The Bible is Full of Incest

S(p)liced thighs form his
bedspread these days.

He teaches her independence in
self-consummation -
makes her spine by breaking
backbones with granite fists.
She sobs that she's bleeding
white bits of purity
(he says that she's an angel),
but on the bottom she can only
scream to the stars on her ceiling.
Clouds mop up this world's misery
and sin folds into the bedsheets,

but we're no closer to God

Ugh, I don't get or like this at all. And the title is a factual error. A positive note is that the imagery is very strong, and the language evokes a clear picture. Use this imagery and language in another, better poem, and you'd have something recommmendable. But this subject matter is not one to read again.

Sorry. The poem itself shows that you could write some great poetry. But NOT like this one.

-Twit

Interesting subject. Not knowing all that much about the Bible, I can't really comment specifically on whatever references might be made here.

As is often my complaint, this was too abstract. I couldn't grip on to this poem the way I'd like to; while you as the writer would have a clear image in your mind, it's still easy to forget that the reader could be missing out.

She sobs that she's bleeding
white bits of purity

Clouds mop up this world's misery
and sin folds into the bedsheets,

These types of really complex metaphors are also an issue. They're very interesting to read and to ponder, but if there are too many, the poem suffocates under their weight. It might be better to focus more on one and to think more about its meaning in the poem. Is it there to sound smart or to be deep, or is it truly important to the meaning, and if so, how can you show that it is?

S(p)liced thighs form his
bedspread these days.

The use of punctuation is unique and all, but it doesn't really seem necessary here. Spliced means the same thing, no matter how it's chopped up. If it's the only place the "non-traditional" punctuation is used, and it's not incredibly significant, I say the poem is better off without it.

Colleen

cadmium:

Spliced - split apart
sliced - signs of abuse, cuts

ShadowTwit:

"full of" incest was an exaggeration. But Genesis 20: 11-12, Genesis 4: 26, Genesis 4: 3-8, Exod. 6: 20, Lev. 20:19, Numbers 26: 59 -- these all may be interesting points. My stress is on this passage, too, which is Genesis 19: 30-38.

xanthan gum wrote:cadmium:

Spliced - split apart
sliced - signs of abuse, cuts

That is a very good point! Still, I think it could do without. You might just pick one of the words, or...find a way to describe both "spliced" and "sliced" in two different parts if they're both important adjectives.

gummy --

i believe there to be two components to your poetry (at least the pieces i've read): a. philisophical, or theological comment or insight often accompanied by b. a darker, often gorey hue. that is not to chastize you for being predictable (i am not extensively familiar with your body of work and could not claim that you are, indeed, predictable), it's just what i've come to expect upon opening a thread with your name on it.

i have no problem with abstraction -- your message is clear, in my opinion. that is not to say i enjoyed it. i have felt this way on several of your previous pieces, and while making mental note of it, have not drew up a critique in which to say so. i feel this piece, in particular, while draped with caustic, vivid imagery -- is empty, void of anything worthwhile.

it may be a matter of taste, and if you think so, then that's fine. however, i feel that a poetic statement such as this was written just to be abrasive -- you know your brilliance, and intended to showcase it by making some controversial statement such as "the Bible is full of Incest." then, the poem addressed this topic in (what i found to be) a filthy, vague manner and left it open to interpretation.

there is a quote, from fahrenheit 451, which i am curious whether you are familiar with: "The good writers touch life often. The mediocre ones run a quick hand over her. The bad ones rape her and leave her for the flies."

this poem does not feel like art -- it just feels cheap. let's take a look at this in-depth, maybe i can make my point more clear:

S(p)liced thighs form his
bedspread these days.

okay. already we're in the bedroom, and greeted with spliced thighs. while this would make for a shocking climax, already it's just too much. think, for instance, of the opening scene of a more violent movie. nine times out of ten you won't be greeted with people engaged in sex and chopped up legs. i don't know -- the image is overwhelming, for me.

He teaches her independence in
self-consummation -
makes her spine by breaking
backbones with granite fists.
She sobs that she's bleeding
white bits of purity
(he says that she's an angel),
but on the bottom she can only
scream to the stars on her ceiling.

he beats, she bleeds and screams. standard violent scene, except for the fact that a. there are white bits of purity (which, is a dicey image in itself: bleeding white chunks?) and b. oh wait this is incest, ew.

Clouds mop up this world's misery
and sin folds into the bedsheets,

but we're no closer to God

i would say these lines are the poem's stronger points. clouds mopping up misery -- why, that's not gorey at all! consequentially, i find it beautiful, and your poem's strongest point. the final line drives the meaning home, it is a good concluding line, for what the rest of the poem is worth.

i don't know where you are spiritually, and quite frankly, it doesn't matter. the reason i found this piece tactless is not on account of the fact that i'm a christian -- you could have commented on buddhism, american politics, anything and it would have been frustrating. i think this piece just bothers me because it did not seem to take much thought to put together. you took a scene you found to be "wrong," described it, and slapped your "commentary" in the title. and ... it just came up short.

i'm sorry if this critique is hurtful or, you view it as a flame or something. that was not my intent. i realize your potential, as a writer, gummy -- you have so much of it! but these "art" pieces, they seem to have taken hardly any thought whatsoever. and they don't read like art at all.

yes, the Bible is full of incest -- but it is full of humanity. sex and thieves, and love and salvation. it's full of history ... and, come to think of it, her story. what is her story, the girl in the poem? instead of bitterly mouthing off at God (which is how your piece presently reads,) why not tell her story? why not let us, the audience, relate to her? give us reason to feel compassion, instead of being stupefied by your unmitigated rage. i think the main reason i did not like this poem is that it didn't move, that is to say, it didn't change me in any way. it was just a quick splurt of violence -- your tone was the exact same as it was at the beginning as it was at the end. no growth. i would like to see growth.

good luck, i hope this helped (or something.)

shriek --

Firstly, my gratitude is boundless. You have no idea how much this in-depth critique helped me to understand the foundations of my own style. For a while I've been trying to dissect this flaw in my writing to identify what it was and how to address it, and as feedback was playing the same hints to me, I was on my own. This rephrase and tip-off to my patterns is all I needed.

On the statement of this poem: I recongize the humanity in the bible, and my lean was more so not to her story, but his. I wanted to focus in on one's tendancy to engage in vulgar acts - incest, sex in general, glorified and gory murders and wars - to bring oneself closer to God. This is backwardly spiritually, in the sense that they are trying to take the place of God instead of trying to rightly worship him.

I loved the cloud line, too, but I actually felt horribly guilty about it. It was so pretty, and it really had no place in this poem.

The white bits of purity that everybody seems to be musing on is just a metaphor to female lubricant. I'm not implying that anybody has chunky white blood. Though there are white blood cells, but hell, I'm just ranting here.

Thank you, shriek, honestly. I hope you will see an improvement in growth with my poetry, as I believe that I have targeted the problem and am no longer shooting blindly into the dark, trying to find it.

--gummy

You've certainly got your views then, don't you?

You need to work on tying these views into your spectacular imagery; perhaps with haunting, prolific phrases that stand alone when looking back.

A poem's only as much as it's remembered.
Now put purpose into your conviction, fuse imagery with 'intrapection' (if you will), and I for one think you'll be the better poet for doing so.

Good luck,
~Ed

l put off reading this at firsts but now l wish l hadn't. This is really awesome stuff, Gummy. I thought it was a little gory too, but still! Amazing stuff!

I'm going to tell you what I thought it meant so that maybe you can get a feeling on why I liked the poem...

S(p)liced thighs form his
bedspread these days.

Usually, I wouldn't be a fan of playing with words, but this works by combining two words -- and not only words but strong words as well! I also like how it bluntly introduces the topic.

He teaches her independence in
self-consummation -

These lines are kind of mediocre compared to the rest of the poem, just because it tells rather than showing. Still, you have so much showing later on that this doesn't make the poem bad... this part just seems a little stale, that's all.

makes her spine by breaking
backbones with granite fists.

Upon rereading, this became one of my favorite lines because of the whole thought of a backbone. He tells her that she is an angel, yet he breaks her backbone with his fists. Metaphorically or not, he is hammering away at her purity and innocence in this line, and it's so forceful that you feel the impact as well. And yet, it's not completely obvious as well. You wonder why the word "spine" is in there, but you don't understand until you digest the poem, and that is awesome.

She sobs that she's bleeding

LOVE this line. I mean... it brings forth the typical virgin and makes you think of some of the biblical rules about spilling the blood of virgins.

white bits of purity

Once again, this line is mediocre, but I like it a little in that it goes back to the granite fists, almost as if his fists and her blood are mingled together? Still, the word "bits" kills me in that it's not really an interesting word.

(he says that she's an angel),

I love it how this is in parentheses, almost as if it really doesn't matter what she is when, for the poem, this is the defining line that makes everything as wonderful as it it.

but on the bottom she can only

Bottom? Hmmm... I would come up with a different word. Once more, the word choice makes this line mediocre.

scream to the stars on her ceiling.

I love this line since it makes me think of stars on a ceiling... a very childish thing to do, in my opinion. So she once again becomes pure and innocent as a child. More than that, the stars on the ceiling represent something articial. She is crying to a God who is manmade and can never help her, no matter how she tries.

Clouds mop up this world's misery
and sin folds into the bedsheets,

These lines are mediocre, I think, because you go from the very specific details of a rape (of the woman, from both the man and the nonexistent god) and you go to the abstract. A little tweaking should make this fine.

but we're no closer to God

Ahh! I love this line because it ties in PERFECTLY what the poem is saying throughout everything!

Anyway, I love this poem. Write more, Gummy!

not a problem. glad i could help.

xanthan gum wrote:On the statement of this poem: I recongize the humanity in the bible, and my lean was more so not to her story, but his. I wanted to focus in on one's tendancy to engage in vulgar acts - incest, sex in general, glorified and gory murders and wars - to bring oneself closer to God. This is backwardly spiritually, in the sense that they are trying to take the place of God instead of trying to rightly worship him.

i think this is an awesome statement. seriously, if you wrote a poem reflecting those sentiments exactly, i think it would be incredible. i mean, what you have now is a good start: already you're starting to turn the issue over in your mind. incorporating "glorified murders and wars" -- encompassing all the heartless things "Men of God" do -- would really be fantastic. i'm getting excited just thinking about it.

so ... uh, yeah. pm me if you'd like to toss any other ideas around. i've got aim too, so feel free.

xanthan gum wrote:On the statement of this poem: I recongize the humanity in the bible, and my lean was more so not to her story, but his. I wanted to focus in on one's tendancy to engage in vulgar acts - incest, sex in general, glorified and gory murders and wars - to bring oneself closer to God. This is backwardly spiritually, in the sense that they are trying to take the place of God instead of trying to rightly worship him.

Gummy, I've finally found a metaphor to describe the way I read your poetry. It's like math. When my math teacher writes out the solution to a problem, I say, "Why, that makes sense! I totally get it!" but I can never get the same solution doing it on my own. Your explanations always make me say, "Oooh, I feel enlightened, why didn't I get that before?" but trying to read it myself can be difficult. Your poetry can be incredibly profound, but also a little convoluted and abstract...like math...

This is not to say that a poem should wear its meaning on its sleeve, for all good poetry requires analysis, and a good poem will never be ruined by it. That said, I think yours can require a little too much analysis, a little too much getting inside the poet's head. No, a poem should not wear its meaning on its sleeve, but it should sort of stick out like the very tip of a tattoo that you can see more and more of each time you read it.