer the teacher's voice rang out across the classroom.

"Time's up!" I flinched and closed my eyes. Just another big, fat F- for my report card. I stood up and grabbed my paper from the old wooden desk. The boy snapped to attention and looked up at the teacher. Sighing he grabbed his paper and dropped it onto the pile, blocking out my name with his own. "Sarah, Ryan." The teacher snatched up the two papers and slid them on top of a fat blue folder lying on her desk. I clenched my jaws tighter and turned to look at her. I hated the name Sarah. I couldn't believe it when Ky wove it to me. Of all the names in the world, he picked Sarah.

Ryan crossed his arms over the red words REBEL stitched on his black shirt and eyed the teacher as if she wasn't good enough for him. I glared at Ryan but he didn't even seem to notice.

I know your real name. I know you're one of me, Sabl*! Was what I wanted to scream. But instead I bit my lower lip and turned my attention back to the teacher.

"-so will you please just try?" She was saying, looking at us over the rim of her glasses. I could feel myself nod and smirked. Too bad she didn't know what I was.

Demons* never keep promises.

~~~

*Sabl: Pronounced Sabe, or Sayb. [whichever makes more sense to you]
*Demons: In this story there are demons, witches, vampire, werewolves, and many other different types of medieval fantasy figures. They all have distinctive appearances, personalities, etc, but some do seem familiar. Demons and vampires, for example, are not to be confused.

Chapter One –

I reached for the shelf, trying to pull the book out. Finally my fingers gripped the spine and I pulled it out only to have myself being showered in more books and papers. Cursing, I grabbed a book before it could hit the floor and caught another with my foot. Glancing around to make sure no one saw, I hastily shoved them back onto the metal shelf.

“Impressive reflexes you’ve got there.” I froze like a deer in headlights. Crap.

“Y-yeah.” Was all I said, looking back at the physical education teacher. He raised an eyebrow.

“You show a lot of athletic abilities, but according to your file, you haven’t joined any sport.” He continued to stare at me, and I fiddled with my shirt nervously, smoothing it down and tugging at the bottom. When I refused to reply he continued. “I was wondering if you’d join the dodge ball team.” He sounded desperate. I thought back to the voice over the speakers. Week after week, they displayed the loss of our team.

“I’ll…think about it.” I muttered, kneeling down and scooping up my papers. I gathered the rest of my folders onto the shelf and slammed the locker door shut. He was still there, watching me. “I have…to go.” I growled at him, flicking a strand of hair behind my shoulder and walking off. I tried to ignore the buzzing in my ears as I headed out the front door and wandered over the lawn. Clouds hung over the sun, making the light gauzy and causing a chill to run down my spine. I looked around at trees, almost bare. Leaves littered the ground, crinkling under my feet.

The buzzing got louder.

Frustration pulled angrily at my stomach, and I closed my eyes.

What? I snapped.

Naera*. Come now. The command caused my breathing to stop and I pressed my tongue to the roof of my mouth. Not daring to disobey I set off at a fast jog into the woods. Dashing through the trees I could smell his scent intoxicating me. It wrapped around me, covering every part of my body. I breathed it in and closed my eyes, letting it take over me.

“Naera.” I opened my eyes. I was sitting on a cold dirt floor. One that I had been on many times before. I looked up at the man above me. His grey hair was pulled back and dangling down his back in one thick rope. I let myself cower lower to the ground, my red lips pressing together.

“Ky.” The words slithered up my throat and slipped off my tongue before I could do anything about it. The hatred in the word was covered up by the love and admiration. Ky’s yellow eyes slid over my features, taking in my emotions that I knew I had stranded there. There was no hiding my feelings or thoughts from him; he found them anyway.

“Naera.” He said again, smirking at his game. I didn’t think it was funny.

"Why did you summon me?" I asked with my head bowed and eyes closed as hair slid forward exposing my neck.

“I need you to…get rid of something for me.” I could feel my heart quicken, but kept my breathing even and nodded. “He isn’t much older than twelve. It should be easy.” I sat up, keeping my face blank.

“Yes, Ky. Give me his scent.” Ky smiled and handed me a small pillowcase. I pressed it against my nose. It smelled like popcorn and almond shampoo. I closed my eyes and let the scent soak into my skin, take over my mind.

Where I found myself surprised me more than I would have admitted. Old walls looked almost ready to crumble and fall apart. The reek of mice and pigeons over whelmed me, and I had to take several deep breaths. This was going to be easy, I knew it.

Then why did this place scare me so much?

Shaking away the feeling I caught the boy sleeping in a corner. He was curled up under an old blanket, dirt covering his face and his hair shining with grease in the moonlight. I took the boy in my arms. He smelled like the pillowcase, if not a little dirtier. It was quite easy, and the task was over within seconds. No struggle, no wails of pain and fear or desperate hands shoving me away. I dropped the boy and wondered why Ky wanted me to kill him. He didn't seem to pose a threat. Shrugging, I decided it was best not to doubt him.

Getting up, I wiped off my shirt and looked down at the boy, feeling a twinge run through me. But I didn't know what it was. I had done it the painless way; break his neck. And while he was sleeping. He would have felt nothing at all. Nothing.

I looked up at the moon and wondered where I was. It had been daylight just a few minutes before. Looking around I tried to find things to tell me. But even the boy himself had no trace of where he was living. Shrugging off the sick feeling of dread, of realizing I was lost, I tried to remember what my home smelled like.

Ky had given me a wonderful home, a nice cozy room. And only older demons lived with me, so it was usually quiet. The house was big, and I never could figure out how many people I lived with. It seemed like I discovered a new one every day.

Sighing I closed my eyes and pictured my room. The red walls, purple bed lining...green armchair. Lavender is what it smelled like. I breathed in deeply, concentrating on the smell and washing out all the horror I had felt only seconds ago.

When I felt the soft rug under my feet I opened my eyes and let out my breath. Flopping down onto my cozy bed I grabbed my journal. It was black leather, with a big red N stitched on the front.

It reminds me of Sabl's shirt, I mused, tracing the letter with my thumb before wondering why I had even thought of that rat. Sighing I opened onto my next clean page. My heart practically lunged out of my throat when I saw what was there.

A neutral symbol; Sabl's sign. I quickly slammed the cover shut and flung it across the room. It hit the wall with a dull thud, and then flopped onto the floor.

When you speak of the devil, the devil comes. Not that I could call him that…I’d be a hypocrite.

Either way there was no doubt I’d be awake for most of the night.

~~~

It was deathly quiet. Not even the morning birds were awake, chirping away happily. No sounds came from downstairs, it was almost as if I was alone. Completely alone.

But I felt like something was watching my every move. I sat up and pulled my knees to my chest, staring at the barren wall. My journal was still on the floor, it’s covers agape and pages blowing in the soft wind coming through my window. I leaped to the floor swiftly, my breath getting caught in my throat. I had never opened the window last night. I stood, frozen in place, as my hair blew back from my face.

“Naera.” I almost slithered out of my skin by the sudden word. I spun around to face Ky, allowing my anger to hit him full force. He didn’t seem effected by it, he only blinked at me, then stepped forward. I longed to step back, but I only stood up straighter and stared at him defiantly.

Many told me that I was one of the bravest- and foolish- to glare right back at Ky. It didn’t matter to me, I was his favorite, and everyone knew it. But he still enjoyed messing around with me, toying with my life. Sometimes he went too far and regretted it, other times it pleased him. Like weaving the name ‘Sarah’ to me. Every time he said my human name, I could see a delighted smirk in his gaze. But, on the other hand, every time he saw the thick scar on my shoulder, I knew how guilty he felt. Just at the moment he was turning his eyes to it, frowning slightly.

I was suddenly conscious of the tight, almost too small, tang top that I had on. I swallowed and hugged my arms over my stomach, staring at him. I was waiting for him to do something, say something. He didn’t. He just turned his eyes so they met with mine, and held them there.

I’m not sure how long we stayed like that, but finally I scowled, impatient.

“Do you want something?” I spat. “I’ll be late for school.” Slowly he eyed my pajamas, and I knew what he was thinking. It didn’t look like I was getting ready.

“No.” He finally said, turning without meeting my eyes. “Go to school, learn. I will speak to you later.” For a moment everything seemed to freeze in time, and then he was gone. I blinked and continued to gaze at the spot where he had just been, but only for a few moments. I quickly snapped back to reality and trudged over to my closet to pick out the outfit for the day.

I munched on the pizza in silence as I listened to everyone talk around me. But, like every day, my attention was focused on the powerful waves I could feel coming from besides me, from Jamia. I glanced over at my friend- my best friend- who was laughing about some joke the girl across from me said. Her unusually crimson colored hair flowed past her shoulders with just the slightest wave at the end. Her skin was a beautiful ivory color, and bracelets jangled on her wrists. They matched her long, dangly earrings that she often wore. In front of her, taking the place of a food tray, was a book on witchcraft.

She was powerful; I could feel it with every ounce of my soul. But she was just starting out, learning the art of Wicca, but getting stronger at it every day. Sooner or later, I knew, she’d have to choose between me…and good. All witches had to in the end- choose from good and bad, I mean. Of course there were good demons. There were thirteen masters. Six bad- Ky was one of those- and six good. And the one left was neutral, Sabl’s catergory. But if you were a “good” witch, you detested demons. As well as all the other creatures of the night. But a bad one…they worked with demons. I know several that work for Ky, and I know for a fact that some altruistic demons enjoy the company of witches as well. But no matter altruistic or nefarious, the witch was always considered “bad”.

“Sarah!”

I jumped and glanced at the girl who spoke. The cafeteria was practically empty, with only me, Jamia, Kelly- the girl who spoke, and several teachers who weren’t paying any attention to us. I nodded to show Kelly I knew, and slowly stood up. Kelly strode away, but not before I could see her roll her eyes. With a sigh I leaned down to pick up my tray before realizing it was gone. I startled slightly before I felt a cool hand on my arm.

“I threw it away for you.” Jamia said, her voice the soft, careful tone that it always seemed to be. I calmed down and nodded.

“Thanks.” I said, offering her a smile. She smiled back at me and stood up. She was several inches taller than me, and I had to look up to meet her gaze.

“Are you worried about something?” She asked. Somehow she always knew what I was thinking. I glanced around, holding my smile.

“Yeah- worried that we’ll get a detention for being late to class.” I joked, grabbing my lunch ticket and starting towards the door. Jamia kept a perfect stride with mine. She was wearing colours today, which was unusual for her. She mostly wore black, or a dark red that matched her hair. Instead she was wearing plain blue jeans and a brown shirt. I studied her eyes carefully, trying to find any emotion in her like she always found emotion in me. Nothing was stranded there. I continued searching until she peered down at me from the corner of her eyes. I quickly looked away and scurried to my locker. I opened it with more force than I intended, and it slammed against the lockers besides mine with a loud clang. I gritted my teeth and, pretending not to notice everyone turn and stare at me, quickly grabbed my books. I shut the locker and hurried to my next class. None-the-less, I could feel Jamia’s stare boring into my back.

I turned the corner of the old brick building- the one that was unfortunately our school. I noticed at the exact moment that Jamia was talking to Sabl. I froze. Her back was to me, but I could see Sabl glance over her shoulder at me. I strained to hear what they were saying, but everything was just a mumble. I clenched my fists, narrowing my eyes. How could Jamia talk to him? She knew I despised him! Slowly, Sabl turned to look back at Jamia. I considered going up and just hitting Sabl right then and there, but Jamia beat me to it. I noticed her muscles tense, and the next second her hand was raised and she slapped Sabl across the face. I could hear the sound it made, too. I could feel my jaw drop slightly before it relaxed into a smug grin.

“Hell no! You are so ignorant, Ryan!” Jamia spat, turning and marching away with her hands clenched in fists. Sabl stood there, stunned, staring off into space. I turned and followed Jamia, hurrying to catch up to her. She spoke before I had a chance to come up besides her.

“That’s the second time he asked me out!” She growled, her muscles still tense. “Why won’t he learn?” She clenched her jaws together and glanced over at me. I nodded, not sure what else to do.

“I think you hit him hard enough to knock some sense into him.” I said, grinning. She smiled too, and relaxed slightly. I paused, gathering some more courage. “Hey, uh, my…dad wants to have a ‘talk’ with me, but I want to stall it as long as I can. Can I come over to your place?” I blinked innocently, smiling.

“Oh, no Sar…I’m sorry. I’ve got some stuff to do today and I can’t have any distractions.” She grimaced and looked at me apologetically. “If you want I can do a spell to turn his tongue into a piece of wood.” She laughed at this, and I joined in, knowing she was joking. She often joked about doing spells and the like, though I knew for a fact she took them seriously.

“Oh, it’s okay. I’ll just listen to him babble while nodding my head as if I understand.” I giggled as we neared the sidewalk where we part. I could feel my heart sink. I was hoping I’d be able to avoid Ky today. By the way Jamia looked at me, I could tell that she knew what I was feeling. “Bye!” I called, not even bothering to force a smile for her. None-the-less, she smiled encouragingly at me and waved, her bracelets jingling.

“Call me!” She replied back before turning and heading the other way. I nodded to myself, making a mental note to do just that.


The second I opened the door to my room Ky was standing in front of me. I scowled and moved sideways to get past him, but he mirrored my movement and blocked my way.

“We’re going to go now.” He said cheerfully.
“Go where?” I asked vacantly.

“You’ll see.” He replied. “Get dressed in something…nicer, and meet me downstairs.” And then he was gone. A gust of wind came through the window and swept my hair around me. Quickly I hurried to my closet and started pulling out something, wishing he had stayed long enough so I could ask him where downstairs. This house was a monster. It was five times the size of any normal mansion. I got lost in it more times than I would ever admit.

I did manage to find Ky, sitting in one of the dining rooms…the biggest one. He was sitting at a table, leaning back against the chair, and reading a book. Instead of his usual long, grey hair he had short black hair, spiked up. His eyes were a caramel brown color, and his skin a tone deeper than mine. I scowled as I realized what was happening.

“Oh no.” I groaned, sitting down besides him. He looked up at me from behind his book, smirking. We were going on another ‘date’. The last one had been a couple weeks ago. He called them dates, but they weren’t really. It certainly looked like it from a human side viewer, though.

“Oh, now Sarah, do you want me to leave?” He asked, raising his eyebrows. I glared at him, but shook my head. “Good. We should go now, I have a lot to…discuss with you.” He stood up and dropped the book onto the table, then held out his hand. I raised my chin defiantly and stood up on my own.

“We aren’t out of the house yet.” I sniffed, before turning and stomping to the door. At least I didn’t have to be a happy date. I left the door open to let him out- not even I had the courage to slam doors in his face- and trudged over to sit in his car. It was different again. Sleek black, with tinted windows. I grudgingly got into the passenger seat and watched as he slowly walked over and sat down in the drivers side. I had to admit he looked pretty good, with black hair. I could have stared at him for a couple of hours. But I wasn’t going to let him know that. As soon as he sat down I turned and looked out the window, crossing my arms. I thought I could hear him chuckle under his breath, but I wasn’t sure.

We pulled up to some strange place I had never seen before, even though I had grown up in this town. I glanced sideways at Ky, but he seemed to know what he was doing. As I reached to open the door I discovered, with a slight shock, that it wouldn’t open. He smiled at me and stepped out of the car.

“You’ll have to come out this way, love, that door doesn’t open from the inside.” He turned his head, but I could see him smirk. I set my jaw, having a perculiar feeling that this wasn’t an accident. Maintaining as much dignity as I could, I slowly crawled over to the drivers seat and out onto the ground.

Ky gently closed the door and beckoned me to follow him. I rolled my eyes and slowly trudged after him. Instead of going to the front door, which was only a few feet away, he went around the corner and into the bushes. Not able to do anything else, I followed.

There was an old, black door at the side of building. Without a word or even a glance around, Ky opened it and stepped inside. I paused by the door frame, peering inside. Very faint murmurs were coming from inside, just around a dark hallway. I could see lights, too, but Ky's figure was blocking most of it from slicing into the shadows.

“Naera, hurry up!” Ky hissed, before disappearing around the corner. I quickly shut the door and followed.

We came out in a quiet, small bar. People sitting around the tables were close together and talking quietly. I looked around as Ky led me to a booth close to the hallway we came from. I hesitated before sitting down as well, unsure of where we were. I had never seen this place before. I glanced at the unfamiliar, blacked haired male in front of me. He seemed perfectly at ease, his brown eyes looking around and studying the place as if he owned it. For all I knew, he probably did.

“May I take your order?” A familiar voice said, her tone polite and soft, but certainly sounding quite bored. I looked up in surprise.

“Jamia?” I said, sitting up straighter as my eyes widened. She peered down at me, not seeming at all surprised. Her eyes reminded me of Ky’s eyes- well, his eyes at the moment. They were brown, with black around the edge. I blinked in surprise. I’d never really noticed the color of Jamia’s eyes.

“Nice seeing you here, Sarah.” She said with a smile.

“Is this the ‘stuff’ you had to do?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. I didn’t understand why she hadn’t just told me she was a waitress. She grimaced and glanced around.

“Unfortunately. Is this your father?” She asked, blatantly changing the subject. I frowned, but glanced over at Ky. To my surprise he was back to his usual form, except I noticed he kept his eyes brown. He smiled warmly at Jamia, then looked back at me with raised eyebrows, expecting me to answer. Jamia looked back to me as well.

“Uh…yeah.” I said, blinking. “Jamia, this is my father. D…Dad, this is Jamia.” I cringed as I used that name. I hoped I never had to call him that again. I could see Ky’s smugness through his “warm” smile.

“Please, call me Ky.” He said, holding out his hand. Jamia glanced at it then turned back to me.

“I have, like…five more minutes and then I’m off for the night.” She said, then frowned slightly. For once I could read her emotions instead of her reading mine.

“Is…something wrong?” I asked, tilting my head slightly. Ky still had his hand held out. Realizing Jamia wasn’t going to take it, he scowled and slowly pulled it back. I could see him lift his chin a bit higher out of the corner of my eyes.

“Ugh, it’s just that I don’t have a ride home.” She sighed. “But it’s okay.” She shrugged, smiled at me, then turned and flaunted off. Several guys in the bar eyed her appreciatively. I gritted my teeth, resisting the urge to decapitate them, and turned back to Ky.

“I can give her a ride home.” He said with a smirk. I narrowed my eyes.

“No.” I said simply. It wasn’t that I minded spending time with Jamia- I would have enjoyed it, but I wasn’t sure Jamia and Ky…”mixed”. That and I didn’t want to keep calling Ky “Dad”. I cringed again just at the thought.


I sat in the back seat of the black Porsche, my jaws clasped together so tightly I was sure my teeth were going to break. I glared out the window, my arms crossed over my stomach. Jamia sat in the front seat, staring politely ahead. No one said anything. I wasn’t sure how this had happened, and I wasn’t pleased. And not to mention whatever Ky had wanted to tell me had been thrown in the trash.

“The third driveway is my house.” Jamia said quietly, and I jumped at the sudden noise. Without speaking, Ky turned into the driveway and stopped the car. Just as Jamia was reaching for the handle did I remember the door dilemma. I bit my lower lip and watched as she pulled the door handle out and pushed. The door didn’t budge. She turned and looked at Ky with a blank expression.

“That door doesn’t open from the inside.” Ky said, and I could tell he was hiding a smirk. “You’ll have to climb over the seat.” As he spoke he opened the driver’s door and put one foot out.

“Oh, I’m sure it will open.” Jamia said with a smile, before turning back and kicking the door with enough force to knock down a tree. The door flew open, then snapped off the hinges and landed with a loud clang onto the cement. Ky’s eyes widened, and he seemed frozen in his position. I could feel my mouth drop open, but I quickly closed it and slammed my hand over my mouth to hide my snickers. I knew how much Ky loved his cars.

“Thanks for the ride!” Jamia said cheerfully. “I’ll have my father pick the door up and bring it to your place. I’m sure he’ll fix it as well.” She smiled, then turned to look at me. “’Night, Sar.” She said, then turned and darted over her lawn and into the front door. Ky was still frozen in shock. Then, his lips pressing together in a tight line, he slowly shut his own door and starting backing out of the drive way.
~~~

*Naera: Pronounced Nare-rah

On the Prologue:

It was a pretty good start- you have some good description and your character is very interesting; I'm going to list off a few issues I had about it:

1. Clarity! There were many points in this story where I felt you were very unclear and you completely lost me. Most of them occurred in abrupt transitions.

Ryan crossed his arms over the red words REBEL stitched on his black shirt and eyed the teacher as if she wasn't good enough for him. I glared at Ryan but he didn't even seem to notice.


I know your real name. I know you're one of me, Sabl*! Was what I wanted to scream out. But instead I bit my lower lip and turned my attention back to the teacher.


"-so will you please just try?" She was saying, looking at us over the rim of her glasses. I could feel myself nod and smirked. Too bad she didn't know what I was.

Demons* never keep promises.

I reached for the shelf, trying to pull the book out. Finally my fingers gripped the spine and I pulled it out only to have myself being showered in more books and papers. Cursing, I grabbed a book before it could hit the floor and caught another with my foot. Glancing around to make sure no one saw, I hastily shoved them back onto the metal shelf.


“Impressive reflexes you’ve got there.” I froze like a deer in headlights. Crap.


“Y-yeah.” Was all I said, looking back at the physical education teacher. He raised an eyebrow.


“You show a lot of athletic abilities, but according to your file, you haven’t joined any sport.” He continued to stare at me, and I fiddled with my shirt nervously, smoothing it down and tugging at the bottom. When I refused to reply he continued. “I was wondering if you’d join the dodge ball team.” He sounded desperate. I thought back to the voice over the speakers. Week after week, they displayed the loss of our team.

This part especially confused me. We go from Naera failing her test, to Ryan sitting there with his arms crossed, to some spontaneous raving sentence about how Naera knows something to the teacher asking about sports. You completely lost me there. Try making the writing a little clearer, explaining things with vivid detail and using handy transition sentences. I'm not sure what else to suggest as I'm not sure what is happening here. The entire part where Ky shows up was very unclear too.

2. Abruptness. There were a few instances where your narrator abruptly changed subjects or made a very serious claim; this has to do partly with what I mentioned above - clarity, but the most specific example is:

I know your real name. I know you're one of me, Sabl*! Was what I wanted to scream out. But instead I bit my lower lip and turned my attention back to the teacher.

This is rather... sudden. You have give next to no foreshadowing that Naera resents Ryan for anything and have given us no inklings that Ryan is 'different'. Unless I am completely offbase and this Sabl is not Ryan, this was very, very abrupt and threw me off. Try leading up to this through Naera's thoughts or foreshadowing this character's unusual behaviors.


3. Really a Prologue? What is a prologue? A prologue is an introduction, meant to catch the reader's attention. Prologues are often characterized by events taking place in a time period before the story itself, or figurative, symbolic language. This didn't seem to be any of those - it seemed more like a first chapter. You introduce the characters and really don't hook the reader from the beginning. Instead, you ease the reader into the story slowly and introduce conflict rather abruptly. Consider whether this should be 'prologue' or 'chapter 1'

4. Interest. As I didn't understand a lot of what was happening, I can't say that this story was completely uninteresting; however, the very ordinary beginning of this story and the lack of intriguing characterization made this, well, dry. Again, I didn't understand parts of this, so don't take this to heart yet. If you revise this, contact me and I will tell you if I still feel this way.

In all, a nice job here. Keep writing and PM me if you have any questions.

Thank you, Writersdomain

I will get to work fixing what you have pointed out. I never really thought about things like that, mostly because no one has ever mentioned that.

But I have one thing to ask...

I used to have the prologue stop right when it says "Demons never keep promises." Would that be a better place to stop the prologue?

I read the edited version of your prologue and it is much, much better.

The only other suggestion I can give without being incredibly nitpicky is to clarify that Naera/Sarah is talking about Ryan when she says. 'I know you're one of me, Sabl.' Perhaps move the part about her glaring at Ryan down to that paragraph, so the reader knows she is referring to him.

Nice job editing - it is very good. Again, I'll get to chapter 1 hopefully soon. ^_^

Chapter Two —

I could hear the teacher lecturing the class, but everything she said was flying right over my head. I wasn’t even trying to pay attention- I was glaring at Sabl. Or, as the humans here know him as, Ryan. If looks could kill he would be dead by now. What was most annoying, though, was that he didn’t even notice me. He was staring at the teacher with a bored expression. One arm was propped up on the desk, with his head in his hand, and his other hand was playing absentmindedly with a pen.

After several more moments of this I finally gave up and looked back at the teacher. She was now handing out worksheets, stopping every once in a while to chastise someone. I sunk lower in my seat and supressed a deep sigh. I wanted to just stand up and walk out. As soon as a paper was slid in front of me I sat up and stared blankly at it, then looked up at the board. Crap. What was I supposed to be learning today? It looked like a jumble of numbers and letters. I frowned. Oh, how I despised Algebra.

Ryan was already starting the worksheet, his messy handwriting scrawling things across the page. I dropped my forehead onto the desk and breathed in the musty scent of the wood.

“Are you feeling okay, Sarah?” I could hear my teacher ask. I was about to lift my head and nod, then thought better of it. Perhaps I could get myself out of this hell hole.

“Not really.” I lied, standing up and putting on a pained expression. “Can I go to the nurse?” I blinked innocently.

“I can take her down.” Ryan said, standing up as well. I flinched slightly. I hadn’t even realized he was listening; I thought he was concentrating on his work. I frowned and narrowed my eyes, but the teacher nodded before going back to her desk. Ryan politely picked up my books and started out the classroom. I had no choice but to follow.

As I trudged down the hallway, staring at Ryan’s back, I wondered why I had had to lie. This situation was worse than any Algebra lecture.

“Sarah.” Ryan stated, slowing down so he was walking right next to me. He held the books effortlessly in one arm; his other one was still fingering the pen.

“Sabl.” I said back coldly. He didn’t seem surprised that I used his real name.

“I heard that you enjoy drawing.” He said. I stared at him in disbelief. Was he trying to make small talk? I sniffed slightly and looked away.

“Yes.” I said, my tone growing colder. I was sure that any second my breath would start coming out as ice. Ryan didn’t seem to notice.

“How come you never…doodle or anything in class?” As he said this he glanced towards me. I merely shrugged, keeping my gaze straight forward. He fell silent then, apparently realizing I didn’t want to talk.

It was the longest two minutes in my life, but we finally made it to the nurse’s office. He walked in with me and put my books on a chair. He straightened and stared at me for a moment before turning and walking out. I scowled at his back as he retreated.

The nurse wasn’t in the room, so I just sat down on the seat besides my books and stared at the posters on the wall. Most of them were pictures of the inside of the body. One was, uncomfortably, about a female’s puberty. Another was on a male’s. I smirked, consciously joyful that I never had to live through that.

The nurse didn’t come in. I stared at the clock as I waited, the minutes ticking by slowly. The long hand fell from the twelve to the six. Finally, I stood up and stretched, my shoulder muscles aching. I glanced around, trying to decide what to do, as I rubbed one shoulder. It sounded quiet out in the hall, so I shuffled to the door and peered out. There was only one girl out there, who seemed to be looking for something.

I walked over to an open window besides the nurse’s desk, staring out. We were on the first floor. I could sneak out way too easily. So easily, in fact, that it wouldn’t be fun. I sighed and leaned against the windowsill, breathing in the fresh air. It was certainly a change from the stuffy classroom.

Finally deciding it was worth a shot, I snatched my books in one arm and dropped out of the window feet-first. The grass was dry, so I didn’t have to worry about leaving my books on the ground, pushed up against the side of the building. I glanced around before starting a jog across the lawn. I wanted to get out of clear view as soon as I could and into the shade of the trees.

I froze about halfway as I heard a window opening. My heart skipped a beat, and I hoped I wasn’t caught. Slowly I turned around, and to my surprise, Jamia was leaning out a second story window, waving at me. The room was dark behind her, so I figured she must be in a closet or storage room of some sort. I waved back and grinned. I knew I didn’t have to worry abouted Jamia ratting me out; we often skipped school together. Though we’d never actually bailed out.

I was about to turn and start running again, but my friend started climbing up onto the windowsill. My mouth dropped open, and I gestured for her to go back in.

Do you want to make a suicidal attempt! I mouthed, but she wasn’t looking at me. She was watching the ground carefully, and I could practically see her analyzing how far it was. And then she jumped. I burst forward with strength that even surprised me. But I wasn’t fast enough; I could see her getting closer to the ground. My heart pumped in my ears as I raced to catch her, or cushion her fall- something! Right before she hit the ground I closed my eyes and skidded to a stop.

The only noise was the thud of her hitting the ground. Even my sensative ears didn’t catch a whimper, or a yelp. Slowly I opened my eyes, expecting to see her lying limp on the ground. Instead, she was standing, perfectly fine and whole. And not dead. I stared at her, not sure if this was real. But she was moving…walking towards me.

“Why’re you bailing out of school?” She asked, as if nothing had happened. As if she hadn’t almost died.

“Why are you jumping from a second story window?!” I said back, my voice raising. She glanced around and gestured for me to be silent. After making sure no one heard me, she turned her brown, blacked-rimmed eyes back to me.

“I’ve jumped from a higher level.” She said calmly. “Now, what are you doing bailing out of school?” She repeated, blinking innocently. I glared at her now that my heart had stopped fluttering. I was the demon; I was the one that was supposed to pull off crazy stunts like that. Not a human!

Witch. I quickly corrected myself, as I crossed my arms stubbornly and turned my back to her.

“Let’s get to the woods and then I’ll tell you.” I said simply, and strode forward. She quickly fell in step besides me.

She said nothing, and I knew for a fact that she could sense my anger. Like she sensed all of my emotions. I let out a soft sigh and glanced at her from the corner of my eye. She was probably better at it than even Ky.

Finally, after crossing the lawn which seemed like a million meters, we reached the shallow trees. I turned to Jamia a bit sheepishly.

“Actually, I just wanted to get out of school. The classroom was intoxicating me.” I looked at a nearby tree trunk. I could hear Jamia snicker, and I narrowed my eyes but didn’t look away.

“Yeah, I was sort of getting sick of Chemistry, too. Then I saw you sneaking out of the window. How could you bail out without me!” Jamia sighed and punched my arm lightly. Her bracelets jangled, and I could have sworn she had twice as many as she had before. There was a silence, though it wasn’t awkward. It was never awkward around Jamia. “How about we go bug your father?” She finally suggested.

I looked at her, horrified. She really was trying to attempt suicide!

“Are you kidding? He’s still fuming about the other day!” I sighed and hugged my arms to my stomach. Jamia pouted, but shrugged.

“Fine. Then I’m out of ideas.” She let out a more dramatic sigh than mine and looked around with a bored expression.

“Are all your ideas about torturing people?” I frowned, before turning and started to make my way through the trees.

We walked in silence again, but it was a sort of a warm quiet. There were no other sounds besides our soft foot steps, and even those were muffled by the grass. Both of us knew that we were just wandering aimlessly, but I didn’t mind. As long as we got away from the school.

This continued for some time, the two of us walking. I kept my gaze forward, far too used to the woods. But Jamia looked around absentmindedly, her crimson hair gliding across her back each time. I was jealous of her beauty. Ky could change his looks because he was one of the thirteen masters. If I could I would have done so by now. I was far too plain, at least in my own eyes. All the other demons seemed like they were hand carved by the gods. I was just one of their rough drafts.

I jerked back to reality as I sensed a strange aura. I stopped, and Jamia stopped as well.

“Is…something wrong?” She asked, confused, but I gestured for her to be silent. A second later a lean figure stepped out of the shadows. In fact, it seemed to melt away from them, as if it had been a shadow itself.

“Why…hello.” It said, no threat in its voice. Slowly I made out features as they formed. Short black hair, and elegantly carved face. Her skin was a strange white, not like Jamia’s ivory colored skin, but white like freshly fallen snow. The hair framing her face stood out in contrast to her pale skin tone. I couldn’t see the color of her eyes, but they looked mostly black.

Vampire. I thought mildly. Vampires descended from demons, and our two races pretty much left the other alone. Whenever our paths did cross, however, they simply carried on with a simple hello, or sometimes a small conversation.

I could see her glance towards Jamia, looking curious. She must have felt the powerful waves coming off of her the way I did.

“Hello.” I replied back politely. Jamia was standing still, and for a second I thought she was afraid. But when I looked again I realized that she seemed perfectly relaxed, and was studying the vampire coolly. “Are we in your territory?” I asked, only realizing a second later than Jamia didn’t know about any of this. I cringed and glanced at her but she hadn’t moved her gaze from the vampire.

“Oh…no. I was just wandering. My name is Blade.” The vampire nodded as she said her name, as if introducing herself. I was a bit surprised, however. They usually don’t like to give personal information away, even something as simple as their names.

“I’m Jamia, and this is my friend Sarah.” I turned to look at my friend, taken aback as she introduced us. Most people would be staring in astonishment and fear, frozen in place. None of this seemed to effect my Witch friend, however.

I shook my head. Jamia astounded me more each day.

“Pleasure to meet you two. I best be on my way.” Blade smiled, showing two large, and sharp, canine teeth. Then, without warning, she disappeared back into the shadows.

~~~

“Tell me now, Sarah!” Jamia demanded. She’d been going on like this for the past several minutes, as soon as Blade left. I glanced around with an exasperated sigh, rubbing my temples. My friend opened her mouth to speak again.

“Okay!” I cut her off. I swallowed and softened my voice. “Okay.” I repeated. She looked at me with surprise, as if she hadn’t been expecting me to say yes. “What do you want to know?” I asked, sliding down a tree trunk and onto the soft ground. Jamia was going to find out one way or another, so I might as well have saved her the trouble.

“Everything.” Jamia replied back simply, dropping to the ground in front of me.

“Um…narrow it down a bit, ‘kay?” I asked. Jamia sighed in reluctance as she thought. I sat quiet for several minutes, watching her eyes wander around the woods as if her question was in there. Finally her gaze snapped back to me.

“How did you become a vampire?” She asked. I smirked.

“I’m not a vampire. I’m a demon. Vampires descended from us…though for some reason they are a much stronger, faster, intelligent, and handsome species.” I frowned in envy, but Jamia shot another question at me before I could start rambling on.

“Then how did you become a demon?” She seemed genuinely interested, and not afraid at all. I wasn’t sure whether this should surprise me or not. I mean, it was Jamia, after all.

“Um…I was made that way.” I said, furrowing my eyebrows. It never had occurred to me that the way demons and vampires were made had completely different tactics.

“Is that how the first vampire was made?” She asked, leaning forward in her eagerness. I shook my head.

“No one is sure how the first vampire was made. Not even the thirteen masters.” I sighed. Jamia pulled back.

“I have so many questions I can’t pick them out of my head this quickly!” She cried, throwing up her hands. I smiled, glad that I could hear the familiar jangle of her bracelets.

“Well, just try.” I replied back. She fell silent for a moment then shook her head.

“I can’t do it.” She sighed, then gestured towards me. “Just tell me in the order you think is best.” She seemed a bit disappointed, and for a moment I felt a bit hurt. The only reason she was disappointed was because she didn’t want me to ly or skip anything. I let my lower lip jut out in a slight pout, but quickly pulled it into my mouth and gnawed on it.

“Okay…well…” I paused, thinking. “Well, let’s start from vampires. They’re really different from us. We have thirteen masters and three clans but-“

“What are the masters and clans?” She asked, her eyes widening as she leaned forward. I put a hand up.

“No questions, remember? I’m getting to that.” I looked at her sternly and she narrowed her eyes but didn’t say anything else. I nodded. “But vampires are loners, for the most part. Some of them travel in groups, or in couples. Mostly just alone, though.” I looked at her. “You probably know everything else about them.” She nodded.

“Demons are completely different. We don’t drink blood, or…anything else. The only thing that we have similar to them is that we have our senses intensified. And our strength, intelligence, and speed is progressed depending on our clan.” She opened her mouth but before I could do anything she shut it again with a dark look towards me. I merely smiled in return.

“The three clans are…well…we don’t really have a name. But there are the ‘good’ clan, the ‘neutral’ clan, and the ‘bad’ clan. The good clan gets the speed, neutral clan gets the intelligence, and the bad clan has strength. No one knows why it is like that, it just is. You can, however, switch clans. But depending on the one you were made in, you continue to keep that one higher talent.” I stopped and breathed out slowly. I was losing my breath, telling her all this. I turned to look at her. She was still leaning forward, but seemed lost in thought. I didn’t have to guess about what.

“You’re in the bad clan, right?” Jamia asked suddenly. My mouth dropped open. How did she know that?

“Y…yeah.” I admitted, my shoulders scrunching up over my ears. I couldn’t even say that the bad clan wasn’t so bad because…well, we were.

I couldn’t look at Jamia, but I had to when she spoke.

“Well, continue.” She said patiently. My eyes widened. She wasn’t afraid, or mad, or anything? I closed my eyes briefly, then opened them again and fixed them on her brown ones.

“You aren’t bothered?” I asked. She shook her head. “You aren’t afraid?” Again, she shook her head. “You aren’t mad?”

“No, Sar!” She laughed. “I’m not!” The sound of her laughter reassured me, and I relaxed my muscles. I hadn’t realized how tense they had gotten. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

And then the buzzing started in my head.

What bad timing! I almost growled in frustration, but instead I jumped to my feet.

“We’ll talk later.” I said, and before she could reply I darted through the woods. I glanced back to see her scrambling to her feet, but Ky’s scent was already wrapping around me. I closed my eyes and let the smell take over.

Demons* never keep promises.

This was a great end to the prologue.

Chapter One:

Dashing through the trees I could smell his scent intoxicating me. It wrapped around me, covering every part of my body. I breathed it in and closed my eyes, letting it take over me. ...I opened my eyes. I was sitting on a cold dirt floor.

I'm a bit confused about the traveling thing. Do they just kind of teleport or something?

Chapter Two:

Finally deciding it was worth a shot, I snatched my books in one arm and dropped out of the window feet-first. The grass was dry, so I didn't have to worry about leaving my books on the ground, pushed up against the side of the building.

I'm confused about what's going on here. It sounds like she's on the ground and then she's climbing the wall again?

Overall, very good story. It's interesting to read a story where the main characters evil for once. Keep writing!

Dashing through the trees I could smell his scent intoxicating me. It wrapped around me, covering every part of my body. I breathed it in and closed my eyes, letting it take over me. ...I opened my eyes. I was sitting on a cold dirt floor.

Yes, they teleport using scents. So, for example, if they know YOUR scent, they can teleport to wherever you are as long as they remember the scent. (Yes, it is possible to forget scents when they don't use/smell them in a long time, just like a human can forget a scent). She explains this later in the story.

Finally deciding it was worth a shot, I snatched my books in one arm and dropped out of the window feet-first. The grass was dry, so I didn't have to worry about leaving my books on the ground, pushed up against the side of the building.

She is talking about her books...she is pushing her books up against the building. Should I reword it?

Thank you for the critique! I'll be sure to write more.

~Wings