Blooded Ch. 1 - Slightly edited (still a work in progress)

complete renovations being done sorry!

woah that's kinda deep
god dont go making a movie outa that itll be a hills have eyes moment
all blood and gore

updated to comlete opening hope everyone likes it

Hey Sam, This is coming along great! Its plot is good and I love the detail. And I have no harsh/mean critiques on this. I know, SO disappointing.

woah that's kinda deep
god dont go making a movie outa that itll be a hills have eyes moment
all blood and gore

Dude! Blood and gore rocks! Ahem...lol...Well if it does become a movie I'd SO go to the premiere of it. And yeah.......Keep it up!

*Lindsay*

Please don't post a new thread advertising your work. If people were to do this, the forums would be clogged with clutter.

The prologue/first paragraph was a little brutal, but good.
I really enjoyed the description at the beginning, but I think you should try and incorporate your description in with some actions that the characters make. You put a lot of descriptive sentences up against each other and while it was excellent description, it would be easier to read if the sentences varied more.

I have a very good image of what the characters look like, but how about what the think like? You could add some more about their personalities in here.

Sean Pendr wrote:The notes strung by melody’s thread carried through the forest like the disruption of silence after thunder.

--This was probably my favorite sentence. Very pretty.

Some little things:

Sean Pendr wrote: Placing the flute softly on his lips The (the) Halfling began to play.


The Halfling spoke again, “Eirike? Eirike your (you're) sweating are you feeling ok?"

and again:
“I know the first thing your (you're) going to do when you get there”

The town of Relhieak was fairly large. It was a fairly sufficient on its own when needed, as most places had to be on that side of the forest. (I wouldn't use "fairly" twice in a two sentences)

As he arrived Theirina was sending Aerie’s little brother, Jére of (off) to play with his friends

Overall, it's quite good. Keep it up!

~Twinflower

I started reading it, and your beginning certainly hooked me (though I changed your rating to PG-13, call me old-fashioned but this isn't something I'd want my 12-yr-old sister reading). One thing, darling: could you please break up the paragraphs with spaces? This isn't your fault, it's how the site's designed, but breaking them up makes for much easier reading.

Thanks!

im taking this down along with all my other blooded work specificall because i am ree writng most of it agian and would not be bothered by more coments than i already got, (around 70). thanks for all your support and the new version will be up as soon as its finished, but i may very well write the chapter through so give me at least a month ok?. thanks for the bump up in the rating, the majority of the rest is actually less bloody, only his memories are.

this will be copied to all posts by me until i figure out how to record all responses before topic deletion.