Galactic Ranger GR-8D (FanFic of Ratchet, UYA)

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Note: Thoughts have been edited. More plot has been thought out, but is not in the works yet.
A good spot for some description of GR-8D has not been found yet.
If you have played Ratchet And Clank: Up your Arsenal, then you will know what GR-8D looks like.

Er, another note, this isn't written to well, but I would return the crit favor if you have a suggestion or anything.

Gridia Galactic Ranger GR-8D
Episode One: Fleeing for My Life

Running is not a thing I’m unfamiliar with. So when Sarge told me to get back to base with the intel we’d recovered, I turned my green back I ran.

He stayed. He’s the bravest Sarge I’ve ever had. Most of my former Sarges led the retreat.

Enough of that, I told myself, you’re not out of this yet. As if to prove this point, a barrage of red lasers melted some nearby rocks, which was good, because there wasn’t much else for them to hit but me.

Very uncharacteristic of me, I turned and ran backwards for a few steps; firing with my D11, take that filthy Tyrhannoids! Sparks, Sarge must be influencing me.

I turned sideways so I could run faster while shooting, but a laser clipped the side of my head and spun me all the way around. I decided not to turn again.

Odd, I can’t hear anything on the comlink. I put my hand to the side of my head. Crud, my com had been blasted off, most likely by that stray laser.
I activated my emergency energy supply, to make me run faster. High time I was outta here.

It was night. I had successfully outrun the Tyrhannoid foot troops. I needed a good spot to lay up for the night. My energy was in the orange.
There, some rocks and brush were close together, they’d have to do. I dug a little cleft underneath the biggest rock; it was big enough to be a boulder.
Pulling the brush over me, I wished my armor was a little more tan, green wasn’t such good camo for arid scrublands.

Morning. I pulled my head plate back and let the solar panel start to bring in energy.
I flipped through the holomaps in my wrist, to get a bearing on my position.
Somewhere southeast of the skirmish point, and southwest of the base, I figured I should go east, and then straight north, instead of northeast, which would take me closer to the enemy than I liked.
While going northeast might be faster, I figured I was the only one left alive, so I had time. Better to make it back alive slower, than never make it back with the vital intel I carried.

A noise. I ducked down and peered through a crack in the rocks, it was a Tyrhannoid speeder. Probably looking for me. A speeder would be real handy, I thought.

I laid my D11 forearm on a rock and took aim ahead of the speeder, letting it drive into my crosshairs. Bam, three laser bolts sprayed out. Three? Blast it. I had forgotten to make sure it was on single shot.
The speeder careened madly and smashed into a boulder, producing a ball of fire.

There goes that idea, now I’d have to trek it back to base on foot.
Besides that uncomfortable aspect there was another bad thing about the already bad situation.

The speeder rider wouldn’t have had time to com back to base, so I wouldn’t be able to use the built in voice disguiser to fool the superiors that everything was alright. Now, with nobody reporting back to base, they’d know that I was still out here.
I didn’t relish the idea of walking back to base with my enemy having the advantage of mobilization.

Oh well, soldier, might as well start now. I opened all the armor plates I had with solar panels below them, there wouldn’t be any bogies around for a while yet, and I was going to need all the juice I could get.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Okay, I'd like your opinon on,
A) His name, GR-8D alias Grady
B) The name for his forearm blaster, D11, I'm not sure about his either.
C) Whatever else you wish to say! :D

And also if you have any suggestion for a better shooting description, when he takes down the speeder. I don't really like bam, know what I mean?
But I couldn't think of a better way at the time.
Last edited by RatchetWriter on Tue Mar 04, 2008 3:38 am, edited 4 times in total.
~S.P.E.W~ "Special People Enthusiastically Writing"

*sigh* "Another day, another death course."
Ratchet




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This'll be a quick review 'cuz I gotta go. 8)

When you're done with the story and make a "blah-section" (my term for it), use ***** for a line or _________
So people don't confuse story/your rant. :P

The story itself is good, except I'm not at all familiar with the game/thing it's based off. (I end up reviewing a lot of that LOL :lol: )

On the topic of sentence structure, some of the sentences are cut off and choppy. While that may be intended for dramatic effect, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. (Alas for us all :P )

On a robot swearword, I shall suggest something classic: "he swore under his breath" or "uttered a swearword". When you really have to have them say it, have them go, ""...in the dogshed!" hissed Jack fiercely."Just the end of the sentence.

And now I have to go....gambatte, yo!

:D

~Sumi
ohmeohmy




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Thanks for the crit!

I am feeling kind of sheepish. :oops:
I forgot to read my own story through.

Yes, it is choppy I agree, some of it I wrote to punctuate the thought, but most of it is just choppy. I am currently working on fixing it.

Thanks for the tips!

And to anyone else reading this story, feel free to crit if you want, I'll take all the opinons I can get!
~S.P.E.W~ "Special People Enthusiastically Writing"

*sigh* "Another day, another death course."
Ratchet




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Brought to you on Behalf of the CCF, we apologize for the delay.

RatchetWriter wrote:Note: Not edited whatsoever. A terrible read I know, but I'd like suggestions.
Planning on editing soon. Takes me forever.

Gridia Galactic Ranger GR-8D
Episode One: Fleeing for My Life

Running is not [s]a[/s] something I’m unfamiliar with. So when Sarge told me to get back to base with the intel we’d recovered, I ran.

^Part of above Paragraph^He stayed. He’s the bravest Sarge I’ve ever had. Most of my former Sarges led the retreat.

Enough of that, I told myself, you’re not out of this yet. As if to prove this point, a barrage of red lasers melted some nearby rocks, which was good, because there wasn’t much else for them to hit but me.

Very uncharacteristic of me, I turned and ran backwards for a few steps; firing with my D11, take that filthy Tyrhannoids! Sparks, Sarge must be influencing me. I did not understnad this, it was confusing.

I turned sideways so I could run faster while shooting.[s], but[/s] [s]a[/s]A laser clipped the side of my head and spun me all the way around. I decided not to turn again.

Odd, I can’t hear anything on the comlink. I put my hand to the side of my head. Crud, my com had been blasted off, most likely by that stray laser.
I activated my emergency energy supply, [s]to[/s] mak[s]e[/s]ing me run faster. High time I was outta here.

It was night. I had successfully outrun the Tyrhannoid foot troops. I needed a good spot to lay up for the night. My energy was in the orange.
There, some rocks and brush were close together, they’d have to do. I dug a little cleft underneath the biggest rock[s]; it was big enough to be a boulder[/s].
Pulling the brush over me, I wished my armor was a little more tan, green wasn’t such good camo for arid scrublands.

Morning. I pulled my head plate back and let the solar panel start to bring in energy.
I flipped through the holomaps in my wrist[s],[/s] to get a bearing on my position.
Somewhere southeast of the skirmish point, and southwest of the base, I figured I should go east, and then straight north, instead of northeast, which would take me closer to the enemy than I liked.
While going northeast might be faster, I figured I was the only one left alive, so I had time. Better to make it back alive slower, than never make it back with the vital intel I carried.

A noise. I ducked down and peered through a crack in the rocks, it was a Tyrhannoid speeder. Probably looking for me. A speeder would be real handy, I thought.

I laid my D11 forearm on a rock and took aim ahead of the speeder, letting it drive into my crosshairs. Bam, three laser bolts sprayed out. Three? Blast it. I had forgotten to make sure it was on single shot.
The speeder careened madly and smashed into a boulder, producing a ball of fire.

There goes that idea, now I’d have to trek [s]it[/s] back to base on foot.
Besides that uncomfortable aspect there was another bad thing about the already bad situation.

The speeder rider wouldn’t have had time to com back to base, so I wouldn’t be able to use the built in voice disguiser to fool the superiors that everything was alright. Now, with nobody reporting back to base, they’d know that I was still out here.
I didn’t relish the idea of walking back to base with my enemy having the advantage of mobilization.

Oh well, soldier, might as well start now. I opened all the armor plates I had with solar panels below them, there wouldn’t be any bogies around for a while yet, and I was going to need all the juice I could get.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%


Everything is terribly flat. You need stronger descriptions to give this place some life. We dont even know what Grady really looks like.

Your character has no real voice it seems. It is unclear where his thoughts begin and end and where the story telling is. You need to use italics to distinguish between them. It will help make your character more real.

The plot seems okay, It will have to get stronger as the story progresses to keep interest.

Good luck.
"Maybe Senpai ate Yuka-tan's last bon-bon?"
----Stupei, Ace Defective



Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
— Winston Churchill