You Hide in the Shadow of a Dream

I NEED CRITIQUES!!!!! This is my first attempt at second person. So anybody and everybody, please tell me what you think!!!!!
Small note: This has nothing to do with POD....hehe.


You're walking down a dark alley. During the day it seems no more than an empty space between buildings, but as night sheds it's darkness things begin to change. Shadows darken, corners deepen, fear embeds itself into the very air you breathe, spreading itself throughout your bloodstream. Night has a way of doing that, invoking emotions that the day's light hides.

The walls get closer as you walk down the thinning path, weaving your way through dreams. Something isn't right. You hear a noise you couldn't have possibly heard. Your heart speeds, blood pulses through your veins.

A new shadow moves, stopping you in your tracks. It's the vague outline of a person with something small and familiarly shaped in their hand.

You take another step forward, trying to glance around the corner. The shadow jumps out at you, becoming a silhouette of a tall figure brandishing a gun in one hand.

"No," you plead, "please don't!"

The figure points the gun at you.

"Please," you say again, putting your hands up as a last ditch effort to protect yourself.

The gun fires, hitting it's target directly.

The force of the hit throws you to the ground, warm liquid seeps out of you. You put your hand to your stomach where the thick, slippery redness is escaping from your body. You expect to feel pain, but it's only numbness, like you're on the outside looking upon somebody else's bloody figure. Vision leaves in spots, white and black, fading to gray.

You wake up with the sun in your face, one hand still on your stomach, holding in the phantom blood. You're gripping the sweat stained shirt that's plastered itself to your body.

You look up, a man is standing at the foot of your bed, a gun extend toward you.

All of a sudden you wish it were still night, that the darkness could protect you from what's the light's revealed.

"No," you say.

You wish you were still asleep. Then as quick as a silver bullet, you are.

Whey this is good for second person! I can't write second person, and usually don't like reading it. But you have made it work well. It's a good concept, will you be writing more?

I guess with second person it's obviously involving the reader but can also frustrate them as it is second person they are being told what they are doing. Still, i liked this, i think you did a second person piece very successfully!

Meevs
x

I don't know if I can comment fairly because I can't write second person (Only ever tried third once or twice!). But personally, I liked it. I actually enjoyed it. Apart from, you know, being shot?

Only thing that was wrong with this: it's not POD lol! I saw your avatar on the front page and got excited and then I realised. But this was still good reading.

-Mat

Good! Normally I don't like second person, but this was good, wasn't too patronizing. But ALL your stuff is so dark and distuuuuuuurbing.....

Getting murdered in second person, that's a new experience for me.

but as night sheds it's darkness, things begin to change

I had to read this twice before I got it. Put that comma between darkness and things.

Night has a way of doing that, invoking emotions that the day's light hides.

Just say daylight, it sounds better.

"Please," you say again, putting your hands up as a last ditch effort to protect yourself.

This is me nit-picking here, but this bit just seemed a bit jarring. The rest of this was written in very poetic, flowing language, and "last ditch" is too colloquial. Perhaps just say "in a last effort."

The gun fires, hitting it's target directly.

Make that "its"

You look up, a man is standing at the foot of your bed, a gun extend toward you.

Extended.

All of a sudden you wish it were still night, that the darkness could protect you from what's the light's revealed.

Change that to: from what the light has revealed. Don't have too many what-you-call thems in writing, as it's not good grammer. Things like "couldn't" and "shan't" would be better as "could not" and "shall not."

You wish you were still asleep. Then as quick as a silver bullet, you are.

Brilliant last sentance! *claps* Really great finishing off!


I mind you were saying about writing in second person, and you've done it very well!

-Twit

Nicely done! I loved the general plot... made me shiver - that'll teach us to walk down dark alleyways at night.

More maybe? Don't leave us hanging! I want to know if sleep means 'Unconcious' or 'Dead'. I'm pressuming dead, but you never know!

Arch xxx

Wow great story starter I think! you should most definitely make a story out of this! Great Job! The description was very good about the alley I loved it!

JCobsesed wrote::!: I NEED CRITIQUES!!!!! This is my first attempt at second person. So anybody and everybody, please tell me what you think!!!!!
Small note: This has nothing to do with POD....hehe.


You're walking down a dark alley. During the day it seems no more than an empty space between buildings, but as night sheds it's (its, it's isn't possessive) darkness things begin to change. Shadows darken, corners deepen, fear embeds itself into the very air you breathe, spreading itself throughout your bloodstream. Night has a way of doing that, invoking emotions that the day's light hides.

The walls get closer as you walk down the thinning path, weaving your way through dreams. Something isn't right. You hear a noise you couldn't have possibly heard. Your heart speeds, blood pulses through your veins.

The imagery here makes the mood very suspenseful, makes the reader almost feel afraid.

A new shadow moves, stopping you in your tracks. It's the vague outline of a person with something small and familiarly shaped in their hand.

You take another step forward, trying to glance around the corner. The shadow jumps out at you, becoming a silhouette of a tall figure brandishing a gun in one hand.

"No," you plead, "please don't!"

The figure points the gun at you.

"Please," you say again, putting your hands up as a last ditch effort to protect yourself.

The gun fires, hitting it's target directly.

The force of the hit throws you to the ground, warm liquid seeps out of you. You put your hand to your stomach where the thick, slippery redness is escaping from your body. You expect to feel pain, but it's only numbness, like you're on the outside looking upon somebody else's bloody figure. Vision leaves in spots, white and black, fading to gray.

Very strong paragraph. The simile is pretty well thought out.

You wake up with the sun in your face, one hand still on your stomach, holding in the phantom blood. You're gripping the sweat stained shirt that's plastered itself to your body.

You look up, a man is standing at the foot of your bed, a gun extend toward you.

All of a sudden you wish it were still night, that the darkness could protect you from what's the light's revealed.

"No," you say.

You wish you were still asleep. Then as quick as a silver bullet, you are.

I have not read much second person, but this was pretty good. It was interesting that the person dreamed of being shot just to wake up to the reality of it. The story was pretty disturbing but was an interesting read. Keep up the work.

I'm finally here!

something small and familiarly shaped in their hand.

you could also just say "familiar" and cut the whole -ly adjective thing.

Eh, Sorry to ruin it for you but unlike what others have said, as this being scary and dark and disturbing, it didn't work for me.

I think you hung too strongly on the fact that you were writing it in second person, and so all you thought about was the POV and nothing else. You described a lot, you told a lot, but I felt nothing, and none of it could really smack me in the face and make me feel like I was feeling it. So, it didn't do anything for me.

I think if you worked on it like it was a first person, or a third person story, and made the horror of it more real (the best way to do so is to make your reader feel) and to convince us before all the crazy stuff starts happening, that this story really is about us. I wasn't convinced, and I'm not sure how you could do that, since I've never written second person. Perhaps give us a little while before everything happens. It was hard for me to capture the second person effect, so the terror lost me...

If you do plan on continuing this venture into second person, I suggest reading Italo Calvino's If on a Winter's Night a Traveler which is probably one of the coolest books I've ever read.

Consider how it begins:

You are about to begin reading Italo Calvino's new novel, If on a winter's night a traveler. Relax. Concentrate.

Sucks you in, doesn't it?

Bonne Chance!