The Lich Dragon

His sword was sharp and his arrows keen. He was the bane of dragons. Fifty dragons he had slayed, yet not one mark of battle showed on his youthly face. His armor was made from the hide and scales of the strongest black dragon and his sword from the metal of the dwarves. His bow was elven made as was his cloak, and with it he could seemingly disappear. He rode the mightiest of steeds, an eagle of the northern crags, so big that it almost outsized the dragons that he fought.

On this day he had a foreboding call; a lich dragon of the worst kind and greatest size had ravaged Dali’s great halls and locked the Dwarf in his own court. Now Dali was a great friend to the eagle rider and he meant to help Dali, but lich dragons were not an easy call. If you are wondering, at this point, of the meaning of the word “lich” and maybe the name of our dragon bane; well I’ll explain.

Jagufor Talon (Jag to most) was a young lad when a small dragon killed his parents. His older brother, a soldier, took up his sword and slew the vile beast. From then on Jag wished for nothing else than to rid the world o the fearful beasts, and so far had done a good job.

Lord Dali, on the other hand, disliked dragons, but was more interested in gold and mining; a typical dwarf for you. He had become quite rich and powerful and had just completed a large hall when the dragon arrived.

The lich dragon now was a fearful beast, with great horns and large claws. Jag Talon had defeated many such beasts, but the lich dragon was far from a normal dragon. This dragon had no skin, no muscle, and no heart for that matter. He was nothing but bones. Jag had fought a small such dragon many years ago and had defeated it, but to do so one must knock it over many times until it simply fell apart. With these thought s the dragon’s bane sped off towards the halls of Dali.

He arrived suddenly, the great eagle landing without a bump. The great twin doors lay open, charred and off their iron hinges. Jagufor fitted an arrow to his bow and stepped inside. There stood the creature, no less that thirty feet tall and nothing but bone. He loosed his arrow and it bounced off the thing’s great skull; it turned toward Jag unscathed.

The beast opened his wide mouth and fumes poured forth. Quick as lightning the small figure loosed another shaft to burry it deep in the cavernous throat. The dragon gulped and froze for a minute. Then it unleashed its great wings and flew out of the chamber roaring.

Jag mounted his steed and followed it into the sky. He drew forth his sword and smote the beast’s shoulder, slamming it into the mountain side. Its great jowls drew fire, and Jag barely missed the spewing flames. He landed and knocked the dragon’s leg out of place. Then he laid hands on the thing’s femur and smashed it into the dragon’s head. Its head blew inward and exploded in a ball of flame. The lich dragon fell off the side of the mountain and tumbled into a large lake. The water hissed and swallowed the fearful beast up.

THE END

Okay, so the plot was pretty typical to me and there was nothing to set this apart from millions of other fantasy stories. Also, much of the wording was bland and uninteresting. Personally, I didn't much like the way you said that you were going to explain it...I thought that was unnecessary. Despite that, though, this does actually have potential to be good. There was definitely some good imagery in this and an exciting plotline! I would love to read any rewrite you may have of this, or even any additions to it!

i agree to some extent with biancaryne...the wording could be a little different. i mean, you don't have to sound like you're writing an Arthurian legend. make it personal. make us CARE about your characters. then, it could be quite awesome .

laters.

This, for me, is all plot and no characters or action. Add some action! What happens during the fight scene? You have a brief introduction of who Jag is, but I want to see him in action instead of just reading a sob story.

Basically? I want meat.

Read some stories that have a lot of action and then try to intimate the kinds of scenes they have.

Still! At least you have a plot. A lot of the stories I've read today have... no plots whatsoever. Very strange.

Hope that helps!

I like dragons and I like dragon stories (as is proven by the books i brought home from the library monday), but I had trouble reading this story out of sheer boredom.

Come on greenjay, you can do better than this! Make me interested in your story! Cause me to want Jag to defeat the dragon! Make it so the end battle doesn't leave a bitter taste in my mouth.

That's all the suggestions I have for now.
PM me if you repost an edited version of this, because i guarantee I'll want to read it!
~®®§

Fifty dragons he had slayed, yet not one mark of battle showed on his youthly face.

I'm not quite sure that 'youthly' is a word. Maybe use the word 'youthful'.

His bow was elven made as was his cloak, and with it he could seemingly disappear.

The beginning of this sentence is really confusing. Try rereading it and changing it. Maybe its because I don't know what the yellow colored word is.

On this day he had a foreboding call; a lich dragon of the worst kind and greatest size had ravaged Dali’s great halls and locked the Dwarf in his own court.

Again this sentence is confusing. Try rewording it.

If you are wondering, at this point, of the meaning of the word “lich” and maybe the name of our dragon bane; well I’ll explain.

I don't think that you should tell us that you'll explain it. Just blend it into the story.

Interesting. I think that you have a very creative idea going here, with the 'lich dragon' and everything. I didn't find that many spelling errors, but make sure that you spell check before posting, to make reading easier. I want to go back to what I said above though, when you said that you'd explain to us the history. Like I said you should blend this into your story. And then after that you stared to tell us the history, and I lost interest. It reminded me of reading a history book. Lastly, I found that some of your sentences confused me with the wording and all. It might just be that it is late and my brain isn't working, but I suggest taking a look through this and fixing any awkward sentences. Overall I really liked this! I think that you have a great story going. Keep it up!

Fantasy is such a crowded thing in literature, but I manage to find a good dragons and swords book every now and again. To me, this was... bland. This is just a personnel opinion from someone who has been reading adult fantasy since 3rd grade (I am 19)

Thank you for your ideas and stuff. I wrote this one in like 20 minutes so you can see why it wasn't all that great . Anyway, I've got more time now so I'm going to re-write it. I might change a few things plot-wise but probably not too much. Hope it'll be better this time!

-The Jay of Green

The Bane of the Lich


“Flee! Flee all you spawn of fire for your bane is coming! The great halls of Dali burn in the ashes of your carnage, your evil reigns there. But look my friends of that city to the north. Despair not, for out of its clear sky I come. I, Jagufor Talon, am mounted on a great eagle and am coming for the vengeance of my dead. The memories of a mother and father are burned into my mind; revenge is sheathed at my side! Speed be with me and my steed.”

Cold wind bit at my face and I gripped harder at the soft plumage beneath me. My defiant challenge was torn from my mouth and thrown spitefully away by the mountain gale. Be that way! My sword and arrows would speak for me! Just as my brother had cut down the vilest of dragons that had attacked my sleeping house; so I would throw down this one. I was their exterminator, their bane!

“There he lies!” I muttered as Dali’s mountain came into view. An entrance was carved out of the solid stone face and the two large doors meant to cover it lay defeated on the ground. The massive boards were smashed and charred to pieces.

“What twisted kind of worm could do this?” I thought with fear. After all, they had been very thick doors. Inside the hall it was dark. I strung my bow and ventured one foot inside. Suddenly I leapt to the side and slid behind a large pillar. Certain dragons can see in the dark and I did not know what I was dealing with. A horrid stench filled my nostrils and I knew at that moment that the greatest evil was approaching. Death swam through my mind; all thoughts fleeing but one. I was going to die! Never before had I faced such as this.

A great light filled my eyes and I blanched with fear. A giant creature was standing before me gathering a great fire in his massive jowls. Fumes filled the large hall. Suddenly my body found its strength and I ran for my eagle. A roar came from behind me but my dragon-scale mail resisted the spew of fire that admitted from the beast’s cavernous throat. I mounted my loyal stead as it launched itself into the murky blackness of the great hall.

“Flame you may withstand, but death thou cannot!” came the horrible voice of the dragon as it came in view. Such a sight is unlawful to explain. Death and bone was all that was left of the enchanted dragon; horns and claws adorned its every part. Two black sockets stared at me with an unspeakable hate. A lich dragon!

“Such a thing, here, in this place? Could the immense vile even die?” I thought. I knew the answer not, but right then I knew that I must try for my friends’ sake. My first arrow bounced off its unholy skull, but the second entered one of its ghastly eye-sockets. It roared and slashed at me with a long arm. My wonderful eagle dove out of the way and allowed me to get another arrow into the creature’s gaping mouth. The dragon roared with fury, unleashed its long wings, and flew outside.

I followed.

In a second it had turned around and was upon me. A large claw reached for me and ripped the shield from my grasp. My bow was cracked so my sword came out. A strong blow I gave my enemy on the shoulder, making it fall to the mountain side. The dead, leathery flesh hanging from the dragon’s arm was not much use for flying anyway. Maybe it would stay on the ground and I could get some advantage over it there.

But hope comes and vanishes easily, for as soon as my eagle dove down to meet the vile creature its flames came up to meet us. The smart eagle made a good dodge but ended sending me flying. Luckily I was not too high up, and adrenaline did me wonders. Up I came with my foe before me.

Claws were all around me and the beast stepped toward me to try to swallow me up in its massive, fiery jowls. I went forward to meet the abomination. The dragon, not expecting anything but absolute fear from me, stopped for a dire second, puzzled. My blow was laid hard on the only thing in reach, his leg.

It snapped and the years of age showed through with a loud cracking sound. The lich dragon fell! I slowly picked up a part of the hideous leg (the femur I think) for it was quite heavy. The beast lifted itself up and an immense fury burned in its cursed eyes. Flame rose from its inner hate. I swung the bone with all my force at the dragon’s head and it exploded in a burst of flames. The lich tumbled off the mountain side and into the lake below. It was consumed with a hiss and fumes billowed forth. The dragon had fallen.

The Bittersweet End

Very good. I enjoyed this beginning much better then your first draft! It drew me into the story and made me want to keep reading more! You should take more time when you write your stories. This version is so much better then the first draft! Keep it up!

Much better!

Something to look out for... it seems like you wanted a more old-fashioned approach to dialogue and narrative, and for the most part you did that. However, there are several times when a more slangy way of speaking slips out. Be careful of this and remember -- contractions are your enemies, in this case.

An entrance was carved out of the solid stone face and the two large doors meant to cover it lay defeated on the ground.

I'm not sure defeated is really a word to use for doors, but that might just be me. Oh, and also maybe explain a wee bit more what a lich dragon is as for me it was kind of unclear. Though that might just be me.

Otherwise, you've definitely improved this a lot like I knew you would...however, I challenge you to edit this again and see how much better you can make this lol. Anyways, this is most definitely a very, very nice write!! Good job

I did a little bit of editing here. I think I fixed the old English/modern dialog thing, and I fixed up some other things too.

-greenjay

Dude the first was good but the second was AWESOME!! This could make a pretty good book.