Old and Overripe (Prologue)

Hmmmm.... slightly "naughty" words... that's just a warning, but seriously nothing horrid and and jaw dropping. I just want to know if I should continue with the story.


Prologue


People say I'm very blunt. Even when I was in kindergarten, sitting on carpet squares to hear Disney's "The Little Mermaid" read to us, I'd look at the big colorful pictures and say "Ariel looks like a tramp." The teacher's jaw would drop, and I'd hear a bunch of little kids saying "What's a tramp?" or "Lady and the Tramp?" or my favorite "My dad called my mommy a tramp!" But of course, I could never keep my mouth shut. I'd continue on, "I mean, HELLO! Someone should arrest her for indecent exposure or something! Those purple shells hardly cover anything!"
I'd be stuck sitting in the time out corner until my mom came to pick me up at eleven.

Growing up with four older siblings, three younger siblings, and my nine year old cousin who always seemed to be over here, things got pretty graphic at my house, and I learned a lot of new words.
I think I first used ho when I was... maybe six, right after I heard my older sister who was 14 at the time say it. Then I passed it down to my younger siblings, who actually never seemed to catch on that swearing was fun! So, I'll be forever known as that potty mouth Ava girl that you need to stay away from.

Now that I'm thirteen, I've decided that I'm going to act more mature. My mom told me to make a birthday resolution, so here it is:

AVA'S THINGS TO DO BEFORE SHE TURNS 14
-----------------------------------------------------
1. GET A BOYFRIEND
2. Yes Kyle, that would be you
3. I LOVE KYLE!!!
4. I bet he loves me back!
5. Oh we are so perfect
6. Get my first kiss
7.Get an A on a math test
8. Paint my room
9. Be in a food fight
10. Make a new list for my mom to see

I don't feel any more mature than I did five minutes ago. Screw this. Dang it! There I go being way to blunt again.
Who wants to be mature anyway? It means old and overripe!
But... my mom wants me to be mature. But I told her that if I'm mature I'll be like an overripe banana, and everyone will turn me into banana bread. She found it humorless, and sent me into my room to make stupid lists, because I'm thirteen, and I should be mature.
She never expected any of this from me before. Being thirteen sucks.

Ok... so basically I want you to pick it a part or apart or whatever. I just want to know what people think of it.

And even if Ava is rude and immature, don't worry. Even though she is based loosely off of me, I'll just go punch trees or something.

Thank you,

Em to the Ily

Oh Emily! Your so creative and funny! You make me laugh! Awwwww!

/sigh. Well, not to be the post police or anything, but don't be so insistent, and have patience. It makes people like me more willing to give you a review.
But I'll do it anyway.

So... pick apart, eh? Alright. You asked for it.

"time out"-->"time-out".

"nine year old" --> "nine-year-old"

"ho"--> a slang abbreviation is kind of a choice, but I think it should be "hoe" anyway, just because ho gets lost on the page and I didn't recognize what you were saying until I reread it (there's something distinctly ironic/strange about correcting a person's cursing...)

"way to blunt"--> "way too blunt"

It's sad that I say this, but one problem is that you have Ava telling us she's this 'potty mouth' girl who can't keep her mouth shut, but yet, she doesn't always come across that way. One part that stuck out to me was when she said "dang it!"
Personally, I'd expect a girl like that to just out and say "damn it."
Apologies, if you have a good reason for not saying that. And apologies to anyone out there who may read that part and be offended.

Anyway, besides all that. There's not much here to pick apart, because it's a short segment, and well written, with relatively few errors in type or grammar or spelling and all that shiz. Your character is rude and immature, and certainly has an attitude, but that's the point, eh?
So it's not a bad thing, and we all love characters like that anyway!
All in all, well done. pm me if you need anything on this, and let me know when the next part comes out and if you need a review on it. But have patience >.<
bei'theh!

~sworddance

OK, thanks.
I wasn't exactly being insistent (now that you've typed that, I know that I got it right on our spelling test today! *random*), the first post I did was because I didn't know I could modify it and add on that I wanted you to pick it apart, so I posted it as a reply.
For the second one, I was just bored, and my randomness got the best of me.

Yes, I never was any good with the --- (Which I have no clue what it is called *sniff*)

For the too instead of to, I was looking for any of those, but couldn't find any before I posted, but I guess you did.

And for the dang it part, I couldn't get myself to even type a swear word since Ava is the total opposite of me, who hardly ever swears. Also, my mom looked at it before I posted, so I don't think she'd appreciate that much.

Yes... patient... got it.

-Em to the Ily

Hey, Emooly!

Yeah, I've got to agree, these are the best kind of characters. I liked the way you portrayed her...just wild enough without being overly random and obnoxious. A good balance.

Since this was kinda short, I've only got one gripe: her line of dialogue at the beginning.

"I mean, HELLO! Someone should arrest her for indecent exposure or something! Those purple shells hardly cover anything!"

Half of those words wouldn't be something readily available to use in conversation for a kindergartener, no matter how attentive they might be. Kids have a knack for swearwords, because they're short. 'Indecent exposure' is a little too long to be used.

I'd probably put something like, "But she's only wearing shells! You can see everything!" instead- something short, sweet, and too the point. That's the way your character talks for the rest of the story.

Anyway- fun read! Feel free to PM me if you've got any questions, and I'll look out for the next section.

...will she get a boyfriend? Hmm.

No worries; everybody goes random. For the dang it part, I thought there might be a reason behind it. heh hope your mom doesn't read my post
Again, apologies if that was offensive. That's why I usually watch my language online, unless I know who I'm talking to.
But anyway, if that's the case, I don't think there really is a problem there. You can work around it easy.
Oh, and I also have to agree with Sam's remark about that bit of dialogue. I thought the same thing.
Soooo.... *twiddles thumbs waiting for next part.*
I like this character, btw, and I'm looking forward to finding out what she's going to do in the future.
Gl with this, and remember me sitting here twiddling my thumbs, waiting....

~sworddance